How to get rid of a toxic friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
How to get rid of a toxic friend?
5
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 1:39am

Hi Friends,

I hope someone could give great advice with this. I have this friend who I've known for about 12 years. I met her in college. She was always very competitive and always tried to look like she knew it all. She always tried to put me down, made it sound like I wasn't smart enough and instead of being happy for me when I won a scholarship, she told me I was lucky she didn't apply for it, otherwise she would have taken all my money. That's just one example of the horrible things she would say to me at times. I never felt comfortable with her but she tried so hard and insisted to be around me. She would buy me gifts, even sent me flowers to work once... I guess I felt obligated to be nice to her. I mostly felt bad for her too. I know I've stayed friends with her out of pity especially that no one liked her in school. She is also borderline stalkerish. She would call me all day and show up to my house unannounced and even though I would say/hint that it bothered me, she either didn't get it or didn't care.

We continued to be friends after college. I went on to work in Television and she did PR. I later switched to PR and she started getting real competitive with me. Again, telling me I didn't have real experience and that I wasn't going to be able to get a nice salary. No matter what she said... I did well. She continued to say horrible things about my lack of work experience and she meddled in everything I did. I got fed up and I literally broke up with her saying I couldn't deal being friends with her anymore. She disappeared for two years and started calling me again. At first, I thought she had changed but I have now realized she's still the same insecure, negative and toxic person. I feel like she drains my energy whenever I'm around her. I call her an emotional vampire. We slowly started getting close again... mostly because she would push herself on me... emailing me at work, calling me at work or my cell. Really annoying.

I was now working at a PR agency making a really awesome salary. I was silly enough to tell her how much I was making and the whole negative comments started again... how I wasn't going to be able to get that salary anywhere else, that I didn't have enough experience and basically that I couldn't do better than that. Such is my luck that I got laid off and I think she got happy. Since she has a small PR agency now and I was desperate for some cash while I looked for a job, I started freelancing with her. She pays me nothing and is constantly calling me. She finds any excuse to call me at all times on weekends, at night. I mostly ignore her calls but she still doesn't get it. She's constantly telling me how I really don't have any real PR experience and that I will have a hard time finding a job that will pay me what I used to make. I sometimes feel like she wants to keep me to herself and since her energy is so negative, I suspect she's affecting my job search. It's like she's wishing I don't have anything else and that turns out to be my only choice.

She recently offered me a job at her agency paying me $30,000 less than what I was making. I told her that my asking price was more and never said yes to her offer. Only that I would think about it. Unfortunately, I don't have anything else right now. I'm interviewing for jobs but nothing has panned out yet. I'm clear that I don't want to work with her but we're going through tough times and I need to make some income. I know working with her would be really stressful for me and I rather wait it out. I also want to slowly push her away from my life. She went ahead and printed business cards for me without asking and she told her clients I will be working on the accounts. I know part of it is my fault because I haven't flat out said no but she just won't listen. I need some good advice.

Rebelde76

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 3:55am

End it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 7:05am

Hello Rebelde

As Hilary said and I totally agree, now is the time to end the relationship (friendship and work) and move on in one fell swoop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2001
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 9:32am

From someone who has rid herself of several toxic people in her life (family and so-called friends), just do it. You're going to feel guilty at first and that people will think ill of you, but so what?

You'll feel much better about yourself and your life when you do not allow toxicity to poison your happiness. Nobody controls your life but you.

Just say "No Thanks", cut the line of communication and walk away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 11:34am
I really appreciate your reply. It really helps. I will talk to her to let her know that I will not take the job. Knowing her, she's going to try to manipulate me to change my mind. At times, when I've told her no to her dinner invitations, she's even said I'm mean and then accuses of being lazy. She wants to guilt me into hanging out with her. I will just ignore her and stand firmly on my decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 11:37am

You are going to have to be as brutal with her as she is with you.


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