Monday funny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Monday funny.
2
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 10:53am

I thought theses would give you a good giggle to start you're Monday morning off.

Von.

Subject: AGING
>>
>>
>> A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
>> Groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
>> Good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
>> Upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about
>> mid
>> Eighties.
>>
>> The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
>> takes a
>> Sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
>>
>> <><><><><><><>
>>
>> An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
>> years.
>>
>> He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
>> a set
>> Of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
>>
>> The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
>> Said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
>> You can hear again."
>>
>> The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
>> Around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
>> times!"
>>
>>
>> <><><><><><><>
>>
>> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
>> Under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83
>> years old
>> Now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
>> age. How
>> Do you feel?"
>>
>> Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
>>
>> "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
>>
>> "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
>>
>> <><><><><><><>
>>
>> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
>> eating,
>> The wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
>> gentlemen were
>> Talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant
>> and it
>> Was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
>>
>> The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
>>
>> The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
>> name of
>> That flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's
>> red
>> And has thorns."
>>
>> "Do you mean a rose?"
>>
>> "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
>> kitchen
>> And yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
>> Night?
>>
>> <><><><><><><>
>>
>> Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
>> Discharged.
>>
>> However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
>> gentleman
>> Already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who
>> Insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
>>
>> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
>> him to
>> The elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
>>
>> "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
>> Out of her hospital gown."
>>
>>
>> ***************
>>
>> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
>> During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically
>> okay, but
>> They might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
>> Later
>> That night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
>> "Want
>> Anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
>> "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
>> "Sure."
>> "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
>> Asks.
>> "No, I can remember it."
>> "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it
>> Down, so's not to forget it?"
>> He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
>> Strawberries."
>> "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
>> Down?" she asks.
>> Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
>> it! Ice
>> Cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
>> sake!"
>>
>> Then he toddles into the kitchen.
>> After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
>> hands his
>> Wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
>> She stares at the plate for a moment.
>> "Where's my toast ?"
>>
>>
>> Keep Reading
>>
>>
>> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
>> Getting married?"
>> "Yep!"
>> "Do I know her?"
>> "Nope!"
>> "This woman, is she good looking?"
>> "Not really."
>> "Is she a good cook?"
>> "Naw, she can't cook too well."
>> "Does she have lots of money?"
>> "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
>> "Well, then, is she good in bed?"
>> "I don't know."
>> "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
>> "Because she can still drive!"
>>
>>
>> Keep Reading
>>
>>
>> Three old guys are out walking.
>> First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
>> Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
>> Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer "
>>
>>
>> Keep Reading
>>
>>
>> A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
>> It cost
>> me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
>> "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
>> "Twelve thirty."
>>
>>
>> Keep Reading
>>
>> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
>> days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
>> gorgeous
>> young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
>> Morris
>> and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
>>
>> Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
>> cheerful.'"
>>
>> The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
>> murmur;
>> be careful.'"
>>
>>
>> Keep Reading
>>
>>
>> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
>> himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
>> breath, he
>> ordered a banana split.
>> The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
>> "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
>
>

Von.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: gal_vony2
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 2:02pm
I'm in stitches,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: gal_vony2
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:54pm
Those were awesome Von,
Thanks for the laugh :)

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