Simply babbling

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Simply babbling
14
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:40am

You know that feeling when you have children, when you look at them and imagine all the joys that they will bring to you and your family.


We all wish the best for our kids and simply want them to grow into productive people. But because we are a selfish kind, as they get older you start thinking about what their wedding will be like, the thought of grandkids, how great the holidays will be with everyone at home celebrating, etc.


At the end of 2004 while DH was deployed I started having trouble with DD, she just became angry and withdrawn, by the middle of 2005 I was called to the school because she needed medical care. Come to find out DD had become a cutter and had cut too deeply this time. She started going to counceling but that just didn't seem to do a lot of good. After the deployment DH was stationed here at Ft. Benning where we arrived in June of last year. DD seemed to get a bit better with the change and her cutting had stopped for a while.


At the beginning of May, DD attempted suicide and was in ICU. By the grace of God she survived and has been in counceling and started medication for Bipolar. We have learned that the reason behind everything was her pain and self loathing because she's gay and didn't want her family to osterisize her becuase she's disgusting and a freak.


I love my daughter will all my heart and accept her regardless, but to be honest I'm a little lost at this point. I've lost those dreams of grandkids, her dad walking her down the aisle, her prom date, etc. I know these where my dreams and not hers, but I'm still hurt. I realize I will have to learn a new way of thinking, but it's still so new that I have my ups and downs. I have moments that I know everything will be fine and it could be worse, she could be a drug addict, criminal, etc. But then I have those moments of loss.


Don't really know why I wrote this, just felt like venting. I know there are Gay and Lesbian sites here on ivillage but they are mainly geared toward the person themselves, not the family members learning to adjust. If I've offended anyone I apologize, just needed to babble a bit...


(((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:47pm

Oh Mickey, I'm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:18pm

I didn't read any other posts before posting so if I'm sorry if others have said the same thing.


You can still have all that you wish for wedding, grand kids and so on. Just because she's gay doesn't mean she wont have any of this for her life (((hugs))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-1997
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 4:06pm

(((Mickey))) There's no way your heartfelt post could offend anyone!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 6:56pm
{{{Mickey}}}
So glad you did share here & hope it helpd as well.
We always want what we what for our kids.
When things happen differently it is tough for us to adjust.
Moreso when they are hurting themselves hurts us as deeply.
I see Suzan gave you a link to another board which might help as well.

In time I have no doubt you will have many of your own wishes from your daughter.
More than anything you want her to be healthy & happy.
Which in turn will make you happy .. am I right?
Being up & down about it all is perfectly normal.
So don't be hard on yourself for that.
In time you all will be able to be happy for one another.
As well as having your thoughts replaced by even better ones ;)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2010
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 7:19pm

Do you know about PFLAG--Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays?


www.pflag.com

 

 Katz

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 6:19am

Hi there,

I'm delurking because I wanted to tell you something. I'm heterosexual, and my mother had the same dreams as you have for your daughter. Well, things didn't unfold as she thought they would. The money that my parents had saved for my wedding day is still intact, because up till now (and I'm in my forties), I still haven't really found anyone whom I really, really, really want to spend the rest of my life with. Actually, if it were solely up to me, I'd rather co-habitate/live with the man of my life than marry him. Grandchildren? She thought she's have at least three because she has three children. She has one.

I think you are more disappointed, and shocked, than hurt. Often, they feel the same. But hurt implies that your daughter injured you in some way by being who she is, and from reading your post I doubt this is the way you feel. You love your daughter too much to feel this way.

Who says that your daughter won't go to prom? Do you know that a lot of kids these days go to prom as a group and not in couples? They find that it's much more fun, more inclusive to do so as a group of friends. It takes away a lot less pressure on them. I think these kids are right.

Your daughter is going to grow up, and she'll meet the person of her life. Does it really matter whether that person is a man or a woman, as long as that person loves and appreciates your daughter and her family for who everyone is? As long as that person is a good person, kind, decent, gentle, supportive, intelligent, responsible, sharing, etc? As long as your daughter is happy and fulfilled and bursting with joy in a relationship that is long-lasting? Isn't this what every parent wants for their child? The way things are going, your husband might well walk your daughter down the aisle. Perhaps not to a church wedding, but for a civil union ceremony.

Children? Well, Melissa Ethridge has children by her partners. So do other gay couples. A gay couple that I know (gay males) are the very proud and happy and loving fathers of a little boy. They are amongst the best parents that I've ever met.

You are not losing anything, Mickey, but your daughter's revelations mean that you are going to have to take a few steps and look at life through another view point. In time, you will see this as a gift that your daughter has given you, because she's being very honest and true about herself and allowing you to discover and love her as she is.

What might help you in this difficult time is to write a letter to the little girl you thought Krystina was, along with your dreams for her. Put this away for a couple of days, then burn it as you say good buy to her. Then write a letter to Krystina as you know she is, welcome her, write about your dreams, wishes and blessing for her. Keep this in your jewellery box.

I hope this helps.

All my best for you and your daughter. She's a beautiful child. Don't lose her because you are disappointed that your dreams won't ever be as your thought they'd unfold. She's going to give you so much happiness in the future, more than you'd ever thought possible, if you allow her to.

Bless,

Kat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:13am

Thanks for your kind words, being new to the board just wasn't sure if my post was appropriate but it felt good to just write out my feelings. I have a journal and often write them in there, but for some reason that wasn't helping me get out what I felt was stewing in my brain. All the others who have post have been just as great and have made some wonderful points for me to ponder, which I'm guessing was what I really wanted to hear. Somebody from the outside looking in instead of me in this fish bowl not seeing the whole picture.


(((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:27am

LOL, you're post made me laugh because you did seem fired up. I love my girlie, guessing I just have to learn a new way of thinking. I thank you for being so supportive.


(((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:30am

You know your post was more of an awakening than you could have imagined, for the simple reason of your posting about your sister's wedding being a quiet one.


DH and I eloped 18 years ago and although we've had our ups and downs have a great thing going. I do miss the fact I don't have the pictures and memories others seem to have and maybe I was hoping to get that through my daughter. I guess as parents there are some of our own dreams we want to live through our kids, although not entirely fair.


Thanks for your support and kind words


(((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:34am

Thanks for being supportive and your kind words, it helps the heart


(((hugs)))

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