I need some advice...

Avatar for suamomi
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2001
I need some advice...
5
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 11:41pm
Caity told us she likes a boy. He's in the grade above her and it sounds like he's been flirting.

They are friends on facebook now...and I did a little recon and I don't think I am too thrilled with what I see.

So my questions are: do I talk to her about what an idiot he seems to be? Do I let her have her crush and hope she sees it for herself (and just monitor facebook like a hawk)?

I didn't think I would be so unsure...i guess I just assumed she would like nice respectable boys after her last encounter with that other boy that liked her. It's taking everything I have in me to not tell her what a tool he is...lol. My fear is that it will backfire and she'll be more interested in him...i don't know where she'd get *that* trait from...lol.

Help!

Sarah


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 8:19am
All I can do is sympathize. I only had boys who all had their hearts broken by mean little girls :smileyhappy:
Avatar for zions_daughter
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Registered: 04-18-2001
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 10:47am
I'm wondering if there's a way to bring up his character in casual conversation. Maybe something you're doing together as gals and you ask her to dish on the guy like you're her friend asking, not her mum. I'm not 100% sure it'll work as a strategy, but I imagine from her point of view that your asking "So, what's he like? Are his friends nice to you?" might be less threatening to the potential relationship than "I don't think that boy's good for you, stay away from him!"

You do need to be the mother and authority if something dangerous is going on, and you can feel free to set limits like curfew and how many dates per week so that her schoolwork isn't affected, but to bring up his character appears to need a little tact, so taking the friend role could be the trick to keeping good communication.

Of course, it's been a couple decades since I was a teen and I don't know how I would begin exactly if I had to deal with my own niece and this were going on in her life. Unfortunately, she's almost there, as she acts like a teen at 10!

Avatar for suamomi
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Registered: 08-23-2001
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 7:21pm
Thanks zion. Caity is 12 so there won't be dates. Apparently she and Joe talked today while I was at work. And right now they are rough housing so I guess it went well...lol.

I'm so grateful for their relationship...and seeing as how he knows what a 13 year old boy is thinking, i'm glad she's willing to listen to him. :smileyhappy:

Suddenly, I realize how much my parents must have worried...they have 2 of us girls!

Sarah


 


Avatar for carolejd
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Registered: 01-13-1999
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 7:56am
You are so far ahead of me on this Sarah! Rhi really hasn't had more than a passing "like" for any boys yet, and she doesn't have a Facebook account (nor do most of her friends) so that wouldn't be an issue. It does provide a good way for you to keep an eye on what's going on though, so I can definitely see some advantages there.
I think my own inclination would be as you suggested not to say "no" but just let it run it's course, watching what goes on behind the scenes. I think it's a good suggestion too, to ask about how he behaves in school, towards his friends, towards Caity etc - without actually coming right out and saying "good grief, what a jerk he is!" if she can talk it out she may well be able to figure it out for herself - Caity is a smart kid!

Carole

Avatar for suamomi
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2001
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 1:49pm
Carole, that's the plan...it is nice to have that way to look into her world. Generally, her facebook activity consists of obsessing over Harry Potter and the Hunger Games but with the messaging feature we have to be sure we're checking that too. It was part of the deal we made when we said she could have an account: we have full access. She did have some messaging with this boy...nothing bad. He asked if she likes him and she responded by saying that people are saying he likes her...we thought that was a good answer and told her that. She said, "like I'm going to tell someone I like them!"
We actually had her "go dark" this weekend...no internet, no tablet, no cell phone. And then last night, we had a chat about responsibility and trust. We told her that we don't mind her messaging people as long as she's up front with us about it. It's when she starts hiding things that we lose trust in her. I think she gets it. She is a smart girl...and honestly, we are judging this kid based on one picture and a handful of comments. I found out that he also organized an anti-bullying campaign in honor of a girl that took her own life because she was bullied. So, he might not be all bad...lol
Caity is a good kid and she hasn't really given us any reason not to trust her...i think it's more that suddenly the "game" has changed and we're feeling extremely protective.

Sarah