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|Mon, 10-15-2012 - 12:30am|
I'm really proud of myself and maybe it is for kinda dumb things, but I wanted to tell somebody about it. Sometimes I'm kind of a recluse, and this week, I accepted all offers for social stuff that I was invited to. I had dinner with a friend on Tuesday, went out with other friends on Friday night, and a birthday party cookout Saturday night. That's a lot of going out for me! And on Friday, I decided to try to be more open. I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to be sexy...lol. It does not come naturally to me. I did new, complicated stuff with my hair and makeup, and wore racier clothes than I usually do. And I tried to have less closed off body language. Men responded! I know it seems silly as a grown woman to be amazed at this stuff, but I'm not used to it.
Another thing I am proud of is that I didn't let my mind get obsessed with XAP again. In the past, him dropping by would set me off, but this time, I have put it out of my head and accepted it for what it was. And maybe just to make sure I didn't let it take me down the wrong path, I threw myself into chatting with new guys this week. Usually breaks are times when XAP and I would communicate nonstop, but instead I spent time talking to single guys who are actually interested in me.
My sis and I were talking and I told her how weird it is that every time I start to get to know another guy, I feel that crazy, magnetic urge to run back to AP and leave the new guy. She said she thinks it makes sense. She said XAP is my safe guy. She asked me, "Do you think he will ever leave his W to be with you?" and I said, "No way." So she explained that because I am afraid of the work and effort a real R would take, I turn back to him because it is comfortable. It was a revelation to me. Yeah...I know it probably was obvious to everybody else, but I missed it! This is all about me being LAZY! That does make sense. I am pretty lazy. So this week I have been talking on the phone and chatting with two men who I like. No dates yet...they both are they type to take things slowly, which I also like. Every time I thought of messaging XAP about something, I messaged one of them instead. I don't know...somehow I realize it is going to take actual WORK to get into a new R. I don't think I am just going to fall into one. It's going to take an effort and uncomfortable moments and going out of my comfort zone. Am I ready for that yet? Not yet, I don't think, but I know I'm getting closer every day.