3 birthdays through this and still not over

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
3 birthdays through this and still not over
7
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 10:48am

Tomorrow I turn 37. This will be my 3rd birthday celebrated while "going through" a divorce. I remember turning 35, just 2 months after filing. I had no idea how things would play out. We had no debt, owned our home outright. No car payments. When I turned 36 I thought for sure things would be resolved in another year's time. I was wrong. Now I am 37, with about 50K in debt, and still married...

My wish for this year is that things will resolve and that I will be okay no matter the outcome. I hope for a home so that my children and I are no longer renting in an apartment we can't afford. I hope things are done so that I can move on, and that my new relationship can progress. I have a great guy now, but he is datiing a still married woman-me,- albeit seperated for 3 years.

I also will try to focus on the few positives. Like my health improving. My children are healthy, and doing well despite it all and are with me most of the time now. My pets, and my great guy. The good is what keeps me sane

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 11:48am

Happy birthday--I do really hope this is the year for you to resolve all these problems & that your ex gets what is coming to him for being such a jerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 1:28pm
Happy Birthday! I really hope your birthday wishes come true!

Your story is gut check for me - I could have the same story 3 years from now with the way my H is acting. I just filed but I can imagine this might drag out for a long time for me. Why have things taken so long?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 10:05am

Thank you ladies :)

stronger- I think it's a combination of things that made this drag out. The first mistake I made was being naive. I left the home nearly 3 yrs ago because me ex was unemployed, and doing nothing while I worked 3 jobs. I asked him to move in with his brother for a while, who lives in our development. He wouldn't. I found a rental 4 blocks away, and put the deposit. I thought that this would force him to find a job, and pay his own way. We had no mortgage on our home, but there were still utilities, etc. The day I signed the rental lease, unknown to me he filed for divorce, closed all the bank accounts, and took all the money, changed the home locks. 

After that point, even though he filed, he has delayed the process by not submitting documents. He did get a job (the week he filed) Funny, because why couldn't he while married? He has been requested 8 times to submit proof of earnings. He doesn't file taxes, works as a subcontractor... He has not submitted anything asked for, and the courts where we filed don't seem to enforce anything. He was asked 4 times whether or not he'd like to stay in the home, and buy me out. He has refused to put anything in writing. The judge took that option away finally, a year ago and ordered the home sold but allowed him to stay there free. She threatened to put him in jail if he didn't cooperate with the sale. He did not. Infact he changed locks on the realtor. When we took him to court for this the judge gave him another warning. He has been a bit more compliant with the selling since, but still trashing the home. The value has gone down significantly. The last thing he did was refuse an offer last week we had, causing the buyer to walk.

So for me, I think it's a combo of being married to a spoiled brat who saw me as only his meal ticket- and when that was gone has wanted to punish me. I started dating a short time after I was served, partly because I was angry at him that he didn't even want to try and fix things. He was dating too, but all of his relationships have failed, and since I am still in mine I think he is bitter about that. He wanted to ruin me, see me homeless but my boyfriend has stood by me, and won't let that happen to me and the kids. The other factor is the courts here. We have only been to court 3 times. Once for a failed mediation, and the other 2 regarding the home. Still no closer to a trial date.

I'd advise you to make sure he can't access any joint funds- get them frozen! Or take them yourself anf transfer to a new account. You won't get in trouble for it if you don't use them. Keep all documents, and write down everything. In my case it doesn't matter, because the judge won't hear any of it, your's might. Go and file a temporary parenting plan if you have children, because what you do now is likely to be how it stays. Make sure you have a vehicle regeisterd in your name. Make sure all credit cards, and loans can be accessed by you. My case is the extreme. And don't leave your home if you are counting on it's value. I lived with hm seperated for months- I know it sucks, but I wish I did longer. Everyone tells me they have never heard of someone getting away with this much. I'm sure you will be okay in the end, as will I someday.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 4:51pm

That makes me want to cry!  My H is the same way.  He is completely spoiled, selfish, and controlling.  I can see him doing the same things to drag all this out as long as possible.  He has nothing to lose - his credit already sucks, he has no money, he has no savings, he has no family and only 1 or 2 friends.  I am taking steps to close all our joint accounts so he can't take money or run up huge charges but he is already dragging his feet about selling the house. 

I hope you get your situation resolved sometime soon!  I wish I could say karma is a b!tch but I'm not certain about that anymore either after reading the thread on it.  It seems like we are all getting the raw end of things around here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 4:51pm

That makes me want to cry!  My H is the same way.  He is completely spoiled, selfish, and controlling.  I can see him doing the same things to drag all this out as long as possible.  He has nothing to lose - his credit already sucks, he has no money, he has no savings, he has no family and only 1 or 2 friends.  I am taking steps to close all our joint accounts so he can't take money or run up huge charges but he is already dragging his feet about selling the house. 

I hope you get your situation resolved sometime soon!  I wish I could say karma is a b!tch but I'm not certain about that anymore either after reading the thread on it.  It seems like we are all getting the raw end of things around here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 12:50pm

I'm so sorry you are STILL dealing with this idiot and his continued abuse.  I'm sure he is mad that his free ride is over, but exacting his revenge for this long is really extreme.  You'd think he'd understand that selling the house fast and getting the divorce over with would be the best thing for BOTH of you financially, not to mention best for your children.  How does he expect you to take care of them, anyway?  I will never understand how any judge could sit back and allow a divorcing spouse to hurt his/her children this way.  I don't know if it would do you any good, but maybe you could sit down and write the judge a letter explaining how his refusal to cooperate is damaging the lives of your children, forcing her to focus on something other than your ex's sad face?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 4:57pm

Is that possible to write the judge a letter? I would if I could. I wish there were some way for this judge to know what's really going on. Every night I pray that the truth be known.

I keep getting the short end of the stick. In September I finally received my $5000 in back child support that they took from his taxes. Unfortunatly, he submitted some stuff, and now I owe child support $3500 back. I don't have this money anymore! In almost 3 years I have recieved only 3 child support payments before the 5000 one. Yet he got $3600 back in taxes this year, grrrr.

Right now I am looking at homes, trying to move on. It amazes me how humble I've become through all this & that is something I am grateful for. I went from a brand new 3000sf home with a pool on a cul de sac in a preferred community. I am looking at foreclosures, around 1300sf, that are about 20-30 yrs old. I will be so happy to be in my little old charming house one day. The reason I still am looking at homes while he hasn't done anything is because it's healthy. My kids got to go yesterday for the first time, and they loved it. Plus, my attorney said that if I find something I like I should make an offer. Then we can request him to buy me out immediatly so that I have funds to back up my offer. If he doesn't it's just one more thing to present to the judge.