Please help. I'm destroying my marriage

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Please help. I'm destroying my marriage
3
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 7:11pm

I'm newly married. We've known eachother for 7 years. I knew him and his ex wife prior to their divorce. We had went to the same high school and knew a lot of the same people and actually use to hang out. 7 years later, we are both divorced and caught up on facebook. I had been divorced for about 6 months and him about 2. We were both miserable in our marriages long before they ended, and each had stayed way longer than either wanted for the sake of the children.

We had a wonderful time dating eachother and fell in love quickly. Looking back we did rush things, but we were both so caught up in the lovey-dovey feeling. We clicked so much and he made me feel like a queen. After about 4 months of dating we moved in together. We had fights prior to moving in together about our exes. He would tell him ex details about our relationship I felt were none of her business and according to him I let my ex run over me. After we moved in with eachother it got a little worse because we were there daily with eachother hearing the other on the phone with their ex or seeing the texts, etc. We have to communicate with our exes due to our children(we each have 2) but we both felt like each of us was crossing a line. Communication began to be strictly texting and things evened out for a while.

We got engaged after 6 months and one night after he left for work he texted me and said he needed to talk to me. He proceeded to tell me that when we first started talking he ended up sleeping with his ex wife twice. I got upset, mainly because he had lied and hide it from me for so long, but it also destroyed me to know that while we were dating they had slept together. We weren't an offical couple at the time of it happening so I decided to forgive him and try to move forward.

That has proved to be almost impossible. We have our wonderful moments but the first time we start to argue I throw it in his face. We married after 8 months of being together. His ex has sent him inappropiate texts, tried to keep me away from their kids, basically anything and everything she can to drive a wedge between us as a couple. She has gotten in my head and I feel like I compare our marriage and I compare myself to her all the time, daily.

When we first got together, the first time we attempted to sleep together, he could not get aroused. We had been drinking and we both thought that was the reason. It happened 3 or 4 more times in the first few months of our relationship. I tried to not let it bother me too bad but it honestly destroyed me because I felt like he wasnt attracted to me, even though he constantly reassured me it wasn't me at all. I asked if this ever happened in his previous marriage and he said once, but they didn't have sex often, maybe once every 2-3 months, and we were having sex 3-5 times a week.

We've been married now since June and we fight more than we have a good time with eachother, all because of my insecurities over his ex. She's very masculine and really an all around horrible person. She's not attractive at all and I feel like I take good care of myself and try my best to be attractive and presentable but yet for some reason in my head i feel second to her. Two nights ago we were kissing and when we attempted sex he couldnt get aroused. I started crying saying I just didn't understood how he could get turned on by someone who looks like a man but yet cant get aroused by me. He got very hurt and tried his best to reassure me again that it wasn't me, that something obviously is wrong with him. We are both 26 years old, I didn't think things like this happened at our age. Now it's all I can think about, and EVERY single fight we have I throw something about her in his face. I'm RUINING my marriage and I know it but I have no idea how to stop. I LOVE my husband with all my heart. He's the best man I've ever met and treats me and my children wonderful. He has always done everything he could to prove me how much he loves me but for some reason I can't wrap my head around it and honestly I feel like I'm just waiting for him to come home one day and say "I'm going back to my ex". I dont want to live like this. I want a healthy marriage, I want a healthy mind, I want to not feel sad or depressed. I want to be able to have an argument with him and not throw his ex in his face. Help me please.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 12:22pm

Hi,

Neither one of you has finished with your first marriages. BIG MISTAKE in getting involved and married so quickly. You dragged all the baggage of both your marriages and your divorces into your relationship. If it were an equation it would look like this: Your mess + His mess = A Bigger Mess.

If you have any chance of saving your marriage you need help. Find a couples counselor AND each of you should see a therapist individually. You have a lot of work to do. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 12:37pm

Yep;; I agree with Wisdom and would like to add that it sounds like you didnt learn any lessons from your first marriage and you just took whatever you knew into your second marriage..

I have a theory that if you dont learn the hard lessons you will keep repeating them over and over and over and that creats more heartache and nothing gets solved.. Yes; go to counseling and find out the root core down to the soul problems of your lives and work on the hard issues and work and work hard at it and find out why you two are together. If its love then it might be fixed and if not then I would think being your young ages its time to move on .

Good Luck