Teenage Son, Dad Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Teenage Son, Dad Issues
4
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 12:11am

I have a soon to be 15 year old & of course it's proving to be quite challenging. I suppose the most challenging part is that there isn't a rule book other than to go by how you were raised and what you experienced. I am not a delusional parent. I know that my son has had sex and experimented with drugs (marijuana). I am not scared of marijuana & have known many smokers in life, including my own mother. Though I am personally not one, I think it should be legal, but this doesn't mean I want my teen using it on a regular basis.

I know that it seems that every word out of his mouth these days seem to be lies or some type of manipulation to get what he wants. I know that he is not in the minority. However, it is quite a challenge in finding the line between establishing boundaries, keeping him safe while at the same time not locking him up and throwing away the key til he's 18. Where is that book that tells you what freedom to give and at what age?! While I did choose to write this under the "troubled teen" category, I question it's authenticity b/c I am one who believes that many of the lines that my son has crossed are an essential part to him growing up. However, I do know that highschool has been a major factor in many of his behaviors - b/c let's face it, they don't drug test the basketball team or have in school daycare for nothing these days. Teens are doing drugs and having sex. For those who have "children" who have no interest in these extracurriculars, I am jealous. We are planning a move, which I think will possibly be beneficial in some ways, however b/c both his dad & I work jobs, though home schooling would be ideal, it isn't really an option.

Another part of our son's issues is the fact that his father & I are on different pages as far as parenting & communication is lacking. While our bottom line is basically the same, our ways in which we achieve it are totally different. I have had to teach our son to cook (which he still doesn't show initiative towards), wash clothes & even buy him shaving stuff b/c his dad hasn't taught him how to do any of it....I suppose if he doesn't he doesn't have to face the fact that he's growing up. I refer to him as a "man-child", b/c that's exactly what he is. If it confuses the h*ll out of me, I know it does him. If his dad had it his way, he would lock him up til he was 18 (he thinks me letting him spend the night w/a friend is the end of the world - our son has spent the night w/friends less than 5 nights his whole life). He gets extremely upset & angry w/our son (he tells me that "this is parenting", which I assume b/c I don't act crazy, rant & rave, I'm not doing a good job of it), while I take a more laid back approach, though I do indeed have parenting skills. His last rant & rave was that he lost a text book that we will have to pay $70 for & that he made an F on his report card due to "sleeping in class". Do these issues need to be addressed, yes, but are they the end of the world? No.

I'm pretty sure one of my downfalls is that I did not have hovering parent's growing up. By the time I was his age I was pretty much self-sufficient & while I did answer as far as where I was going etc., I was given a lot of freedom. I did experiment w/drugs, alcohol & sex - I did make mistakes which were sometimes very costly, but I did maintain good grades, graduated from HS & went to college etc. I didn't end up on a street corner prostituting myself for drugs. I think mostly the people that do, are the ones who had no parents at all who cared, or ones that cared too much. Because of those years of learning about myself & about life, I think I did get a greater sense of self and was able to make wiser decisions as I got older. I know that I would like for our son to wait until college to get all of this out of his system, I wonder if it's really realistic? I do know that I have made it clear that I will do random drug testing & his freedom will be limited until there is at least -more- trust there (I doubt I will ever fully trust him at this point in life), but I am unsure if being the raging/crazy "parent" is the answer. I definitely know that I don't agree with his dad's approach of thinking that locking him in his room until he's 18 is the best thing for him. He accuses me of "being his friend" rather than his parent...while he can't even communicate with him about anything...meaning they really don't even have a relationship. Sometimes I think it's his dad's overbearingness and their lack of connection that contributes to his immaturity and poor decisions..tho I don't openly blame or blame him. Not to mention, his decisions when he was that age weren't any better. And isn't it the kids that go to college and die of alcohol poisioning b/c they were too sheltered and went out into the real world & lost their minds?! You can't just unleash a tamed animal out into the wild & expect them to survive Undecided Hmmmm. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 7:47pm

I think it's really hard to know where to draw the line between not enough freedom/letting kids make their own mistakes and giving them too much freedom.  I also think it's harder when the parents don't even agree on what to do.  I'm divorced and the primary custodial parent but my ex is very involved too.  I'd say I made the day to day decisions but I don't think we are that far apart on things, except that our personalities are different.  The kids would tend to tell me stuff first cause they know I won't have a fit where maybe their dad would fly off the handle--at first, but then he would calm down.  So I think there is something to being calm & not ranting & raving--the kids will tend to talk to you more.

I don't think losing a book and getting one F (assuming other grades were ok) are "the end of the world" as you put it but if that was my kid I'd make sure there were consequences--if he lost the book then I think he should be responsible for paying for it.  And sleeping in class?  Was this the first class of the day that occurred at 7:30 am?  Do you think a lot of kids who are sleeping in class might be doing it because they take drugs?  What's the consequence for that one?  Does he have to go to summer school?

I think you are probably exaggerating when you say that your DH wants to "lock up" your son until he's 18--I assume you mean that he wants to give him less freedom.  In one way I give my kids a lot of freedom--well I have a 24 yr old so obviously she's grown, but this is back to when she was in high school, and then I have a 17 yr old in 11th grade.  As long as my son (17) tells me where he's going and when he'll be back (and legally he can't drive past 12:30 anyway) I let him go--I'm not the type to check up on him all the time, but then again, he's never given me any reason to.  He's in the top 10% of his class, he also has a part time job and I haven't caught him doing anything bad, so I have reason to give him a lot of freedom.  If he was irresponsible, then I'd probably crack down a lot more.  Drugs are something that I would really have no tolerance for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 7:56pm

It's not clear from your post whether you want advice or sympathy. You do sound very defensive about your parenting choices, so it is clear that what you don't want is judgment!

The good news is that your son is not even 15, so you have time with him before he goes out into the world on his own. And while there is no rule book, you do have instincts and reason and reading to guide what you do with him. You don't have to just let his life unfold. What he is doing may be common, but it is not a necessary part of development. There are plenty of kids this age who have sex and plenty who use pot, but there are also plenty who don't do either of these things. And their parents aren't special, either.

Obviously, you are worried, as you should be. If I were in your situation, the first thing I'd do is get on the same page as my husband about how to address this. Go talk to a counselor if you can, but do whatever you have to do to be a unified front. This is good for your marriage, and it is good for discipline. Kids know when their parents don't agree and when they are ambivalent, and you are.

And it doesn't matter whether you think pot should be legalized. Right now, it isn't legal in any state for minors to smoke it, so  you should be clear that your family will respect the law. Period. When he's an adult and has shown some responsibility, then maybe you can work together to change a law that you think is stupid, but in the meantime, he has to obey the laws that exist now. He needs structure and clear guidelines, not ambivalence. So when you discuss this issue, tell him that you expect him to obey the law and that you will not be bailing him out of any consequences that arise from not obeying it.

And as far as freedom goes, he has to earn it. Most of the good parents I know gradually give it to their kids, then pull it back if they do something stupid, making it clear what they must do to earn it again. All kids need clear guidelines on regaining privileges they've lost through bad decisions. But no kid should be able to simply retain privileges by giving empty promises. So set markers that he can meet that will indicate to you he's matured.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 12:28pm

I will agree with the others that its really important for the parents to present a united front, regardless of whether you actually agree behind the scenes. Because there's no how-to manual raising a teen can be extremely labor intensive. My dh and I spent hours in private discussing the problems we had with our dd, exploring various scenarios, to come to agreement on how to handle things. Sometimes decisions need to be made quickly without finding a consensus, so there also needs to be a basic respect for the other's POV. There also needs to be an understanding that the teen may do things that defy common sense so the parents have to accept that despite their best efforts things will happen, and not blame each other. If it requires counseling to learn how to work together better then get your dh to accompany you. Even if he won't go you could benefit.

On the pot smoking: like Ashmama said, its not legal. IMO your stance should be that it won't be tolerated. When your ds is an adult and making good judgements for himself you can share your opinions on pot use, but for now he doesn't need drugs complicating his life. Plus, if he gets busted it will be the parents' expensive problem to solve.

Your ds needs to know that the lies and manipulation will not get him what he wants, it will just erode trust. And for a teen trust equals freedom. I agree that right now your ds' behavior probably is not serious enough to call him a TT but that line can be crossed easily so you need to remain vigilant. Parenting a teen can be a really hard job.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 06-07-2013 - 9:59am

I'm going to agree 100% with what Ashmama and elc11 have said. 

There is a world of difference between helicopter parenting and helping kids learn to make smart decisions in life.  Helicopter parents are the ones who make the decisions for their kids; wise parents help them learn to make them themselves.  They teach them what the natural consequences are - e.g. the natural consequence of getting high is not being able to do your schoolwork, and the natural consequence of not doing your schoolwork is getting bad grades, and the natural consequence of getting bad grades is not getting into a good college, and the natural consequence of *that* is not getting a quality education, meeting quality people, and getting a good start in life.

There is no reason to think that your son will magically wise up at age 21 if he's been given little guidance and allowed to smoke pot (which carries legal consequences as well as natural consequences) and have sex at age 14.  Why will he make good choices then, strictly on the basis of having made poor choices prior to that?  How is he going to learn to discern the best course of action if he doesn't get guidance?

Guidance doesn't mean screaming and raging.  The only examples of parenting in your post have been laissez-faire and "lock him up"!  Most of the good, successful, hard-working kids I know have parents they are close to who have advised them along the way and with whom they are very close.

I had a long talk last night with my 13yo who once again is not handing in his homework and expecting his teachers to hand him things on a platter.  There was no yelling involved.  Instead we talked about how he feels about himself and about our natural talents, and how the role of parents is to help their children become the people they are meant to be (not what *we* want them to be).  I asked him what he thought my talents were, and he said, "You're good at taking on a lot of responsibility, and working hard, and you love your family."  He thinks loving my family is a talent! - even as we were having a hard discussion about his own need to take on responsibility for himself.  So, yes, you can be a very involved parent who helps their kid make good choices without being a helicopter and without screaming and raging.

There is no book unfortunately on how much freedom to give a kid.  My oldest, now 21, got certain kinds of freedom in HS and generally made good decisions (and he still calls us to ask for input on thorny ethical issues or major decisions).  My DD, who is 18, got tons of freedom early on because she turned out to be freakishly responsible and hard-working.  She is hardly "sheltered," even though she's a classic "goody two-shoes" - she knows what the choices are in life, and she's purposefully chosen the "good" ones.  I already know that she won't go to college to get drunk & stupid, because she's already busy online making buddies with her new dormmates in a dorm that specializes in service learning.  13yo DS OTOH gets very little freedom because he repeatedly demonstrates that he doesn't know how to use it.  He knows that he will *earn* the freedom to be left alone for an hour or two, he will earn the freedom to have unfettered internet access someday, he will earn the freedom to have a Facebook account that I don't have to monitor daily - but that is going to take time.  We will give him opportuntiies to earn more independence, and if he is smart about them, he'll get there.

I agree with the others also that you have to find a way to be on the same parenting page as your son's father (since you keep referring to him as "his father" and not "my husband," I'm assuming you're divorced or otherwise living apart).  You two have a job to do together.  It's only going to get harder if you take opposite stances on what is appropriate parenting.  Teenagers are much harder to parent than small children - well, you already know that!