I'm so depressed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm so depressed...
7
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:58am
I just told my husband yesterday that I wanted to stop doing all the bills and let him do them because it's too stressful for me. Now I don't want to hand them over to him, though, because he doesn't know how bad it really is. The mortgage is late and I'll probably have to borrow from my mom to pay for it and I don't want to tell my husband about that. I'm 2 months behind on the credit card bills. I'm in such a mess. I don't know what to do. ~~~Angie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:05pm
I agree with what the others have said about sitting down and talking with him. He does need to know the situation. but I just wanted to say that you already know the situation, and he is not going to really understand until he is the one doing the bills. I have already done this and I feel SOOOOOOO much better since turning the stuff over to him. Now both of us understand how much we owe each month and everything.

I was a little nervous at first that he might not be responsible enough to do it. but he has been doing just fine! I dont know what type of people you and your DH are, but with my husband and me, I get very stressed out over things, and he pretty much always keeps his cool. So I dont think that doing the bills is stressing him out as much as it was me. I am not saying that I dont check on things and remind him sometimes - he usually didnt need the reminder but I do it anyway. And I am not completely stress free about our finances even though I dont actually write the bills. But it is just better this way.



Megan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:16am
Hi! The first thing I'd do is come clean with your husband, even if it means he stays angry with you for a week. He is responsible for household bill paying, too, in case he forgot and should have been keeping up with finances all along. You will feel better after you've unburdened yourself. I've been there and trust me, you cannot continue to deal with it all on your own. This board gave me terrific advice when I first admitted that things were getting out of control.

If you have a parent who can provide financial assistance, I'd go for it. I'd also consider contacting your creditors (re past due credit card bills)to make reasonable repayment arrangements. It would be far worse to have them call and upset you. If you make contact first, you still have some control over the situation.

I hope this helps. Keep us posted. Good luck!

Avatar for mymartes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:31am
Angie,

Honestly is the best policy. I suggestion, you sit down with your husband and work on a budget. Let him know what's going on. Perhaps you both can come up with a budget.

Good luck.

MYM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:49am
OMG Angie, I could of written this post. I told dh on Saturday that for now on he could do bills because I couldn't take it anymore, but like you I'm falling behind on everything but it's not because we are going out to eat, spending..etc. Than after telling him he could do them I think, AM I CRAZY????!!!!! He has no clue what is due when, how much, I mean I've been doing it for 10 years, he doesn't have a clue. You know I'm so depressed it isn't funny and I just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry this wasn't no help but my god I could of written that post!!

Corinna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:32am
Maybe letting him take over completely isn't the best idea either. Maybe you should work on them together for a while so you can find a method that works for both of you. He needs to know what's going on. When my dh didn't know... he stuck his head in the sand all the time... he didn't do anything to help us recover when we were down and we just sunk deeper. Now that he's more involved (at this point, that means he KNOWS what's going on... I still do all the work LOL!) he's careful and will try to bring in more money to get us back on track. It's a partnership.

He needs to know... if to only get it off your chest. Then you can work together to solve the problem. Money puts a lot of strain on a marriage, especially when there's not enough of it. Be strong. It gets better as long as you continue to work toward making it better. It starts out very slowly, but it will pick up speed and before you know it, you'll be on the road to recovery!

Sharon

 

Avatar for donovansmommy2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:27am
Well I can see why you are stressed out then about giving him the bills! I was in a very similar spot once in my life so I know just how you feel!!! HUGS!

Honesty is the best policy. If you have been doing all the bills and he's been living in a bill free fantasy land, this is the perfect time to sit down with him, show him how things are, and find solutions to correct the situation.

I've always thought that money should be a team effort in a marriage and one person shouldn't have to carry ALL of the weight of the debt on their shoulders- it should be shared. It's not always easy to do this, but if you are able to communicate with eachother, it can be done.

Why not make a list of the bills to show which ones you can pay this month. Then list the ones that you can't pay and tell him your plan of borrowing the $$ from your mom. Sure he may get upset, but at least the mortgage will be paid, and when you are on a better financial path, you will be able to set aside $10 here, and $15 there to pay back your mom. And you never know, he may have a different idea to get the mortgage paid!

Reality isn't always pleasant, but it IS your reality for right now, and you shouldn't have to confront it without your dh.

Let us know how it goes!!! Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:21am
Angie.. the only thing I can recommend is that you talk to your husband.. Put the kids to bed, gather up all the bills, even the late ones and sit down at the kitchen table and put everything in front of him. Things are not going to get better until your both on the same page and know where your starting at...

Now, i'm a single person, but this is what I did with myself when I realized that things were getting bad.. Keeping your head in the sand is never a good idea... I'm sure alot of the other women who post on this board will be along shortly with good suggestions, but i've always found honesty is the best policy, with yourself and everyone else.. Its not like the bills are going to get worse by looking at them.. They are what they are and they aren't going to go away...

Good luck! Liz