Getting married...

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Getting married...
6
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 10:05am
I didn't know where to post so, I hope this is okay here. I'm new to the boards but not ivillage....I wasn't going to post but I need some help. My fiancée and I are supposed to get married in a few weeks but I don't know if we will anymore. This is really hard to write....I was brutally raped 2 1/2 years ago and he doesn't know. Our relationship has been good and he is a good guy.

Last week, we were cooking dinner together and had been drinking wine. He started kissing me and trying to touch me....I freaked out and started crying. We have never had sex or done any real touching...I wanted to wait until I got married , I thought I would trust my husband. I left before dinner was finished and haven't seen him since...I'm really embarrassed and worried. We have talked a few times but not about what happened.

I can't.tell him...I don't know how to fix this.
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 10:35am

Awesome Post Karen!

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 5:03pm

~hugs~

<3

Nightangel
Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 10:30am

I can speak from the other side of telling or not telling.  I didn't tell my husband and we got married and until I finally told him, I was in a living hell.  He had no idea he was triggering me.  He would just touch my arm and I would be triggered and have a panic attack or worse, feel like a victim all over again.  Once I told him that I had been raped he understood and things got so much better between us.  If he truly loves you, he will understand and care.  IMHO, I think you really need to get control and you do that by talking.  If you can't say, in regards to sex, that this is okay and this isn't okay, then you don't have any control over your emotions or your feelings for that matter. 

My heart goes out to you because I know how hard this is.  How can you tell him when you can barely admit it to yourself.  Therapy is a good thing.  You will not be judged in therapy.  You will not be treated like you are less than a person.  It is okay to cry in therapy, in fact it is expected. 

If you decided to tell him he may have questions.  You will have to be prepared to either say that you don't want to talk about that yet because you aren't comfortable with it or answer the question. 

{{{{{{{{sending lots of hugs to you}}}}}}}}}}

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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to:
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:16pm

<3

My heart goes out to you...

As hard as it is I really believe he needs to know...

I am not talking "Details" but just the fact that this did happen to you.

Something similiar happened to me before I got married.

He knew before we married, actually maybe before we got engaged I think.

Like you and your fiance' we had not been intimate either.

Have you ever told anyone?

Or sought help for yourself?

This was not your fault, you are not to blame.

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
In reply to:
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:03pm
Welcome to the group! Congratulations on your engagement, too. I think that you need to talk to your fiancee about what happened to you. You love him and he loves you. He needs to know so you can work on this together. How long have you been dating? What happened to you is not your fault, but he does need to know. Have you had any counseling?