Why was it okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2010
Why was it okay?
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 3:28pm

Why was it okay for you to disrespect me? Why was it okay to take advantage of my wife's insecurities for your own personal validation?

For the record and regardless of how you feel, you never had any power over me. I am stronger than you in spirit and character.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2014
Sat, 02-15-2014 - 11:05am
"A cheater." How easy to say that. What if the "victim" has all the money, all the say, and is not about to admit wrong? And what if the "victim" arranges everything so that the spouse has nothing to say about how anything is run? What if the victim makes the spouse depressed, lonely, and isolated always, and furthermore, if the victim constantly shouts, threatens, and ignores? And if the poor victim flirts and tries to get all the attention all the time whenever they're in public? This is the situation of many a cheating spouse...
Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 8:25pm
None of it was okay, the whole a!!! It was full of deceits and cheating and pure disrespect. I don't mean to sound harsh, and two people are in an a. They are both to be held accountable, but your wife is who you should be concerned with. There may be a reason she did what she did, right or wrong. You both need to work on that so that you can all move on.


Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 3:55pm
I'm glad my message helped you. Your message helps me as well - and hopefully others - as I can see/feel the pain I caused in my A.

On behalf of WSs, I'm so sorry.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Re: Why was it okay?
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 5:49pm


I know it has been some time since you wrote this response, but I just wanted to thank you for it. It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the idea that my spouse wasn’t thinking of me or the kids during the affair. It would seem crazy to even consider this answer when I was really hurting and could not stop asking my spouse “why?” and all she did was shrug or blame me for the A, but I think all betrayed spouses should pay close attention to what you are trying to say. It can be a significant landmark in the BS’s process in healing to wrap one’s mind around what you are saying. It was for me. Thanks for articulating it so well.  

Maybe to put things into context within my own story, beginning on D-day, I tracked down all the guys; I contacted all of them personally, I asked them to explain themselves, and I punished them all in varying degrees. I made sure all their spouses were informed. I actually contacted some of their clergy. I drew a line in the sand in what I expected of them, both in regards to my spouse, and with their spouses and pushed them and pushed them and pushed them. I was really wound up, and took their involvement with my spouse all very personally.  I was going to save the world from these bad men as my life was consumed with hurt and hate.  

Why am I sharing the above? Wrapping my mind around the idea that myself, or my kids, were never really considered in the affairs was really hard work. I took the A as a personal assault by these “worldly men” on my little family. It became a significant a-ha moment to allow myself to understand that the OM could be just as lost as my spouse and that they may have just stumble into that relationship and felt guilt about it afterwards. I also came to realize that I could in-fact conceive of forgiveness for folks being human. What you wrote reflects a great deal of what I came to understand, and became another step in my path to personal healing and also letting the other men go. 




We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 11:02am

I think dday3 long fell off this thread, but I thought I'd offer some perspective as I see it's been bumped recently.

I have always posted as a WS, but having had an A with a MW, obviously there was a BS H, making me the OM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2011
Sun, 01-15-2012 - 11:08am

It's not okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2012
Sat, 01-14-2012 - 4:15pm
Wow your post blew me away, ddays3. You could be my husband with what you just said.
I'm sorry for you. I hope you do know it was not about you but about her and a hole in herself. She is lucky to have/ have had you.
"No one can make you feel lnferior with out your consent" ~Eleanor Roosevelt
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 5:52pm

It was NOT ok. That is why it was a secret. People hide shameful things.

You did not deserve to be disrespected and I am sorry you were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 10-07-2010 - 11:22pm

you are paying it forward by taking the time to respond to postings such as these please know that.

i am sure, for many bs reading your response it is helpful to read someone elses heart felt thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
In reply to: ddays3
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 12:11am

It wasn't ok, that is my answer in hindsight. I felt ok at the time, because I justified it to be so for many reasons that I won't mention here because they don't matter to anyone now, including me anymore!!