I'm destroying my marriage

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I'm destroying my marriage
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 7:05pm

I'm newly married. We've known eachother for 7 years. I knew him and his ex wife prior to their divorce. We had went to the same high school and knew a lot of the same people and actually use to hang out. 7 years later, we are both divorced and caught up on facebook. I had been divorced for about 6 months and him about 2. We were both miserable in our marriages long before they ended, and each had stayed way longer than either wanted for the sake of the children.

We had a wonderful time dating eachother and fell in love quickly. Looking back we did rush things, but we were both so caught up in the lovey-dovey feeling. We clicked so much and he made me feel like a queen. After about 4 months of dating we moved in together. We had fights prior to moving in together about our exes. He would tell him ex details about our relationship I felt were none of her business and according to him I let my ex run over me. After we moved in with eachother it got a little worse because we were there daily with eachother hearing the other on the phone with their ex or seeing the texts, etc. We have to communicate with our exes due to our children(we each have 2) but we both felt like each of us was crossing a line. Communication began to be strictly texting and things evened out for a while.

We got engaged after 6 months and one night after he left for work he texted me and said he needed to talk to me. He proceeded to tell me that when we first started talking he ended up sleeping with his ex wife twice. I got upset, mainly because he had lied and hide it from me for so long, but it also destroyed me to know that while we were dating they had slept together. We weren't an offical couple at the time of it happening so I decided to forgive him and try to move forward.

That has proved to be almost impossible. We have our wonderful moments but the first time we start to argue I throw it in his face. We married after 8 months of being together. His ex has sent him inappropiate texts, tried to keep me away from their kids, basically anything and everything she can to drive a wedge between us as a couple. She has gotten in my head and I feel like I compare our marriage and I compare myself to her all the time, daily.

When we first got together, the first time we attempted to sleep together, he could not get aroused. We had been drinking and we both thought that was the reason. It happened 3 or 4 more times in the first few months of our relationship. I tried to not let it bother me too bad but it honestly destroyed me because I felt like he wasnt attracted to me, even though he constantly reassured me it wasn't me at all. I asked if this ever happened in his previous marriage and he said once, but they didn't have sex often, maybe once every 2-3 months, and we were having sex 3-5 times a week.

We've been married now since June and we fight more than we have a good time with eachother, all because of my insecurities over his ex. She's very masculine and really an all around horrible person. She's not attractive at all and I feel like I take good care of myself and try my best to be attractive and presentable but yet for some reason in my head i feel second to her. Two nights ago we were kissing and when we attempted sex he couldnt get aroused. I started crying saying I just didn't understood how he could get turned on by someone who looks like a man but yet cant get aroused by me. He got very hurt and tried his best to reassure me again that it wasn't me, that something obviously is wrong with him. We are both 26 years old, I didn't think things like this happened at our age. Now it's all I can think about, and EVERY single fight we have I throw something about her in his face. I'm RUINING my marriage and I know it but I have no idea how to stop. I LOVE my husband with all my heart. He's the best man I've ever met and treats me and my children wonderful. He has always done everything he could to prove me how much he loves me but for some reason I can't wrap my head around it and honestly I feel like I'm just waiting for him to come home one day and say "I'm going back to my ex". I dont want to live like this. I want a healthy marriage, I want a healthy mind, I want to not feel sad or depressed. I want to be able to have an argument with him and not throw his ex in his face.  Help me please.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 4:47pm

I think there is a lot going on.

It is kind of soon for both of you...

Stress could be playing a big part.

He is young but there could be an under-lying medical issue.

I am thinking possibly Diabetes or maybe a side-affect of medications.

Counselling might be an option for both of you.

It is hard not to take it personally, but it seems he might have ALREADY had an issue and it therefore was pre-existing.

It would not hurt to get that checked out.

Obviously both of you are under a lot of emotional stress right now but I believe you truly love one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 10:11pm
((((((((((HUGS Mandah!!))))))))))

Serenity is ON TARGET:
Your DH married YOU! He is choosing to be with YOU. We all have a past. You are not second to anyone!

We all have moments of insecurity. But you are right that if you keep throwing these things in his face, your marriage will continue to suffer and possibly end.

I would also suggest some kind of counseling and suggest your DH go see see his doctor to see if there is anything physically going on with him. If him and his xW only had sex every two or three months in their early 20's, I would also question the reason for that; whether physcial or mental.

. . . . . . .

It's NOT JUST YOU......
a. only 2-3 months IS somewhat unusual,...and that had nothing to do with YOU.
b. .focusing HIS thoughts on "non performance" makes "non performance" even MORE likely (I think like trying to will yourself to get to sleep with insomnia---the more you think "I have to get to sleep! " the less likely it is to happen)
c.. you both got involved with each other before completely processing divorce...............VERY NORMAL to have issues.

A couple of visits to a marriage counselor would go VERY FAR towards heading you both in the right direction towards working things out......

(((((((((((((MORE HUGS!!))))))))
Best Wishes!---
And keep us posted!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 4:33pm

Welcome!  Sorry you are in such discomfort.

The good part is, that you are very aware of what you are doing.  It would be hard to help anyone who was in denial.  So half the battle has been won here.

I agree with Bella and Starting.  When you go right from a marriage to a new R so quickly, it delays the normal processing of a D and hinders the early stages of a R or M.  My SO was separated, but still M when we got together and I can tell you that it probably took two years after his divorce was final, for the two of us to really get to a place where a normal couple would/should be in their R.  But I have to add that we both did a lot of personal work.  It didn't just magically happen. 

Here was my experience. 

My SO also splet with his W while we were together, early in our R.  I realzie that in my case, SO was still M, but it didn't make it any less painful.  I found out later that their physical R was more than I realized.  But what I had to accept was that anything that happened while they were still M was in the past.  A couple years had gone by before I found out, and it didn't change what we had at that moment.  I had more information, and that was it.  It didn't really change anything. 

Your DH married YOU!  He is choosing to be with YOU.  We all have a past.  You are not second to anyone! 

We all have moments of insecurity.  But you are right that if you keep throwing these things in his face, your marriage will continue to suffer and possibly end. 

I would also suggest some kind of counseling and suggest your DH go see see his doctor to see if there is anything physically going on with him.  If him and his xW only had sex every two or three months in their early 20's, I would also question the reason for that; whether physcial or mental. 

Hang in there and I hope you and your DH can get some help.  Keep us posted.  Hugs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 3:16pm
I agree with Bella. It does sound like you both rushed into marriage and now marriage counseling may be in order. Your feelings sound valid but you need to find a way to get past them in order to have a successful marriage. Your dh also could benefit since he has problems getting aroused. It doesn't sound normal at 26 so there must be some underlying issues there as Bella said.
Keep us updated. We're here for you.