Feeling worse :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Feeling worse :)
9
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 6:11am
Thought I'd come back and say hi :smileyhappy: still not heard from AP. I'm away for the weekend with my mum and aunt and I'm totally bored siting with phone in hand. And so have checked up on him online. Facebook etc. he re added an ex friend at 1 am Friday night and last night at 2 am was posting (with kisses) to another female friend. Beginning to think I've been totally dropped abd he's hoping I will just go away without any fuss and so save his ar@e with his W.

Frustrated and angry !
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 2:09pm

I'm a little confused why he'd be interacting that way with other women when he just had a D-day, or are they just friends of his & W's? 

When xAP had a close call a year ago, he disappeared for about 2 weeks to do damage control.  He asked me to give him some space, which I did, and once things were same old at home, he came back and did damage control with me.  It was really a frustrating time, and there are a lot of negative feelings that go with it.  On your last post, someone said when you're about to lose something, you'll fight for it even if you're not sure you want it.  I couldn't agree with that more!! 

I hope you've been able to put down the phone & enjoy some of your weekend. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 2:59pm
Hi Create .... No this is a woman that only he is friends with. He and his W are not friends with one another on Facebook. They have separate friends. He re added this lady (whom he's told me about and who was a neighbour of his mother) at 1 am Saturday morning and he also posted on another married lady friends wall at nearly 2 am Sunday morning. He's clearly still following his pattern of sleeping on sofa given he is alone to post on fb. From this I deduce his W is not checking his fb like I am !

I've still managed to hold off contacting him and I hope to continue that partly out of my own self respect and partly to do as he wants and wait for the dust to settle. I guess I'm having a crisis of confidence feeling that he wants me to just go away and crawl under a stone and not upset his life. It hurts there is no denying. Struggling to cope with this not knowing if he will come back to me for the damage control with me. And yet even as I say that I feel like a weak person wanting it. I don't want to be or feel weak. I want to feel strong and in control. I hate this state of vagueness or whatever the right word is :smileyhappy:

Thanks for your reply. Have been reading some of the old posts today to keep me focused x
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 4:55pm

You are being strong and in control for allowing him space & taking care of you.  Give yourself credit for that! 

As far as thinking he may be feeling he wants you to go away & not upset his life, it sounds from your story that his life was upset long before you came along, and I'm sure what he's dealing with now is no picnic.

I know it's easier said than done, but by putting yourself first right now, when he does come back & if you decide to take him back, that choice will be coming from a place of strength rather than weakness. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 5:07pm
Yes I know that's true. I'm fearful of loosing him and all the hard word we have invested because he feels he should 'do the right thing'. I have to hold on to that and have some faith. It feels positive having it reinforced that I am doing the right thing now and helps to hold off contacting him. A friend said to me that at least I will know I've done exactly as he asked. My brain needs a rest from the tumbling thoughts !!
Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 10:21pm
Yes, you are doing the right thing. Wait for your own dust to settle and see how you feel. Stay strong!

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 9:02am
Topcat, I'm sorry you are going through this, i have been there and i know how hard it is, but will say that your AP is displaying strange behaviour for one who has just had a dday. How did she find out? And did you find out about the dday through AP alone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 9:34am
Hi .... We were found out from a telephone call. Late one Thursday we were on the phone for about an hour till 1.30 am in the morning. We ended the call saying goodnight and 2 mins later my phone rang again. Me thinking it was him and it was his W voice said 'whose number is this'. She then hung up. I saw him the next day briefly for an hour. I think the only reason Im getting nothing from him is he feels guilty and kept saying he didn't want his kids to think he was having a sordid affair!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 10:28am

I started on these boards over 3 years ago and read a lot about AP's faking their dday over at EAS, I even thought my AP faked his dday at one point regardless of his actions never showing that he wanted it to end. His D was proof of how real it was so he proved me wrong in that regard. In a way I understand why an AP would fake a dday to end an A, it wouldn't be as challenging to implement NC, and both partners could go on with their lives. Having said that it is evident that your AP didn't fake his. The waiting around for contact from them during this time is h$ll, and I found it very difficult to cope with.I completely understand his fear of his kids finding out, you have to give him that, actually I think it is one of my biggest fears. All you can do at this point is wait till the dust settles, and I know that is incredibly hard, but do try to keep yourself busy. If you were bothered by his interaction with those women on FB, raise it with him, you have every right, unless of course you have an open arrangement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2012
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 3:32pm

Hi ....I certainly will be bringing up the FB issue.  In fact he already knows how I feel about FB.  I have seen him "flirt" on there.  Nothing in it.  His way etc.  But I do think it is insensitive to re add this woman now.  Of course he won't realise that I have been able to see that he has added her.  He's a bit dumb (and I mean that nicely) when it comes to these things.  We've gotten away with our own contact with his W for 6 years.  She doesn't normally check up on him.  Unlike me!  I do check up on who his friends are on FB.  And I have checked other stuff out so he knows I check up on him.

I can see why AP's would fake it yes to bring things to an end.  And easy way out if they want that.  Maybe a kind way out?  Trouble with mine is we had spent that evening (the evening of discovery) emailing and texting and then finally on the phone for over an hour before ending the call.  All was fine with us - in fact I thought better than ever.  I'm not sure what the W heard but she knew enough to know my full name.  It was quite a shock hearing her voice and I guess I knew it blew my word apart.

Really now my pride really has kicked in (due to his FB stuff) and I am determined not to contact him.  Determined.  I'm not sure if he leaves it too long how I will feel.  However I am sure that I will not put up with FB and any messing about.  I feel incredibly hurt by it and I know I am worth much more.  I feel strong today but tomorrow I could feel rubbish again I know and yes its h@ll.  It has been h@ll this last - nearly 4 weeks now!  4 weeks since Dday and I still don't really know what the outcome will be.  Its ridiculous.  Still the longer he leaves it the worse it is for him.  If I am honest I am disgusted with his behaviour but some might say I should have known.  MM and all that.  I didn't ever think it would work out like so many of the other stories I have read on these boards.  But here I am ....