Nice guys still come last??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Nice guys still come last??
17
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 7:05pm

I'm not sure if this a question or a rant, but i wonder, past our 30's, does this still continue. As kids in our teens, and i guess into the 20's most women seem to just like the bad guy thing... so if you fall into the "nice guy" category, it is crazy hard out there. I spent so much time in the dreaded "Friend Zone"  i should have ran for mayor in there. Got tired of hearing the famous phrases " I like you as a friend", or " if i could meet a guy like you".. and i'd be thinking.... i am a guy like me... but i accept i had a part in being put in the zone, and after a while i became comfortable with it, thus ended having more female friends than male friends, some i have kept for almost 20 years. But things happened like they do for "nice guys", finally meet someone, and make the best husband you can be. but finding myself back single in my late 30s, so far i find the "nice guy" is still a problem. And i ask, why???

I know part of the reason is that most "nice guys" have no game.. they have no style when it comes to approaching women, so i guess that is a potential problem, but is an amazing pick-up line still a requirement... I watch and listen to some of my buddies as they pickup women, and i am amazed they can say some of the things they do, and then even more astounded that the women fall for these lines.... i don't i can say some of these lines with a straight face.... if a guy asks you to come home with him the night you meet in a bar... and says.. " i don't normally do this but we just have such a connection"... i am sure everyone knows that is a lie, but i can;t  believe how many times i have seen that work... and i am like.. really??

But for us, when you try to come respectfully, you are blown off... and then in the few rare cases that you make a connection with someone, as soon as they realise you are the nice type, they then try to run over you... Just because i am willing to do things for you when you ask, does not make it your newly aquired right. Just because i chose not to pick a fight over small things does not mean you can now run everything. I find a lot of these kind of women mistake kindness and quietness for weakness, and then they wonder why you just stop calling and drop out of their life.

Having been raised by strong women, I do respect a strong woman, but i get the idea that some of these women out still want a man with a neandethal mentality...or someone they can run over. Where are the ones that want an equal partner... that want to get together, figure out if its a good match, and if it is then build towards something. Not everything is going to be perfect, but keep an eye on the big picture, and with that, you can pick your battles better...

Ok it turned it more of a rant than a question, so I guess, the question is for the women on the forum, what do you think about the nice guys vs bad boys thing? Fellas, what is your experience with this, or what do you think too?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 3:16pm

In my opinion nice guys are not attractive because they're just very boring... we love to feel that a guy can be completely unpredictable and doen't behave like a whipped dog.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2012
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 1:11pm

You seem to be a very nice person, thank you for sharing this. If I can speak for women, I think we are not attracter by a "nice or bad" person, we are attracted by a character. We like someone truly confident and enjoying his life in a personal way. This is what we are attracted by. So, when a guy come to us, we have a few seconds to tell if he is a character seeking to enjoy his life, or just someone that would pick anything that would give some attention to him.

If I may give you an advice, this is what you should focus on, showing you are a character and be yourself. I know competition is fierce, but in every occasion you should approach women your own way, showing you are someone special and you enjoy your life. This is truly attractive.

I hope this will help.

Sofia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2012
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 1:11pm

You seem to be a very nice person, thank you for sharing this. If I can speak for women, I think we are not attracter by a "nice or bad" person, we are attracted by a character. We like someone truly confident and enjoying his life in a personal way. This is what we are attracted by. So, when a guy come to us, we have a few seconds to tell if he is a character seeking to enjoy his life, or just someone that would pick anything that would give some attention to him.

If I may give you an advice, this is what you should focus on, showing you are a character and be yourself. I know competition is fierce, but in every occasion you should approach women your own way, showing you are someone special and you enjoy your life. This is truly attractive.

I hope this will help.

Sofia

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 2:39pm

 

I will say that on the rare occasion the guy just says he wants to have fun with no attachment I know for me I would like some sort of relationship. I think I can have fun on my own or with friends.. ...so those things dont bother me anymore and I dont need a partner for that.. I would like someone who cares and calls me and gives a rat's ass about me...

I guess its about balance and go out, stay in and have some sex.. sounds good to me...and cares and is there for me.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 2:25pm
musiclover12 wrote:

....then if I suggested something, he'd find all kinds of excuses'--it will be too hot, too crowded, we'll have to wait too long to get dinner, etc.  It got on my nerves.  I read profiles of guys who say they are basically homebodies & just like to watch TV, cuddle up w/ a glass of wine, etc.--I avoid those.  It's not like I feel like I have to be "on" every second ....

....but I can stay home & watch TV by myself--I don't need a BF to do that.  I'd like someone so I can actually go out & have fun and I don't want to have to drag the guy out of the house.

This is EXACTLY what I was trying to say and probably didn't say as eloquently lol.  I feel like I try really hard to avoid guys like this, especially when I'm using OLD and it just seems impossible.  It seems like the only options are these nice boring homebodies, adrenaline junkies I can't keep up with, or bad boys who don't want anything serious.  Again that leaves me wondering what else to do.

And no spartan I don't think my partner is supposed to be my entertainment.  And yes I am constantly entertaining myself as a single gal.  But I don't want to spend the rest of my life having all these great experiences and making wonderful memories by myself.  What's wrong with wanting a guy that wants to enjoy some of those with me?  I know too many women that are in decades long marriages where she's the social butterfly and he's the homebody and she's miserable.  He's not even willing to try to meet her in the middle.  Sure she can have fun solo, but she's madly in love with her husband and wants to share her life with him not watch him sit on his rear watching tv all the time.  That's hardly grounds for divorce, but at the same time it isn't happily ever after.  And it is my opinion that these kinds of imbalances are what lead to affairs.  I don't want to be those women.  If I can't have Mr. Social Butterfly then I'll gladly take Mr. Meets Me in the Middle. 

Oh and as for that second OLD date?  A woman dropping that many hints didn't need you to make too many moves.  Had you kissed her, she'd have done the rest lol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 11:31am

Well when you talk about being entertaining, you could be like my exH--when he was in the mood to do something, we could have a very good time, whether it be going on a vacation, going to an art museum, out to dinner, just for a ride to look around a town, etc.  But if he wasn't in the mood, then if I suggested something, he'd find all kinds of excuses'--it will be too hot, too crowded, we'll have to wait too long to get dinner, etc.  It got on my nerves.  I read profiles of guys who say they are basically homebodies & just like to watch TV, cuddle up w/ a glass of wine, etc.--I avoid those.  It's not like I feel like I have to be "on" every second (I also avoid the guys who are into 100 mile  bike rides and constant outdoor sports, cause I know I'm not that athletic) but I can stay home & watch TV by myself--I don't need a BF to do that.  I'd like someone so I can actually go out & have fun and I don't want to have to drag the guy out of the house.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 10:09am

I agree with a lot that has already been said, but wanted to add: it isn't an "either/or" proposition. There's a lot of variation between the "nice guy" and "the bad boy." And I do think "nice" often means "boring." But the opposite of boring is not "crazy/addicted/unfaithful player." 

Perhaps when a woman is really young she will fall for cheesy pick up lines, but as she ages and hopefully matures, most women are seeking a long term commitment, not a lot of excitement, drama and heartache.

A lot of it just comes down to attraction: does a woman find a man sexy? I think men tend to forget that women are very sexual too, and that attraction is very important to us. And if a woman doesn't find you sexy, it doesn't have to mean there's anything "wrong" with you or that you need to rush out to learn a bunch of pick-up lines and player moves. It just means you aren't right for each other. Attraction is mysterious: not all women are looking for the rich, good looking guys. In fact, I'm more attracted to a more quirky look than "traditional" good looks.

Another thing to keep in mind: no one can run over you if you aren't laying on the floor. Laying on the floor is not "nice"--it's codependent. 

women...still want a man with a neandethal mentality...or someone they can run over

Again, this is either/or thinking. 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 9:08am

Maybe it's not you who needs to change.  Perhaps it's the women you typically ask out.  If you enjoy quiet evenings in 4 nights out of a week, you may not want to go for the social butterfly or vice versa. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 9:03am

 

'Nice', to me, is not very attractive, often short,  timid, unsure of himself,  boring, unexciting, clueless re: how to get to/get a woman, and is painfully aware of all those things. Bad boy, to me, is someone who's tall and gorgeous and aware of the fact, confident bordering on arrogant, fantastic at all things 'women' inc how to get them into bed very quickly (and what to do with them whilst there), likes to love them and leave them and has 3 chicks phoning him at the same time -  to each of whom he says 'my beloved...today, I'm very busy with family..so won't be able to see you...but definitely at the weekend'. You get my drift.

- the last sentence is as per my darling husband when he was in his mid 20s,, stunning beyond belief (not that he still isn't) and the worst of all bad boys -

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 8:21am

If you're planning on being with someone for 30, 40, 50+ years, by golly there better be excitement.  Otherwise it's going to get really mundane after a very short period of time.  I tend to like routine and don't need a lot of drama to stay happy, but I have to have something to look forward to.  It's not that women expect men to be our entertainment.  We need for things to stay fresh and exciting to keep us interested.

 

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