I'm ready to not be angry but HOW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
I'm ready to not be angry but HOW?
4
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 5:16pm

Hi all,

well my divorce was fast and furious.  He was having an affair and there was no working on our relationship...not from my end but his.  He told me he was unhappy and here it is less than a year, and on Wednesday I will wake up a single woman.  My thing is though I'm tired of being angry.  I'm by nature a sarcastic/witty person and I like that side of my but I've taken on an edge lately that I'm not fond of.  I know I'm busier and stressed but I don't want to be that angry divorcee.  I'm ready to not be angry, but does that mean I forgive him...let him off the hook?  How do I do that to a man that left without a warning or a fighting chance...a man that left his children (even though he says he didn't).  Does that mean I forgive her and welcome her into my kids life?  For those of you that have moved past your anger, what did that mean to you and how did you do that?

thanks,

B

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 8:36pm

I think that choosing not to be angry at him doesn't mean letting him off the hook--it means giving yourself a break.  The anger that you feel really isn't hurting him as much as it's hurting you.  It doesn't mean you have to forget what he did or be nice to the woman, but that you just aren't going to let thoughts of him take over your mind.  Now as to how you do that, I don't know--it would be easy if we could all turn off anger.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 8:53pm

Hi,

Unfortunately, processing your feelings throughout a divorce and after its finalized isn't a "one and done" kind of thing. It's more like, "Here comes anger...and there it goes...and here it comes again!"  You will experience the entire range of feelings one normally associates with dealing with the death of a loved one: shock, anger, bargaining, acceptance, repeat....repeat...repeat. 

That you've "arrived" at wanting to be "done" with an emotion is a good sign. However, you shouldn't expect this process to be a straight line - it won't be. You'll revisit all those feelings listed above at least a few times over the next months and even years. 

So, my advice is find a good therapist and/or a support group so you can vent and hear what others have to say. This is especially important because you need to know what you're feeling isn't "weird." It's "normal."

Good luck. You're a long way from being done with this process. Take the time you need to get through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 9:45am
Keep in mind that forgiveness isn't about the person you are forgiving and it is not for their benefit. It is about you and for your benefit. It doesn't "let them off the hook." It doesn't mean that what they did was right or that you have changed your mind and think what they did was ok. It means that you are not allowing them to have power over you anymore. It means you are not allowing them to control your feelings and your emotions. And it doesn't mean you have to like the repercussions (the other women being a part of your kids life).
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 3:00pm

Anger is a normal part of life, but the fact that you feel your anger is turning you into someone you don't like means it's time for you to work on remaking yourself into who you want to be.  I know after living with someone who was always angry and bitter that his attitude started to rub off and me AND our children, and that was a huge slap in my face.  There are many things you can do to channel your anger into something constructive, (for me, I clean) and talking to someone, like a therapist, can help you find ways to stop those angry thoughts in their tracks and redirect your thinking.  It's not easy, but with some work, it can be done.  As for letting this other woman into your children's lives?  If your ex goes on and marries her, you won't have much of a choice in the matter, and staying angry at both of them is only going to make YOU miserable.  For the sake of your sanity and your kids, you need to figure out how to let it go.  That doesn't mean he's "off the hook" as others have said, not by any means.  It just means that you have decided not to allow his behavior dictate how you feel any longer.  From my experience, letting go of my anger actually made me feel more powerful, not diminished in any way, or like the person I was angry at wasn't at fault for what he did to me.  Exercise is one of the best ways to deal with negative feelings like anger, too.  Anything from yoga to kickboxing can relieve your tension and help you clear your mind and focus on nothing but breathing and moving your body.  If you don't already work out, start now.  Not only will it help you deal with your anger, but you will feel better over all, have more energy, and see life from a different perspective.  Plus, the time you spend on you will start the process of making YOU a priority in your life again.  I hope this helps a little.  My elliptical has seen a LOT of action in the last year, and it's really helped me deal with everything.  Losing 15 pounds and having a lot of energy are a plus, too.  :-)