Wife found out

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Wife found out
12
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 1:45pm

Hello All

 

I am new to the boards - well I have been reading around for a few days and guess only came here because of recent events in my own life and my own affair.  Not even sure why I am posting now!?!  I suppose to get some support maybe and just to get it down and know I'm not on my own.  I've just got in from work and had a terrible day dwelling on everything going round and round in my head.

My affair started a few years ago and just recently his wife found out.  I don't know if I should use the abbreviations !  I don't know them all yet!  So apologies if I don't :smileyhappy:.  Bascially I think my affair is over and I feel devasted some days, sort of relieved other days and angry as hell the rest of the time.  I don't know where to begin in my story or even if anyone is interested to read it enough.  It all seems so similar to everyone else in lots of ways.  Anyway here goes for some background.....

He and I had lots of contact.  Text, phone calls etc etc.  He had so many ups and downs with his marriage.  I know for sure I would never be the cause of any breakup with them and his life seems so miserable at times.  Including huge busts up where he has ended up in a police cell.  He always goes back for the children.  He will not leave them.  She has threatened to leave many times also and says she does not want the children but then threatens to take them off him.  They have endless, endless arguments.  I'm not using that as a reason or anything or excusing my behavoiur in any way.  Or indeed excusing his - I get frustrated that they do nothing about a situation that seemingly they both dislike.  She hates him and he hates her.

Anyway cutting to the chase - 3 weeks ago she overheard him on the phone to me late one night.  So basically now she knows - although I don't know how much she knows.  I spoke and saw him the day after this and since then we have had internet chat contact (generated by me) - more or less my ranting because he hasn't bothered to pick up the phone to me to tell me where I stand although he says he does not want us to end.  My head is spinning so much veering from thinking he is a complete sh@t to thinking it must be hard for him at home blah blah.  I am sat wondering when or if I will ever hear from him again!  He just kept saying "I can't at the mo".  Part of me thinks this should end now and I am trying desparately to keep my pride intact.  We have not had contact since last monday and I am determined that I will not let myself contact him - beside that is limited now as I cannot text, call or email (she saw an email from me apparently).  

Any comments would be greatfully appreciated :smileyhappy: Just feel sad and lonely and wondering what is so wrong with me that he can't call me to explain.  Just a 5 minute phone call.  I feel so worthless in all this :smileysad:

Thanks for reading x

 

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 1:59pm

Topcat I am so sorry this has happened and you are feeling sad and alone.  It is good you have written your story out and please know you will have the support and understanding from this board that you need right now.  You are not alone.  All of the emotions you are feeling from the devastation, relief and anger are normal at this point. You are NOT worthless Top...Big HUGS to you.

I hope he contacts you soon.  It appears they have a terrible relationship to say the least.  Hopefully he will give you the time and answers you deserve asap.

But right now, for you...try as hard as it is to do something for yourself...it is difficult to get out of your own head during this time but something as simple as a hot bath would do your soul some good right now.  Keep posting it helps believe me.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:19pm
Hi Tops,
Welcome to MAS and please don't hesitate to reach out & vent whenever you need to. Your Affair Partner (AP) had a D-Day. He's going through it right now with his wife and he's trying to do some damage control. He's keeping things under wraps as best he can so to preserve of what's left in his marriage. He seems to be going no contact (NC). I know you want him to reach out and tell you what's going on. I know I would but in the event that he doesn't please prepare yourself for what may lay ahead.

Be good to yourself. Go to a spa, try to distract yourself with things you enjoy because this will consume you even more. Allow him the space he needs to get things in order and if he doesn't....than you know where you stand.
I know this is hard and I wish you all the best.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:37pm

Hello ...thank you both for your kind words.  It is more than helpful I can tell you right now just hearing someone say ...I guess wait and that he has his stuff to sort out.  I have just had a hot bath and tomorrow I am going away for the weekend.  Just with my mum but it will be a change of scenery if nothing else.  

It is so hard after the last few years of having him there all the time.  Ok we have had ups and downs along the way.  Fall outs of our own which we have resolved each time.  Believe you me I have given him a hard time many times over the situation and I know he is not lying about his situation at home.  I have had him turn up crying on my doorstep, crying on the phone etc etc.  I have been a good friend to him lots of times - sometimes a bl@@dy counsellor - least it has felt that way.  I too was married previously and I split with my H 7 years (before I got involved in this) so I understand a lot of his issues.  My children are now grown but his are young.  I just feel he has "choosen" her over me!  To not even call me and tell me.  I just once rang his number last Monday (witholding mine) and he didn't answer - he would probably know it was me.  He has ignored me before when we he has had stuff going on and I hate it.  Its disrespectful in a way.  I only wanted a 5 minute call to tell me what was going on.  He has said "lets wait for the dust to settle".  How can he not know I am hurting?  What about my feelings?  In a way I hope he feels as miserable as I do but keep telling myself he has just forgotten me totally.  He has a key for my house and said "its safe" but I don't feel safe.  I feel cr@pped on and I've decided as soon as I am back after this weekend I am going to change the lock - I don't know why I am doing this - self respect I think so that eventually I can tell him I had to do it because I feel dumped and dropped - and for what?? A woman he hates!  She will have heard him on the phone saying to me how he hates his life and is sick sick sick of it.  

She hasn't tried to call me or anything.  Is that normal does anyone know?? I don't understand why I have not had any fallout from it.  She knows my full name and even had my email address I think.  It all feels so messy.  And I feel sad that we had all those years.  She is not interested in him as a partner.  He's slept on the sofa for years - I know this from the many many many late night talks with him.  yet they stay together and I do not understand it - I do not understand if he gives me up!

Thanks again both for replying and the warm welcome.  I won't have internet access from tomorrow till Monday - just when I needed it !  Unless I can get this on my phone or something.  It helps to read other stories and know I'm not alone in this affair thing :smileyhappy: x

 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:45pm
Welcome! Post all you want, everyone here is so supportive and helpful.

Your ap has gone through d day, and I have been where he is. Even though his relationship isn't the best, he still has been found out. He is more than likely going through hell. Purple said it best.

I agree...take time for yourself. Be kind to yourself. It's hard to get out of your head and the wallowing, but do your best for you!

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:47pm
You know Top, for some people when they feel that what they have has been threatened (especially by another woman) they kind of snap out of their madness and things tend to come into perspective as to what really is important in life. They may have a horrible marriage but when that threat of losing it forever is there it makes them want to fight for it even more. They have a history and children together and as miserable as he may be, he still wants to stay and fight for it. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I know I would want to know what's going on but he's not reaching out and that in itself is saying alot. Enjoy your weekend and make the best of it. A change of scenery is most definitely needed and you need to clear your mind and gain some clarity. I hope he reaches out to you soon and that you get the answers your searching for.
Have fun!!!

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 2:57pm

Thank you ....to be honest I haven't (how bad is this going to sound!) thought about his D day.  That makes me sound very selfish doesn't it?  I guess I did in the first few days.  I didn't contact him at all because I expected him to contact me.  We were discovered in the early hours of Friday morning.  He called me first thing and I saw him Friday lunchtime for half an hour - to which he left to go home and since then it has been this sort of NC situation.  Although each time I have contacted him he has responded albeit he is a little (maybe) sharp with me.  He said he didn't want to leave his marriage because he was having an affair.  I guess that is right.  Hearing all your comments has suddenly calmed me down - so thank you - I know I need to look after myself right now.  Instead of eating too much junk as I am and spending too long mulling.  I'm scared he won't be back.  But then I read all the stories and I wonder am I a mug to want that???  

Thank you again - lots calmer than I was an hour ago x

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:05pm

Hi Purple....thank you.....It is saying a lot I know and thats what worries me and angers me also.  Its this reason why I must keep my pride and not contact him again and leave it up to him.  The weekend away will do me good even tho I just want to stay home and be reclusive ! x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:27pm

Hi!  I'm sorry it is so frustrating right now.  That is the worst part to me, too, just not being treated with common courtesy.  I think you are asking yourself a lot of great, tough questions about what he is worth and what you are worth.

One thing that I realized from watching my XAP handle his M is that sometimes people are drawn to the drama of a bad R.  He has PTSD and I swear, I don't think he can stand the "dullness" of an ordinary life.  He and his W fight all the time, nonstop, and yet, like yours, he chooses to stay.  Obviously, they aren't really staying for the kids, because any idiot with half a brain would realize  that rasing kids in such a consistently contentious environment is not healthy at all.  So...why DO they stay?  Laziness, convenience, fear of change, but for my AP, I think part of it is the fighting and conflict made him feel at home (after years in Iraq...lol).  I even asked XAP about it once, and he said it is probably true. So I don't know if your AP has any baggage, but there may be stuff going on deep in his mind that makes the choice more complicated that it seems to us.  I know that even understanding how his PTSD affects him, I was still insulted.  But then, I have a huge ego. :smileyhappy:

Anyway, I hope it blows over soon and you get some answers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:52pm

Hi Jane.....urg forgive me what is PTSD?  I am so rubbish with all the abbreviations.  However I get the gist of what you are saying and it is exactly as I have said to him.  They get some kind of thrill and satisfaction from all this drama going.  Like they can't live without it.  It drives me insane that this is their "normal" life.  How can they stand living like that!  For a time his W's facebook wall was open and I could see how bad she was.  Anger, anger, anger all the time.  I too have said (as have a few of his friends) that this is no good for his children and its like he knows it yet does nothing to change it!  You say XAP? So does that mean yours ended?  I sometimes have thought I will end this situation because I am so fed up of hearing about his dramas and fall outs only for it to smooth over again till the next one.  Yet here I am still in it.  Well maybe not anymore if this is the end and I never hear from him again !!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:53pm

Ah got it ...post traumatic stress disorder ....duh me ! 

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