Sunday blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sunday blues
16
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 1:47pm

Anyone besides me find Sunday's hard to endure? Sunday's have always been sad to me for some reason, but now....they are almost unbearable.  Rainy and windy here today, and the leaves are starting to turn and fall.  Just having a pity party and wondered if anyone else struggles with Sundays.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 2:36pm

Sorry you got the Sunday blues ((ISHKB))

I guess if your Sundays have always made you sad, having ended your affair, and if your Sundays were spent in some way connected to your AP, your sadness may feel more amplified.  I wonder what it was about Sundays in your past that have always made you sad.

My Sundays are happy days these days, but I DO remember experiencing Sunday blues in the past especially, also, in the Fall...knowing Winter was just around the corner.  And, if I couldn't find anyone to hang with, and I didn't have a computer in those days, I just vegged in front of the boob tube.  

Is there a friend you can call?  Maybe talk about how she's doing...get yourself out of yourself for a while.  Take a nice walk to trigger those feel-good chemicals? Or watch an uplifting or funny movie?  Read a book that is light and breezy?

I'm around, so if you just feel like talking...knowing someone is here with you.

((hugs))

Clarity

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 3:53pm

When I was young, my Dad worked out of town all week, leaving on Sunday and returning on Friday.  Unless those few years had a bigger impact on me than I have thought about, I have no idea why Sundays are so sad and hard for me.  My Mother seemed to manage fine, I dont' remember her being overly emotional when he left but I remember all of us waiting at the window on Friday afternoon to see him return! 

As I have said in earlier posts, my A was different in that we spent every weekend together.  He had not lived with his W in years and lived in a different state from her (and me, but close enough to be here every weekend).  So, for over 10 years he came in on Friday night and stayed until Sunday night or sometimes even until Monday morning.  He was so involved in my life we might as well have been married.  Everywhere I look in my house he had something to do with...paint, repairs, purchases I made when he was with me....Outside is the same..landscaping we worked on together, trees we planted..etc. If I had the money to move I swear I would consider it.  Or gut the house and start over!  I hope this will pass and I will be able to look around and remember this was MY house before I met him and I have worked my butt off to have it!  I am taking baby steps and making lists of things I can afford to change, like paint colors.  I have re-arranged the furniture as best I can just to make SOMETHING look different.  Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble...amazing how much it helps to type it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 3:58pm
Oh Good, a blues jam at Clarity's house! yes, Shoulda, I too don't like Sundays. DH works weekends so I am mostly on my own and did used to spend a lot of electronic time with xAP. Changing that routine has not gotten much easier, unless I bury myself in work which is always, conveniently, there...I also ended the A on a Sunday morning so every one that rolls around is another something, sometimes it feels like a notch in my belt, and other times like a notch in my heart. See-saw Sundays! Today is DH's birthday and I am trying to rally for a dinner with friends when he gets home, but int truth, I wouldn't mind just putting my head under the covers and waiting for Monday to get here.
OK, dramatic blues riff here, take it away Clarity!
Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 4:19pm

Seems to me that your Dad leaving every Sunday, not to return 'til Friday, would bring on a profound sadness as a child and possibly remain with you as an adult.  I'm sorry it was like that for you.

I'm glad to hear you are arranging your home...I was about to suggest that.  Do whatever it takes to make it less a constant reminder of your time with JAM.  Rearrange the furniture, change an entire corner of a room, a splash of new paint here...a splash of new paint there, different pictures can be hung, add some plants and create a new jungle look :smileyhappy:, play computer games, as they really make time fly and create new brain pathways. Maybe even plan a new activity to do every Sunday....something you really look forward too...to replace old memories...to get you out of the house and out of your own head.

You're on the right track.  I know we all probably get sick of hearing how time and distance help, but it's true...memories begin to fade, pain eases up.  You are grieving, don't forget...so be patient with yourself.  And pamper yourself.  Now, I know you know how to do THAT!

((hugs))

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 4:37pm

Yes, it is true that this is indeed the stages of grief.  I was widowed 13 years ago, suddenly, and I very well remember the stages I had to go through.  The difference now though is back then I had children still at home and I HAD to function to make sure they were cared for.  I kept putting one foot in front of the other because they needed me, they needed that strength and they needed to see that I was ok, so they could know that they could be ok too. This time around, the kids are grown, doing their own things, (healthy and happy) and this time the man walked of his own accord.  Admitting that he truly did love me, and the years together were the happiest of his life, but admitting it must not have been enough or he would have done the right thing by me...and chose me.  So....here I sit....with nothing but ME, and frankly, I am really having trouble trying to figure out HOW to move forward.  I have never put myself first and can't imagine what Pampering myself would consist of.  How sad, that at 50, I have no idea of who I am or what I expect to make me happy.  What I HAVE figured out is that I put all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak.  I totally made him my priority not realizing that I was always just going to be an option to him.  I want to find ME again, and find the things that make ME happy so that if I am lucky enough to find love again I will NEVER let my happiness depend on anyone other than myself. I just have no idea where to start!

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 4:54pm

Two possible thoughts here.

One, AGREE'ers could be one of either side. 

Saturday and Sundays were off limits because of them being non-work days.  Easy to understand.  Or to simplify, their spouse was around. 

Your situation is completely the opposite. This was your time together. I've mentioned before, your situation is a little different but then again falls into the same overall group. It is a classic trigger, "what should be happening".

You are going through classic and common triggers, and the idea of being betrayed, and wanting change are very understandable.

You had a lot invested in him.  Beyond time and money and everything else, you had love involved.  You were betrayed.  There isn't much question about it.

I think I mentioned that at your beginning post, you may find more comfort with the Betrayed Spouse Board.  Whatever you are feeling, you have my ear.  I have been on both sides of this coin, and understand what you are saying.

Giving up what he has done to you, is the toughest.  He has been a *****. 

But you have to understand, those of us who are here, have also been exactly where he has been, so you aren't going going to get a lot of sympathy.  We ALL have betrayed our spouse.

We all thought we we were justified in finding love somewhere else, for whatever reason.  Usually in a fog, but we felt justified.  We all sought love somewhere else, other than the relationship that we were in.

This is not a judgment call, but there must have been something that made him look elsewhere.  Probably his weaknesses, but it is a hard a call.  Evidently things were not as perfect for him as they were for you.

You sound so much like me, at my previous times.  I remember wall-papering the kitchen right after she visited and mentioned how she didn't like the changes I had made to our home.  I spent a lot of time coming up with new ideas to change our home. I think there are many of us who LIKE change when we are troubled.  It gives us a sense of power. Power to change our surroundings, and changing our lives.

Do whatever makes you feel good. You deserve it.

I am surprised that he hasn't come back.  I fully expected him to do that. Hat in hand.

I think you are to be commended for hanging in there, and doing what ever you have done.  I don't envy your position at all.

My best thoughts are with you, I hope you find happiness.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 5:13pm

I agree, I don't think things were as perfect for him as they were for me, or obviously things would have turned out different.  I do believe that because of some other things that were changing in his life concerning his job and a few other things he realized that I was not going to "keep on keeping on" until he made things right.  I think for whatever reason he holds onto his marriage, he realized that he was going to have to make a choice. So, instead of doing the right thing and telling me his feelings were changing, and walking away leaving me a tidbit of dignity, he chose to start something up with a married woman.  PERFECT for him, she won't be wanting to give up her lifestyle or status so they can sneak and never have to worry that the other one will be expecting more.  I guess?? I don't know....I am still at a loss as to why he would hurt me this way.

I did get an email from him a few days ago.  A beautiful letter actually.  Not asking for forgivness, but saying he understood if I never forgave him.  Told me that the years were in deed the happiest of his life and that my home and my love was what he always had dreamed of having.  BUT IT MUST NOT HAVE BEEN ENOUGH, his words.  He admitted he was a coward, and that he didn't change things because he didn't want to let anyone down and he now realizes that he hurt the one person in the world that he never had to question whether he was loved or not. Well, thats all well and good, but what does that really leave me with? Nothing but memories. I have not answered the email. 

Anyway, I have always loved a project and i picked up paint samples Friday and am looking forward to changing some things up.  Really wrestling with the idea of a game room, DARTS with his picture in the bulls-eye.  :smileysurprised:

 

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 5:31pm

I fully understand where he is coming from and where you,..............are now in this dilemma.

I know it can't be easy, but I think you are handling it the best that can be expected. 

If....IF we only knew what it was that made us act so goofy, it would be easier to understand. 

I would think most here would agree, we were just out of control of our logical minds.  I am sure he is feeling the same thing, or will..........sooner or later.

He had a good thing, and blew it.  Like we all did.  Luckily some of us are getting another chance.

You are doing the right thing in my opinion, MOVING ON even though it is hard, and you quite can't understand.  It is the best for you. You had a NON committed person who you had fallen in love with. 

You have a lot to give to the right person, and they are out there. It will happen. I am confident.  Don't sell yourself short.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 5:49pm

I'm a big fan of making out lists, so I am going to suggest making out one for yourself :smileyhappy:

Make a list...and it'll take some thinking...of things you would enjoy doing or being.  Even the most outrageous ideas may turn out to be something not so outrageous.  Maybe there were things you always wanted to do, but gave up to have a family or you were too financially strapped or couldn't find the time.  Or maybe there are things that you just poo poo'd, but suddenly at this juncture in your life they don't seem so poo pooable, but actually doable.

Some ideas may be easily attainable, some may take some effort, but who knows, along the way, you may find out a lot about yourself...your abilities...creativity...inherent strengths...and even if you come across some weakness, they may provide a nice challenge.  

Just some food for thought.

  


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 6:31pm

((ISHKB)),

I'm sorry you're having a rough time today.I can relate to what you're saying about everywhere you look in your house you see him. I had that same problem. Xmm was at my home a lot and also did a lot of things around here. At almost a year out of my A I can tell you that his "ghost" no longer haunts every room in my home. It does get better. I purged my home of everything that he had given me/brought into my home with the exception of a fountain on my patio. That I kept, not because it was from him, but because I love the sound of it!

I realize you're probably not ready to start getting rid of things or changing things but as you start feeling stronger I would suggest you start, little by little. The strength you will gain from doing that will surprise you. And eventually those things and his "ghost" will be gone....and you will be stronger and better for it.

Sending you ((hugs)) and strength.....

~~Noway~~

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

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