Need advice on 15yr old DS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Need advice on 15yr old DS
5
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 9:58am

Sorry this posted twice for some reason. See other post.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 2:23pm

He sure isn't buying his pot online, so I would be controlling where he goes, and with whom.  I would search him, and his room, on an ongoing basis.  How are his grades?  If there are other red flags, it is likely he has ADD or some other disorder.  Many kids into pot are self medicating.  A full psych workup, and some serious counseling for ALL of you, is in order. 

Our kids are now ADDults.  They did not have illegal drug issues.  They didn't even DRINK till they were 21.  But they were in therapy, and on prescription meds since they were 12.  A counselor once told us, "Not everyone who smokes pot goes on to harder drugs.  but EVERYONE who does hard drugs, began with pot."   Past time to find out exactly is going on, and get it under control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 4:14pm

Hi and welcome to the board. Parenting teens sure isn't for the faint of heart, is it? You're right in the fact that whether or not pot should or shouldn't be legalized (and I do think it should be) - he's underage so it's a moot point. As it is for cigarette smoking. Our older ds went through a real rebellious phase his senior year of high school - he didn't turn 18 until after he graduated. Drinking, smoking (both cigs and pot), snuck out a few times. We were beside ourselves. We tried the long heart to hearts, taking away the car, etc. Poor kid spent half of his senior year grounded. During that whole time he remained very involved in concert band/jazz band/marching band, earned his 2nd black belt at the school's martial arts club, had a solo part in the school play, and graduated 2nd in his class of about 200 kids. He did come to us in April of his senior year and apologize for all he'd put us through. He's now 26, graduated summa cum laude from Northwestern University in 2010 and is a productive member of society working full time and self supporting ;)

Hopefully your ds is just going through a 'phase', too. That's not to say you should just throw up your hands and say 'kids will be kids' - just wanted to let you know that not all kids that wander off the path are doomed. If he's unwilling to follow your basic rule of no illegal activity in your home then absolutely he needs to be reigned in. Paypal certainly isn't a necessity nor is his cell phone, a computer in his room, etc. Also his unsupervised time should be limited. He's proven several times over that he's not mature enough at this point to make wise decisions. Is he back up in the guest room next to yours? If that seemed to help you may want to move him back up there as opposed to taking the door off his bedroom in the other part of the house.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 6:37pm

Gentle hugs and welcome to our corner of the village.

I have NO direct BTDT experience as a parent.  Nor as a teen, as my drug of choice was the screwdriver, while hubby’s choice came in aluminum cans and kegs. These are not good or wise choices either.  When I got pregnant, I had to stop and hubby did so to support me in that effort. We were 25 and 26 when the girls were born and about that time we reduced our use to social occasions.    

Both of our SILs had some serious substance abuse issues in their families, which they did not care to repeat, so they were a good influence on our daughters (and the old man and me, as we no longer drink.)

Hubby and I are the youngest of our generation of cousins, with our two daughters, soon to be 21 and 22, being the youngest of their generation of cousins on both sides of the family. Sadly many of those second cousins of our daughters have been through the ringer with meth, etcetera. 

Having said all this, unlike you, your son does not understand (or care to acknowledge) that Marijuana is a gateway or entry drug into the harder drugs like meth, crack, cocaine, heroin, etcetera. At some point pot heads often go for a little more of a bang and end up hooked, like the second cousins of our daughters described above. 

Back when our daughter were like 11 and 12, we turned over a chunk of family money to them to manage and buy their cloths, incidentals, like hair care, makeup, entertainment, like movies, six flags, waterpark, school lunches, and allowance for doing chores around the house.  This was done with the conditions that they not dress like homeless people, strippers and hookers, account for every dime, and hubby and I would have veto over any large items.  The reason for the accounting of where the money went was to make sure the money did not go into a bong, glass pipe, nose straw, or needle. (As a side point, they got real careful about where they spent “there money.”) And earned money from birthdays, doing lawns, or babysitting also had to be accounted for. (This may be the reason that they majored in Accounting.)

My approach to your son’s situation would have been to cut off the sources of funds which tend to diminish the ability to procure recreational consumables like cigarettes of any type and marijuana for the bong. This would include NO walking around money for anything and sack lunches from home or nothing between breakfast and supper. Drug users will use the cash or trade the meal tickets of money to buy drugs.  

No more cell phone or internet usage either. Also no car or use of the family car for a pot head.  Your prom date can pick you up.  That is if you can find one willing to date a pot head.     

Where I work, the company allows some parents to take lunch late, pick up their problem high school kid from school at 2:10 PM and the kid to sit in the lunch room and do homework. This is an accommodation for the parents who both have to work to keep food on the table, the rent paid, etcetera. Obviously, this is conditioned upon the kid not creating problems of any type.

One of the things that the parents of the meth using cousins had to deal with was that the kid would sell their belongings for drugs or exchange them for drugs.  So beware of lost or missing items of value, like phones, computers, expensive jewelry, Rolex watches, silver silverware, coin collections, etcetera. This theft even extended to the homes of other family members and homes around the neighborhood.   (As a side point, if things are disappearing from your home it may be his associates who are taking them.)

I would also be looking at his friends and associates.  Are they also using marijuana, could they be a dealer selling it to your son, or could your son be dealing it to procure it for himself?  My point here and in the theft paragraph above is that cutting off funds may not be enough to stop things.

No going off with friends on Friday or Saturday evening. 

Consider a girlfriend as a possible coconspirator to his pot use.  May or may not be true of her.      

(As a side point, even old dumb me can usually spot someone high on substances, whether it be alcohol, pot, meth, or whatever. So call that to his attention when you spot it.  And I would be searching his belongings for a stash on a regular basis.  If you find it flush it and notate it to him. I would probably say something like, “Say dude that hash gave me a real rush as I watched it circling around the toilet bowl.”)   

When I talked to the kid, I would also make it clear that the “parental scholarship plan” ends at the end of his senior year of high school, if he is using pot. That means if you’re using pot, ninety days after the graduation of your senior class, with or without you being among them, you find elsewhere to live. I would make it very clear that I was not funding a college education for a pot head who would not study. I love you, but I would prefer to toast my buns on a beach in Hawaii than support a pot or meth habit.  And honey to be honest we don’t care to live with a pot head and the turmoil that comes with it.  (As a side point, you and hubby might never intend to pull this trigger, but he should be left to fear it. The more he fears it, the more likely he is to back off.)

And yes I would move him back to the guest room and take the door off if I felt it to be necessary or helpful. And I would do anything else that i or somebody else could think of. 

I know this all seems harsh, but it was his choice to bring it down on himself.

The above ladies are spot on and not all pot heads continue or go on to use hard drugs.  You want your son to be in this group, not the group that my cousin’s kids belong too.  Being strict may keep him from that bad group.  It won’t drive him into it.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 9:31pm

I did want to reiterate that this issue with your son is one aspect of a very serious problem.  As Pam  (JJs) points out, many kids blow a little pot, and don't become degenerates.  HOWEVER, those kids RARELY blow it in the house, under their parent's noses, REPEATEDLY, while basically telling their parents to bugger off.  Your kid has no respect for his parents, his siblings, or the rules of the house.  He also has no fear of consequenses.  Just because he is not punching holes in the wall, does NOT mean he is good kid.  If he disobeys you with impunity, and breaks the law without remorse, he is  --by definition-- out of control.  Kimmy's consequenses would be the LEAST of the things I would initiate, and once again I suggest that you ALL get counseling, and parenting instruction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 9:59pm

Take heart as a few rough years do not stop things from coming out very well.  Yes, as parents we do get embarrassed by what our teens do from time to time.  However, I know lousy parents with wonderful adult children and I know excellent parents with lousy adult children.

There are also many parents whose child died young, who would love to have a pot head in the house to deal with instead of a headstone to visit out at the local cemetery. 

Picking up where I and the other ladies left off above, I would impress upon his young skull that he can have happy high school years of we can all have a long rough journey through ulcer gulch.  And that is your choice sonny boy. 

We found out that depravation of privileges was a very effective tool in disciplining the girls.  I have had other parents express the same results.  The more pain you inflict on his “lifestyle” the more likely he is to see the light and change his behavior.

If I felt it necessary, I would move the kid’s bed into our master bedroom; put a buzzer on the door to wake me or hubby up if it opens after lights out, and put locking locks on his bedroom and the guest bedroom.  By the way son, please put the toilet seat down in the master bath after you use it. 

If I had to, I would hire a retired person or a college student to pick up sonny boy from high school and stay with him until I and hubby could get home from work. (The money to pay for this comes from the savings of not having to buy car insurance and the reduced cost of him going to local colleges (discussed below).  If money is an issue, the vacations may be shorter and the cable TV and Internet will have to be dropped.  If you are a stay at home mom then it cost nothing for you to pick him up.)

Also, sonny boy, the next time you have a positive drug test, we will inform your team(s) that you no longer have parental permission to play the sport(s) you love.

Unless your behavior changes sonny, after you graduate from high school, you will be attending local community college and local state university.

(As a side point, there are lots of college students that would do better by not going off to big state university or big private university.  These universities may not be in the best interest of a student with issues like your son.  Many students are not ready for the freedom and temptations that exist there. Your goal is to keep him from those temptations until he gets old enough to wise up. So why send him to a place with close to ZERO adult supervision and drug dealers living in the dorms?)