Shame in us

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Shame in us
7
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 9:16pm
I have read some posts on this site and I am sad to see how parents seem to Blane hanging out with the "bad kids" as a reason for their children's problems. I am sensitive to this matter because my sin is one of the "bad kids". He is 18 and has put us through the ringer but he has recently begun to try and put his life back together and continues to get put down by parents in the community. I think we all need to look back to when we were teenagers. Maybe not all of us but some of us made sine mistakes and are not bad people. I seey sons depression getting worse and the hurt and embarrassment he is experiencing from his mistakes. What the parents don't know is that my son suffers from post concussion syndrome although it is not an excuse for his behavior it did not help. We talk about kids bullying other kids what about parents bullying our kids by using rumors and second hand information to form opinions about the "bad kids". I think about poor Amanda Todd and about what parents reactions to their children were when they learned about the photo. I live in a community that is very opinio







Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to:
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 11:51pm

Post-concussive syndrome resolves within 6 months AT THE MOST from the time of injury,  when symptoms do occur, which is not always.  A dear friend of mine's son suffered Contrecoup brain injury as a result of a skateboard accident, which had him hospitalized for a week.  He did exhibit some increased irritability and attention problems--but he was ADHD BEFORE the accident. 

Traumatic brain injury does not cause a 180 in personality.  Sometimes, there are problems, but if the child is St Francis before the accident, he will be St Francis with PCS after the accident.  On the other hand, if they are Charles Manson, they will be Charles Manson with PCS after the accident.

The best thing you can do for your son is get him counseling, psychotherapy and cognitive behavior therapy, to deal with both the pre-existing and the post-concussion behavior.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 11:29am

I have been doing some research on TBI as a personal injury lawyer and it can actually cause major changes in behavior, depression,  etc.  I recently found a case where a guy who had been in some kind of accident won a very large amount of money and in that case it mentioned that he had been a very nice person before the accident and afterward couldn't control his behavior & had angry outbursts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to:
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 11:32am

I do feel bad for your son if he is trying to put his life back together.  I think that people are judged on their action so if he got a "reputation" as a teenger for doing some things, whether it was using drugs, stealing, or whatever, that reputation is unfortunately going to stick with him for a while especially in a small town.  You say he has only recently started to put his life back together so he hasn't had time enough to develop the "good reputation."  I think we've all seen cases where a guy goes from being the trouble maker to then doing something upstanding like joining the police force, but there has to be enough time passing and also the person has to actually do things to make it evident that he has really changed.  Good luck to him.  I live near Boston & we certainly do have good hospitals here.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: sabrtooth
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 11:41am

<<<If we are telling our kids to stay away from certain kids we are labeling them which in turn is telling our children it is ok to label.>>>  No, it is not.  If I tell my children I don't want them out of my house with certain kids, it is because I do not trust those kids, or their parents, to behave in ways I approve of.  When my children were young, and picked friends whom we thought engaged in risky or inappropriate behavior, or had parents whose values did not reflect ours, or did not supervise their children the ways we supervised ours, we only allowed our kids to see those kids at OUR house, where we could supervise them.  Generally, those children, or their parents, grew tired of our restrictions, or our children began to see what we saw, and the kids parted ways.  Sometimes tho, the other kids came to appreciate the stability and boundries of our house, and continued to come around.

As our children matured into older teens, they made their own value judgments, and generally we let them experience the impact of their judgments so they would learn by trial and error.  But if we saw a clear and present danger to our children, that they did not appreciate, we would step in.  I did not let my teens spend unsupervised time with kids who routinely engaged in underage drinking.  I did not let my 16 yo daughter spend unsupervised time with a boy who had been arrested for auto theft, and had a history of violence.  He eventually showed his true colors, and thankfully she was not injured.  I told my 18 yo daughter that the 25yo man she was interested in, was too old for her, and did not have HER best interests at heart.  When she told him she wanted to slow down the relationship, he showed his true colors, also.

If the boy, or the man in these examples had proved, by accepting boundries and continued good behavior, that they were NOT inappropriate, dangerous, lazy, unmotivated, etc, etc, that would have ended the objections.  

It does not matter what CAUSES a person to behave inappropriately -or dangerously.  If their behavior IS inappropriate or dangerous, that is the bottom line.

If you want parents to stop telling their kids to stay away from your kid, then your kid has to show that he IS trustworthy, safe, appropriate, law-abiding, motivated and a good influence.  

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: sabrtooth
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 12:03pm
Yes, I know that true TBI can cause a behavior change, depending on the area of the brain that is injured. That, of course, is the science behind a lobotomy. But based on the research we did at the time, and conversations she had with her son's neurologist, post-concussive syndrome, and contrecoup injury, are not as damaging as intrusive brain injury. And my gf's son had a period of angry outbursts and irritable behavior, and was depressed because he didn't like being that way, which is where cognitive behavior therapy comes into play. Rather than psychoanalyze the REASONS for the behavior, it gives the patient coping strategies, and ways to try to control the behavior. And as predicted, he gradually was able to regain control. But to address the OP statement, during the period this kid couldn't play nicely, and to prevent further injury, he was OFF the football team, OFF the wrestling team, and restricted from get-togethers likely to provoke the bad behavior.