Confused....((Had to change my profile name so reposted, sorry))

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Confused....((Had to change my profile name so reposted, sorry))
9
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 4:59pm

Well l am new and have been reading for a little while. I am 29 years old and I have been married almost 5 years. Everyone seems to think I have a perfect, happy life. Great house, 2 great kids, I don't have to work, and I give everyone the impression that everything is wonderful. Truth is I am not happy. Its been like that for a while..We have lots of problems..he doesnt touch me ever, no hugs, no nothing! He is a great dad and a good person..he doesnt know how to love someone though. He is not very emotionally there. I feel like we are really good friends but other than that, nothing. I hate going out and seeing all the attention random men will give me and my own husband barely notices me.

I met a guy a couple years back and nothing happened but emotionally he just made me happy, told me everything I wanted to hear that I wasnt getting at home. He was gorgeous, but not the brightest crayon in the box. I moved so I cut off contact competely and didnt even think of him... he just kind of filled some boredom I had. A few months ago I went back home and ended up running into him (I am obviously still unhappy) it all went right back to where we had left it at. Ended up turning physical and it was AWFUL.. he might have made me feel good emotionally but physically he just doesnt have "it" So I was over it... ended up hanging out with some friends and met yet another guy. I really didnt think anything of it. We just talked a lot, had some drinks and we ended up kissing... wow oh wow oh wow. I cant stop thinking of him. We only hung out for 2 days but we have a lot in common and just connected on a level that I havent connected with someone in a while. He knows Im married and he is a single guy in his 20s. We exchanged numbers and we have text back and forth a few times but nothing more than that.

I have been honest with my husband about how I feel, how I dont want to feel like I am not loved my entire life. Im not even 30 yet and the romance is DEAD. I NEED more.. I have beat it into his head for so long how much more I NEED yet he still doesnt give me anything. Anyways I told him I was wanting out but we have 2 young kids and I just cant leave right now. He says he wants to work on things (let me stress we have had a LOT of problems) and I think its too late now... why didnt he want me for the last 5+ years?? And if I stay, I dont know if Ill ever get the fullfillment that I need. I love how this new guy appreciates me, and builds me up. At home with my husband.. Im invisible.

Guess I should list some problems to give a better idea of why I feel so alone... lots of inlaw problems. His mother HATES me. Sends nasty emails to him about me, says mean things to my face.. he tells me to get over it pretty much and that I need to deal with it for him. I saw a therapist for this and told her my story and she told me how she understood why I felt so alone because he never had my back..EVER. That was good to hear. ((If anyone has had inlaw issues, they can seriously make a ding in your marriage) Im not close with my family, his dad use to be very mean to me also but has gotten better. He works a ton..brought me to a new city where I sit by myself all day with no friends. Tries to control me emotionally, he hates when I cry, tells me I annoy him if I open up about problems Im having. I read someones post the other day that their husband told them that "they dont abusive them or cheat on them" so they are a good husband. I feel like he has that same mindset. I mean hes an okay husband, hes nice enough, supports us, great dad..but I just always dreamed of so much more.. romance, love, passion.. all of it. Will I ever be happy?? Sorry this is so long..not really sure what I am looking for..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2012
Wow you are still so young. I can relate to much of what you wrote. Sometimes I think I must be crazy to be unhappy but the emotional deprivation leaves a woman starved.

I'm many years older than you - also left my home state for my husbands job at one point and nearly lost my mind. We recovered from that to some extent but it's never been the same.

My children are 8 &11 now and I'm fairly determined to stay for them. We hardly fight anymore (I quit trying to communicate my needs do what's there to fight about?). The kids are relatively happy, although they are aware of a change in our marriage. I came right out and told my H I want us to work to focus on being good parents and a happy family but no more sex or trying to fix our broken marriage. It was just like banging my head against the wall. He didn't get it. We saw a therapist for several months to try to improve the marriage as well but no luck.

I think your children are little. That is a very difficult time for a mom if you ask me. Constant demands and your needs aren't being met :smileysad: single oarenthood is not glamorous. I have several friends who opted for that. It's a lot to figure out.

If the new admirer is happy to give you some much-needed attention I say take it. It's bound to bring you some happiness and let H off the hook for his shortcomings?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2012
I'm not trying to say what *i'm* doing is right but if you have repeatedly tried telling H about your emotional needs and he's basically hushing you, maybe he simply doesn't have the capability to express emotion as you are finding you need. So are you expected to live without that because he can't provide it? That doesn't seem fair.

In my world H works & pays the bills and I do the rest (cook, clean, laundry, homework, kids sports & activities, groceries, etc etc). I think my H has a pretty good deal.

Have you tried Skout just for chatting? I met a few nice guys on there who made me feel wanted again. It was fun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011

I can relate to what you're going through.  I've been unhappy for years.  We're coming up on our 10th anniversary.  I used to dream of leaving.  I'm only a year older than you.  A year or so ago I kept threatening to leave...but with a bunch of kids (I have 5, back then I either had 4 or was pregnant with #5) I really had nowhere to go and no way to support them.  So I decided to try and make it better.  I've been going to therapy for over a year now.  It's helped immensely with me.  I've been doing great in some areas.  But, H...I don't know.  We've improved our fighting cause my therapist gave me some great skills in dealing with conflict.  That's helped.  I don't put up with BS-sarcastic-@$$ comments/replies/remarks any more.  H's gotten better, cause I wasn't responding to it.  He got all that crap from his mother, who is the QUEEN of passive aggressive, OMG, and yes, she hates me too.  I got a lot of advice from in-laws from Dr. Phil's website and it's helped immensely.  Seriously.  He has a list of rules to follow.  I used to MAKE us go over to her house every weekend cause she blamed me for H not coming over.  BS!  One of the rules I remember, H's relationships with in-laws are his responsibility, NOT MINE!  I don't have to like them, I will always be civil.  I will let the kids interact with them, spend time as long as their relationship is healthy (it is).  But *I* don't have to put myself in front of her or deal with her at all.  See, she was using me to get at H, cause he has pretty much the emotions of a rock after being raised by her, except with me, hence her getting me riled up to affect him....  H's relationship with his mom is HIS, not mine.  I stopped trying to force a relationship.  MIL is too passive aggressive to tell H that there is something wrong with me.  All I can think is if she is doing it then she is getting something out of it.  Is she getting a response from you?  Your H should be shutting it down, he should have your back, and you should be able to talk to him.  If you're not sure about going to couple's therapy, then try therapy just for yourself.  I'm comfortable with that and it has helped our M because my therapist gives me tools to use in certain situations.  Except the A is new, and I've only seen my therapist once since it started, and didn't even bring it up...cause we've been focusing on improving my marriage this whole time....seems messed up to bring that into the mix.  I don't want that clouding it, I want to know how to make my marriage better.

I never thought I'd be in an A.  But I haven't felt desired in years.  H only desires me, only shows affection, when he wants sex.  That's it.   And I think I've handled everything wrong concerning sex with him.  I haven't WANTED to have sex with him in years...but I have sex with him every 3rd day.  I've figured out that's how often he needs it in order not to be a collosal jerk.  Seriously, we go to 4 days and he's depressed, a jerk, and sarcastic...total A-hole.  If he was affectionate then it would be a passive aggressive move to get at me, like not letting me go forcing me to back him off and then blaming me for pushing him away....making it so I would avoid hugs with him at all costs.  I put a stop to that and now he does hug me occasionally, still usually when he's expecting sex.

I never thought I'd have an affair...but it ended up developing over years...and now I can't stop it.  AP is exactly my type, older, a guys guy, and very expressive and straight forward.  Not afraid to tell it like it is.  I don't sense an ounce of passive aggressiveness in him.  I can deal with people telling me something they don't like, but it's painful for someone to take it out on me.  I don't want to live like that ever again.

Idk what to do.  I've definitely got time to figure it out.  I spent my entire 20's being unhappy...I don't want my 30's to go the same way.  Whether that's staying or going...Idk yet.  Good luck to you and I hope you're able to figure out what's best for you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009

We just talked a lot, had some drinks and we ended up kissing... wow oh wow oh wow. I cant stop thinking of him. We only hung out for 2 days but we have a lot in common and just connected on a level that I havent connected with someone in a while...

Do you care to elaborate on the "connection"?

You say that you're not thinking about leaving your M, and of course your AP is fine with that. I hope you realize that you're in a vulnerable position and he is taking advantage of you. He has his "free lunch" now for years to come....