Trying to remember

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Trying to remember
1
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 10:36am

There are a thousand signs that my brother molested me when I was little (Im 45 now) and we know that he definitely molested my older sister.  I am in therapy now and am trying to deal with many things from my childhood that I have pushed down and refused to even acknowledge.  There is so much evidence that suggest this happened to me.  There is evidence from the past (repeated childhood vaginal infections for example) and a sort of a deep-down knowing in my heart that this is what happened.

However, I have zero actual memory of it.  There are plenty of things I am sorting out from my past that I do remember, however, it feels like I'm supposed to remember this.  My therapist is definitely NOT pushing me.  She is letting all the memories come as slow or as fast as they want to come.  For me, I am trying to focus on the things I know for sure and sort thru all of that.  Wondering if this is part of my story is making me feel a little crazy right now. 

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

Regardless of whether or not this happened, thankfully, I am trying to heal from the verbal and emotional abuse he definitely gave me. That stuff I am remembering quite well now.  It is good to finally acknowledge it and sort thru the pain I experienced back then.

Any insight into this would be greatly appreciated!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
In reply to:
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 1:18pm

Hello pushingthru.

Welcome to the board.

It is difficult when there are no memories but evidence and/or gut feelings of sexual abuse. 

In my own experience, I have a concrete memory of something that happened to me when I was 7 or 8 but then I would get this face flash through my head at the strangest times.  It wasn't anyone involved in the concrete incident that I remember so I never quite understood the connection.  It's been a mystery for me and as much as part of me wants to know, part of me doesn't.

I think it's good that you are working with things in therapy because even if you don't have concrete memories it still leaves you with feelings to work through as a result of the uncertainty and at what you do remember.  It's good the therapist doesn't push things either. 

I wish you the best as you face these things from your past and please come post if you find it helpful.