Help Me Open Her Eyes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Help Me Open Her Eyes!
10
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 11:22am

My 20 year old daugther has been dating the same guy in college for about a year and a half.  My opinion of him is he's rude, racist, self-centered, and has anger issues. Well, she's very frustrated with him because he hasn't taken her out on a date in probably 2-3 months.  He has a job and his dad gives him money each month.  However, he never seems to have any money to take my daughter to a movie or to dinner, but he has the money to buy beer, pizza, and hang out with his friends. She's been putting up with this since Day 1 and keeps thinking he's going to change.  How do I make her understand that the dating period should be when a guy does whatever he can to impress a woman and win her heart?  How can I get her to see that he isn't going to become "Prince Charming, miraculously, overnight? I'm worried sick that she's going to end up long-term with him! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 12:40pm

One other thing to consider (which I hope is not the case) is what part of your daughter's relationship, if any, is motivated by the desire to push you away so that she can complete her autonomous growth into adulthood?

The woman that I am courting has told me story after story about what she had to do 'to' her mother to complete this process and yes, it included dating guys that she knew her mother would disapprove of. In her case, it was all a matter of priority. Sure, she wanted a different kind of guy for her self but holding mom at an arm's length was more pressing at that point in her development.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 12:28pm

My oldest son could do better than his current gf so we have regular talks about relational dynamics, most of which include him and his gf but not all. I'm courting a woman for marriage so I usually bring up things that apply to me (first and foremost *wink*) and overlap to them. The trick is keeping an open mind and waiting for opportunistic times to bring it up so that it doesn't appear to be a calculated attack on their ability to make good choices for themselves.

You have to take it out of the 'end of the world' category or else she will never open up to you - it's just too dire and stressful./daunting to address. She could 'do better,' we call can, including yourself - in many areas of our lives.

Slowly but surely, my son is coming around but, it's 'his' revelation, not mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 2:47pm

Thank you all for your replies! I am truly at my wit's end!  My daughter has been in this relationship for 2 1/2 years, if you can believe that! She has absolultely no desire to date anyone else...period! Yes...they basically sit in his apartment or hers and watch movies or play video games, rather than going on real dates. Been happening all throughout their relationship. They just broke up for good last week or so...and I couldn't have been more thrilled. He told her to f*** off and left her crying in her car.  She said she just didn't have any fight left in her...or so I thought.  Well, in the middle part of last week, my daughter decided to recommit her life to Christ...which made me thrilled! I couldn't be more proud!  Just a few days later, her "ex-boyfriend" asked to talk to her, so she agreed.  He told her he'd been drunk all weekend long and was tired of living that way.  So, my daughter took that to mean that God was showing her that she needed to witness to him about Christ, which may be the case, I don't know. However, she's also taking that as a sign that she needs to give him ANOTHER chance to change. I predict they'll be back in a relationship within a week or two, if not sooner. I'm just sick about all of this. If he's "Mr. Right", why then do I feel so terrible right now?  Why can't my daughter have a backbone? It's like he's her addiction and all she wants to do is try and help him.  I'm am beyond worried that they're going to end up long-term together.  She told me that I need to pray that she'll do what's right for her, not me.  I'm scared that if she gets back with him, she'll look like a fool and her life will be O-VER. Do I back away and keep my opinions to myself knowing full well a train wreck is waiting to happen? 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 2:43am

Doxie, this issue seems very familiar to me.  Have you posted about this before?  How long has your daughter been in this relationship?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 12:22pm

If he hasn't taken her on a date in months, how are they even dating?  Does she keep hannging around waiting for him to ask her out?  Does he just hang out with her at home but not take her anywhere?  Unfortunately I think that the more you point out his bad qualities, the more she is going to insist that you are wrong just to be stubborn.  I wonder what her friends are saying to her about this treatment.  I just think you have to keep quiet if she doesn't ask for your opinion.  Some people have to learn the hard way.  If she gets sick of him not being a good BF, then she'll break up with him.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 5:39pm

Hi,

Here's an idea: have your daughter talk to a woman at the local domestic violence shelter. Let her hear another woman who thought she could get her guy to "change" and then what happened. If that's not palatable, then encourage your daughter to date others. There's no rule that says you must date the first guy you meet. Indeed, if she allowed herself the freedom to actually be single - aka - not attached to any one man in particular - she'd discover there's all kinds of people out there to get to know. And, it doesn't have to be romantic. Encourage her to develop her hobbies, join clubs, go on group outings with both other women and men, encourage friendship with others. 

Your daughter isn't old enough to understand how critical her choice of life partner will affect her life. If you and her father modeled a peaceful and loving marriage, your daughter may mistakenly believe that's how all marriages are and will be. She's pretty young to be dating just one guy. And he's not going to tell her to go away because she's nice and convenient for him.

Good luck.