aftermath of a one-night stand

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
aftermath of a one-night stand
8
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 12:07am
I'm new here, so hoping I'm in the right place. I've been married for a little over 2 years. It's been rocky the whole time, but especially in the past 6 months, and I've been debating whether to move out for a while. About 6 weeks ago I was out drowning my sorrows in drinks with a friend, and met a guy who was visiting from out of town. We started talking, drinking, doing shots, etc, and ended up having sex. Didn't exchange numbers or anything, it was just sex. I don't necessarily have a lot of guilt about it, but I still want to tell my SO because I think he deserves to know. My problem is, I don't know how to do it. I haven't done it yet because I haven't found the right moment. Also, I'm highly conflict-adverse :-P. Any advice would be appreciated- also I realize this is just the tl;dr version so feel free to ask questions. Thanks in advance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 12:38am

Hello!  Yes, this is  good place for you to discuss how you are feeling.  We actually don't get many one night stands on here.  Well, they start out that way sometimes but most people continue to see the person afterwards and it gets complicated.  I think it is  good thing you didn't exchange contact info.  That was smart!  

My question is, what do you hope to accomplish by telling your husband about the A?  Are you ready to face all possible scenarios (like him telling you to get out and never come back)?  Do you think you will have more As now that you have had one?  Is there hope for your M?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 1:27am
Ok good, I did it right :-). Although it's been hard for me to admit this to myself, deep down I want him to tell me this is a deal-breaker, because it will give me the "push" I need to break things off. Not only have I been unhappy for a long time, but I truly think there is someone else out there that will be happy with what he has to offer. He's a nice guy, cute, funny, has a great well-paying job, but he's also not an affectionate person. I am highly physical, and I thought I could sway him to my point of view, but I realize now that it's never going to get better. I can't spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage, and I know for a fact that if I try, I'll end up cheating again. Now that I know how easy it is, I feel like the figurative Pandora's Box has been opened :-P.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 8:03am

I think that's called an "exit affair," where you cheat hoping to get caught and your relationship ends, without your having to confront it directly. 

Speaking for myself, ONS with no contact info sounds like the best of all worlds if you're not ready for another relationship. Sometimes when you're exiting it's best not to attach again right away. Take  your time to figure out what you want.

Hugs, Jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 8:09am
Hi Adorx,

Don't tell him, especially for a needed push out the door. That moment is in the past and should not be used ad a tool.

Just tell him you have changed and are not happy. Why scar him for life over your indiscretion, which basically had nothing to do with him? Set him free, do it by giving him wings to fly, not breaking them.

Infidelity scars can do so much damage. It will be hard enough to have the M end and that alone will take time for him to heal from. Don't add your one night fling onto the pile.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 8:52am
What sunny said, the only thing that you will accomplish by telling him is you will be clearing your own conscience, but will be changing your H forever. Many BS's say they wish they had never known about a past affair or fling.

The truth will set you free but what will it do to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 11:31am
I have to agree with what everyone said. I had a dday that i probably could have avoided. I think deep down i was hoping it would end my M. But it didnt. You might be surprised by that. Instead about a horrible year later, tons of useless MC, we are now getting D. Waste of time and money and it has been pure agony. You will cause him serious pain. Best to be honest about the dissatisfaction i have your M itself. Would you want to stay if your H would agree to work hard to fix the problems in your M? Maybe do counseling if needed?
Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 11:31am

Welcome! 

Yes, you did the right thing by not going any further with the one night stand.  Now, it seems you have to do what is right for you.  If you trully want out of your m, then you should do the necessary things. 

I don't think you need to tell him about what you have done, unless you want to hurt him and yourself more than necessary.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 1:26pm

I just love how you word things, sunny!  Beautifully written.

Adorxious (I like your name, btw :smileyhappy: )--

I figured most people would espouse the "don't tell" path.  I chose not to tell my H, although I wanted to because I hadn't usually lied to him over the years, and I knew that keeping a big secret like that from him would really hurt him, too, if he ever found out.  But ultimately, I decided not to.  One of the reasons was that I did not want to see him going into the dating world with that insecurity and baggage if he didn't have to.  I am glad for that part, but I have found one problem with not telling him---my XH is sort of idealizing me now, remembering all the good things.  He's finding a hard time finding a new person because he is comparing the women he dates to the "good" me he remembers.  If he had known the choices I made in the last 2 years of our M, he would be more realistic today about his memory of me, and maybe it would be easier for us to sever that bond that is still between us.  That has been making me think...maybe the truth is painful, but it is the truth.  And maybe the pain is necessary to help move on sometimes.  Not sure...just my two cents.