new to this site really need some advice

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
new to this site really need some advice
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 2:03am
Mu DD will be 12 in a few months and her dad and I are scared,confused and lost. She lies about everything big or little. All her friends have boyfriends we told her no and why numerous times and she is still doing it! We did the "friend" parent the strict parent the care free parent the be your self life is great parent and nothing works! Please if you have been there help me through it. At this point I feel like I should confine her to school then home to study. Im lost and scared of self esteem issues she may be going through and there are girls In her class that are pregnant!
Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 9:12am
Welcome to the board. What do you mean she has a boyfriend? Is it someone she is in school with that she sits with at lunch, has classes with? Or is she getting together with "him" after school or on the weekends? Most of the time, what we see at this age is kids seeing each other in school and calling each other their boyfriend/girlfriend, but its not serious at all. I would sit down with DH and her and set up some parameters around it, such as no one on one dating a boy outside of school, etc. Honestly, unless you are sitting there with her during the school day, you aren't going to be able to prevent her from having a "boyfriend", and prohibiting it is only going to make her lie and hide things from you more. Talk about self-esteem and self worth are important at this age, letting her know how to respect her body and enjoy activities that don't revolve around boys.

As for the lying, what sort of lieing, how do you know, etc.? I would again sit down and talk about the importance of honestly and trust, and then discipline appropriately and stick with it, for example, if she lies about doing having homework, or having it done, and then either not turning it in, getting a zero, etc., then requiring her to sit down and do it as soon as she gets home from school with your supervision may be appropriate. Or if she's lying about going somewhere after school, then the punishment would be to have her come straight home afterschool with no friend time. Making the punishment fit the crime works much more appropriately at this age. Hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 10:20am

I think the most effective parenting is in the middle--not overly strict and not overly lenient.  obviously you're not just going to let her do whatever she wants at 12 but also being one of those parents who just "forbids" things doesn't really work either.  I would think about why she lies--my former DSD lied a lot because she didn't want to ge in trouble, but it sure would have been a lot easier for her if she just did what she was supposed to do because the rules weren't anything abnormal--she just compounded getting in trouble by lying about things that could easily be found out.  My kids always felt that they could tell me things because I wouldn't "flip out" even if they told me they had done something I didn't like--I'd try to take it in w/o reacting and talk about it later.

Now as far as having a BF, she's 12--she can't go out on dates if you don't let her.  But everybody says they have a BF, which really just means at this age that they like a boy and by next week it will probably be someone different.  so don't get all worked up about her just saying she has a BF--ask her what that means to her, why she likes him, etc.  Just tell her that you think she's too young to be gonig on dates at that age, so for now they will just have to be confined to liking each other in school and at school activities or something chaperoned by you.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 2:57pm

I agree with others that you need to understand what she means by "boyfriend."  It can mean anything from "we like each other but barely talk to each other" to the beginnings of physical intimacy.  FIND OUT.

I am a little more concerned with your "putting on" of parenting styles.  Parenting is all about consistency.  If you're not consistent, then there are no boundaries.  Your parenting style should flow from you & your DH's shared values, not a "style of the moment" to see "what works."