DF still concerned with ex wife's feelings regarding our relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2012
DF still concerned with ex wife's feelings regarding our relationship
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 9:43am

Hi all!

I've posted before and I think I mentioned this before, but I need some advice. My DF has been divorced 4 years. He lives 2 streets away from xW and used to spend a lot of time there doing little tasks for her until I put an end to that (not completely mind you).

 When we met in April 2011, they still were doing all holidays together and church on Sunday as a family. I put an end to all of that as well. He also had numerous pictures of her throughout his house and office and after many many months of my persistance, he finally got rid of the pictures in his office at work (the one's at the house were gone first.) He kept telling me that the pictures were in the house because they are of "his sons mother" and didn't see a problem with them. I said, "put them in the kid's room then." Finally he did.

At the office, he said it was silly of me to come in and scope the place out for pictures of here. Everytime I walked in, I was uncomfortable. He had a mouse pad of she and his sons when they were little that he refused to give up and said I was shallow because it bothered me. I copied pics of the boys when they were babies, had a mouse pad made, and let him know he could replace the one with her on it. (Why he doesn't understand that I felt disregarded is beyond me.)

Also, he still feels it ok to go over to XW house and do homework with DS etc. Finally, after I gave him an example of her having a SO and him not being ok with DF  being over there all the time, I think he got the picture that it is inappropriate.

There have been occasions when XW calls and says DS's are fighting and he needs to rush over and save the day. Well, I have been left alone at his house while he runs to fix things at XW house. The last time this happened, by the time he got there, boys were done fighting. DSS 14, DSS 12 btw. I blew a gasket and said I had had it with him leaving me to go save her and that it's ridiculous.

Also, she manages to call and text every weekend we are together and call him when we are on vacation for silly things like "DS won't go to dinner with me." , "DS won't take his shoes off" etc. These kids are teenagers!! I can't even count the amount of times that she has interrupted a nice vacation or evening.

So, last night, I was at his home and he was taking DSS's back to XW house. I said, "I''ll go with you," "Why would you do that?" he said. When he got back, I blew up and said I would never take a backseat and that it is total BS that after a year and a half, he is afraid to let me be anywhere near her. She still loves him and he said it would be best if she met me after she is in a relationship. REALLY???

I said again that it is complete disregard for me to leave me home alone while he scoots over to her house. He said he didn't want me there in case he had to discuss things with her. Am I crazy, or do divorced people move on and act like adults? He said that I should respect his wishes that he doesnt want me there and I told him that if he leaves me again, I won't be there when he gets back. He kept saying "why do you need to be there"? I said, "why not?" I think that's the most important question. I told him he is more concerned with her feelings than mine and how can he marry me when he's still not emotionally divorced from the first marriage?

Incidentally, he has introduced himself to my XH and all is fine there.

Am I being petty? Thanks all! 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012

Hey Peace!

Sending lots of love your way because I know pretty much how you feel. My DF and I, his ex W (finally it is official she is an ex and not a soon-to-be-ex!) and his mother live give and take an hour apart from each other. DF was also initially into the have-to-go-over-to-save-the-day mode because his DS is still a toddler. He'd be over at his ex's house almost every evening after work because his son had some issues with biting and hitting him. So he wanted to 'bond' with his DS.

When it became clear that the issue with DSS was just a passing phase, I made it clear to him that HE was the one who chose to divorce her and then HE was the one who proposed to me. There was no back handed tactic, I did not force his arm to come and be with me so I should not be treated like some second fiddle.

And I didn't care what his exW thought about me dropping by when she called to say there was an emergency over there. If he goes, I am going too. I am invested in the well being of my DSS as much as they are in their DS. As for now I think she gets the hint because the emergency calls have dwindled to nothing.

Now that you have made your DF see the light about letting you come along the next time he goes, I'm sure it'll be a matter of time before his exW stops calling him over for 'emergencies'.

I mean, c'mon its not as if parental duties are not shared.

I wish you all the best and do update us if there's any progress or otherwise.