Why was it okay?
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Why was it okay?
| Tue, 07-27-2010 - 3:28pm |
Why was it okay for you to disrespect me? Why was it okay to take advantage of my wife's insecurities for your own personal validation?
For the record and regardless of how you feel, you never had any power over me. I am stronger than you in spirit and character.
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On behalf of WSs, I'm so sorry.
mmwillwithheragain,
I know it has been some time since you wrote this response, but I just wanted to thank you for it. It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the idea that my spouse wasn’t thinking of me or the kids during the affair. It would seem crazy to even consider this answer when I was really hurting and could not stop asking my spouse “why?” and all she did was shrug or blame me for the A, but I think all betrayed spouses should pay close attention to what you are trying to say. It can be a significant landmark in the BS’s process in healing to wrap one’s mind around what you are saying. It was for me. Thanks for articulating it so well.
Maybe to put things into context within my own story, beginning on D-day, I tracked down all the guys; I contacted all of them personally, I asked them to explain themselves, and I punished them all in varying degrees. I made sure all their spouses were informed. I actually contacted some of their clergy. I drew a line in the sand in what I expected of them, both in regards to my spouse, and with their spouses and pushed them and pushed them and pushed them. I was really wound up, and took their involvement with my spouse all very personally. I was going to save the world from these bad men as my life was consumed with hurt and hate.
Why am I sharing the above? Wrapping my mind around the idea that myself, or my kids, were never really considered in the affairs was really hard work. I took the A as a personal assault by these “worldly men” on my little family. It became a significant a-ha moment to allow myself to understand that the OM could be just as lost as my spouse and that they may have just stumble into that relationship and felt guilt about it afterwards. I also came to realize that I could in-fact conceive of forgiveness for folks being human. What you wrote reflects a great deal of what I came to understand, and became another step in my path to personal healing and also letting the other men go.
best
Tom
Thomas
We have five kids. Our D-Day was August, 2008.
I think dday3 long fell off this thread, but I thought I'd offer some perspective as I see it's been bumped recently.
I have always posted as a WS, but having had an A with a MW, obviously there was a BS H, making me the OM.
It's not okay.
I'm sorry for you. I hope you do know it was not about you but about her and a hole in herself. She is lucky to have/ have had you.
It was NOT ok. That is why it was a secret. People hide shameful things.
You did not deserve to be disrespected and I am sorry you were.
you are paying it forward by taking the time to respond to postings such as these please know that.
i am sure, for many bs reading your response it is helpful to read someone elses heart felt thoughts.
It wasn't ok, that is my answer in hindsight. I felt ok at the time, because I justified it to be so for many reasons that I won't mention here because they don't matter to anyone now, including me anymore!!
I'm not saying what I am doing is right or justified, or sustainable.
Malia
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