new and ruining my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
new and ruining my marriage
6
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 10:13pm
I'm 40 years old and been in debt since I started college at 18. I got myself out once and ended back in debt now. I've been married for 5.5 years and we've mostly lived paycheck to paycheck. I'm not really sure how this all got so out of hand, but we are in big, big financial trouble. I was responsible(supposedly) for paying our bills. Well, it got to the point that our 10 year old adopted son needed new clothes or something or some unexpected bill came along and so I didn't pay other bills. In Dec. we were almost evicted from our apartment, but my sister ended up wiring us the $400. We moved March 1 to a cheaper apartment. But I've been so far behind on bills that we're still catching up. I would go from paycheck advance place to paycheck advance place. Our checking account is constantly overdrawn. There are times when we've gotten our paychecks, which should give us about $1100 and by the times the overdraft fees are taken care of we like $400. The really bad thing is that I never told my husband any of this. I'd tell him we were strapped for money, but he never knew I didn't pay certain bills and juggled things around. Tonight was the final straw. The music company came to take our son's violin back because I haven't paid the bill in months. I never call the creditors either, I just ignore the bill. Now my dh is furious with me, I've ruined his credit for many years and I've lied. He doesn't trust me and would probably divorce me if it wasn't for our son. Our son is a special needs adoption, he has severe emotional and behavior problems and dh and I know we couldn't parent him by ourselves. I've admitted to dh everything I've done and I've written out a payment plan for ourselves to fix it, but that doesn't change the fact that I was deceitful. We've gone through Consumer Credit Counseling, but I haven't been able to pay them either. I live in panic that the cops are going to arrest me or take my son away from me. I'm also petrified that my husband will leave me.

I want to fix this, but how can I regain his trust?

I have no one to talk to about this and need someone to support me through this.

Thanks,

Pat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 10:53pm
First off let me give you a big (((HUG))). You have come to the right place if support is what you need. I have found the folks here to be very caring and encouraging as well.

I have not quite been in your situation but I want to say it takes courage to admit what you did! It was a VERY big step. Secondly you put it all out in writing and came up with a plan! Another BIG step! Now about regaining your dh's trust. That is going to take time. I don't think there is an easy solution nor a one size fits all so to speak. One suggestion I would make is that you set aside time every week where the two of you go over your budget, plan what bills you are paying, how much you have to spend on groceries etc together. Decide who is doing what etc. This way he can see you are still being open and honest with him and over time hopefully this will help.

I also would suggest you visit some of the other money boards as they have lots of ideas and tips on budgeting and how to live frugally etc. There are a lot of ways to cut back your spending so that you may pay off your debt faster. Good Luck and keep visiting us.

Sandra

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 9:33am
Welcome bichon1! You have found a supportive group of people who have "been there and done that." Here at the DSG we offer lots of emotional support to one another as we struggle to get out of debt. Each person has found their own way of doing this and has much to share to help a newcomer. The cops are not going to arrest you, sweetie, and no-one will take your son away. You have a problem that many of us share. Please get these two books, How to Get Out of Debt Stay Out of Debt and Live Prosperously by Jerrold Mundis and How to Get What You Want With the Money You Have by Carol Keefe and read them right away. You are not your debt, you are a worthwhile person. You have the magic inside of yourself to turn this around by changing your attitude and thoughts about yourself and about money. Hang in there with us, do as we suggest and work really hard and you will not believe the peace of mind and transformation that will occur.

We have a weekly check-in on Mondays. Try to be sure that you check-in then as well as posting often and becoming a part of our caring community. Please check out all the other Money boards as well. Many newbies find the Debt Questions and Answers Board to be an important source of information as they are starting out.

I urge you to visit http://www.quicken.com/planning/debt/ and use the Quicken Debt Reduction Planner to calculate how long it will take you to get out of debt with a reasonable payment plan. http://www.debtorsanonymous.org is a valuable website for understanding this affliction of compulsive debting. I have found http://www.flylady.net to be an important source of help for simplifying my life and dealing with the blues and a general sense of depression that I struggled with when deep in debt. And lastly I always ask people to check out http://www.cheapskatemonthly.com, Mary Hunt's website is a source of much helpful information and inspiration.

We are glad you joined our group! We welcome you with open arms and hope that you come back often.

cl-12by10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 5:02pm
Pat, ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) to you, I totally feel your pain. I'm/we are in debt over our heads as well and I kept it a scert for many years but told him and feel so relief from it and he's so understanding...thank God!!

Corinna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 5:42pm
Dear Pat,

First off, you are NOT a bad person. You have a problem, you've admitted it and taken the first step. Congratualtions! And second (((((((HUGS)))))))). You are NOT alone. Everyone here has a problem and is working their way out. Stick around here as often as you can and read some of the books that have been suggested. It really DOES help. I found that I needed Quicken AND BudgetMap to keep track of my expenses.

As another Pat, (Patricia means "of the nobility") know that you WILL get past this and do something great with your life.

Love,

Pat
Avatar for noahs_mommy2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 11:36am
Pat, I understand where you are coming from. I am single, but I worry about ever finding someone special and having to tell him about how awful I am with money. I worry about not being able to buy my own house one day and not being able to get a car in my own name. I hate myself some days for how horrible I have let my credit become. I just have to keep in mind that hopefully I will find a man that is understanding and that will still love me anyway. I am sure that your husband will be okay with everything over time. If he sees that you are making an effort he has to understand. I know how hard it must have been for you to tell him about the problems. I have many of the same problems you have and haven't told anyone. Letting everyone here know has helped me though. It has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I know that there are people out there that understand my situation and won't judge me. Just be sure to hang in there. Everything will be fine. Just keep making improvements and show your husband that you are desperately trying. Good luck!

Tammie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 1:19pm
Hi Pat,

I wish I could make it all go away for you, but all I can do is offer condolences and prayers that things will get better for you. I've heard that it takes years to build trust, and a moment to break it. So give yourself some time, try to focus on the positive, and don't do that anymore. That's all you can do.

Keep posting, let us know how you're doing.

All the best,

Lee Ann

Lee Ann

www.werenotafraid.com