My husband told me he had a crush...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2009
My husband told me he had a crush...
5
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 5:11pm

My husband and I got it a fight one night and he spilled the beans that he had a crush on a co-worker, after I questioned him about having a crush another co-worker. I don't know why I asked, I really never imagined it to be true. We got in a fight over plans of hanging out with his co-workers. I have met this girl and her fiance a few times. He has been working there for a little over a year and was attracted to her right away. He said they would go up to the cafeteria for coffee once in awhile but that's really all the 1:1 time they spent together. They never went to lunch or did anything outside of work hours that I was not invited to. They never talked outside of work hours either. He said it was hard to avoid b/c they work together and see each other everyday. She was nice and friendly and gave him attention and was mainly a distraction. He said they didn't flirt or anything like that, it was just friendship and he put the other stuff in the back of his mind. He said he was never going to act on anything. I think it made him feel good that someone gave him attention, he always has felt like people don't like him and that he has no social skills. I just had a baby 4 months ago and he said it had nothing to do with that, it was just coincidental and nothing was wrong with our marriage. He said he never loved me less, only more. He never came home late, never acted strange, always included me in everything, he's an excellent husband and this is really out of his character. He said he thought about telling me about it awhile ago but didn't know how to say it and wasn't sure if he should. My reaction has been extreme. I think it might be due to the baby too. I feel hurt & betrayed. He feels so terrible about everything. He has gone above and beyond in explaining the whole situation to me (literally everyday questions from me, arranged counseling, trying his best to make me realize it was nothing more than a distraction and it was meaningless. He has written love letters, flowers, emails, he even said he would quit his job. He wants nothing more than to be with me and now says he realizes that he should've avoided all interaction with her in the first place. He says he has stopped all interaction that doesn't relate to work and the feelings have completely gone away. He feels like a terrible person to put everything on the line over nothing.

I know he means what he says and I know he's truly sorry, but for some reason, I just can't get over it. I focus on it all the time. I wish he never told me.

I'm so up and down about it. Sometimes I laugh and think "this is no big deal." We've been together for 7 years and this is the first time he's ever been attracted to another. And sometimes I think "wow, my husband was thinking of someone else." I was attracted to a co-worker before too. I turned off my emotions quickly, though. Maybe it's harder for guys.

Is this normal? Should he have kept this to himself? How do you get past this and move on to a trusting relationship again? How do I feel secure and confident in our relationship again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2009
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 7:37pm
I'm glad to hear that things are better! I wish you both the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2009
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 1:59pm

Thank you for your response. Things are so much better now. I think it's just really hard to hear the one you love is attracted to someone else. But it happens to us all, I'm sure. I have to admit that I have been attracted to others too. Being attracted to another person doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your marriage either. It only means that you are human.

I was dealing with PPD and deciding on a career change. I had a lot on my mind and was up and down about EVERYTHING and when we got into a fight I just went at him so hard - I insulted him and he was hurt. He said something hurtful back to me. He regrets it more than anything, and so do I.

The good thing about this situation is that we've realized how much we love each other, how much we need and want each other. We are stronger now becuase of this.

The main thing is communication. I took everything he said out of context and focused on the negative for a long time. Made it a WAY bigger deal than it was. I don't know why either, becuase I have been attracted to another person too and in my mind it was no big deal. Just something that made me feel good a new person. I never felt like our marriage was bad or that I didn't love my husband becuase I thought someone else was cute and interesting. He said, it was the same for him. Just a person at his work that he thought was pretty and nice - he said, I never even thought of acting, or leaving you or anything.

It's almost like if you didn't have these experiences from time to time, you would be a robot or dead. You see an attractive person and you have a thought. Just like you go to watch a movie with Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. Just becuase you are married does not mean that you will never like another person again. It is how you react to those feelings.

When I told him about my attraction he said he is not hurt becuase he knows i would not do anything and he trusts me completely. He said he knows that whatever I was feeling was a normal thing.

Anyway, I would rather not know who he is attracted to. It's better to wonder, but not know who/when/where! I just like to think I'm the one and only. He says "you are baby, that is why I didn't do anything. That is why I will always choose you over and over again, becuase you are the only person for me." I like hearing those things much better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2009
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 3:13am

I understand how you feel....well at least I think that I do. I'm married but my husband has never told me anything like that before. I understand that you are hurt. You may feel a little less attractive too if you haven't lost all the baby weight--but the most important thing is that your husband didn't act on his feelings. He didn't ask her out or cheat on you. He sounds like a great guy and he sounds like he's trying really hard to make things right with you. If it is hard for you, I would recommend that you both go to counseling. You may have already had some insecurities and this is just the icing of the cake so to speak--now it's just too much for you. I wouldn't stress out or anything though if I were you. i'd look at his actions. He hasn't pursued her and he's really trying to make it work with you.

I wish you the best and I hope everything works out well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2009
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 2:08pm

First, I do think your husband loves you and wants to get past this; however, I do not think he is being perfectly honest with you.

*+*Kiki*+*
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 10:10am

Hi,


It sounds like your husband is committed to you, but I understand how you must be feeling. (HUGS)


You might try posting on Problem Solving for Couples

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