Very frustrated with SO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Very frustrated with SO
3
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 1:28pm
Hello everyone,

I was very overwhelmed the last few weeks. I was behind in everything. I spoke with my boss and she advanced me my yearly bonus so, that I can catch up on my bills. Well, I am still a little short but, if I budget wisely I think I can make it. My problem is my SO one day is at my level of understanding the next minute he is thinking about what he wants and needs. It is driving me crazy. He did some stupid deals with his car and now he doesn't have one. I am taking him and picking him up. This seems to work out fine if I don't rush him because I will be late or no one comes with a good deal on a car. His brother came last night and told him he could sell him his car for $600.00 which is a good deal but, we can't afford that right now. I have told him this numerous times and he is still trying to figure out a way to get it. I am running short about $1300 to pay all that needs to be paid to be caught up. I have even told him to set himself a reasonable allowance amount every week because that is how he is paid. And to let me work with the rest. He came up with $75 which is a lot but, I agreed. That has not turned out to be enough. He gets mad when I tell him that he has gone over. If we were all caught up we should have almost $600 left over in a month after all bills, including groceries and gas but, we never do. We are always living paycheck to paycheck and behind on everything because of this constant struggle over money. I make more money than he does and I never see any money for myself and to be honest I really don't mind as long as we have all the bills paid and the necesities taken care of. We have been together for over 13yrs and have two small children and another on the way and I am tired of living this way. I want him to see what I am seeing and the potential that we have to be okay.

Sorry so long, in bad need of venting. GRRR

Thanks for reading

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 4:54pm
Hi Brenda,

Just reading your post makes me go GRRR too. Why is it that some men think they are intitled to all this "spending" money while we do without. Like you, I am not complaining about doing without myself but I do get mad if dh thinks he *needs* or *deserves* stuff when financially we are struggling.

My dh has come a long way now and I finally got him to see the light. What I did was to right down everything we spent. I showed him on paper exactly what all the monthly bills cost us (rent, utilities, all the regular stuff) than I went through our check book for the past few months and cc bills and catogorized our spending (clothing, eating out, groceries, entertainment) of course if you have been keeping track of your spending your ahead of the game (instead of working backwards). As much as I "talked" to dh he didn't get it until I showed it to him on paper. Also, that way there is something tangible for him to look over again and again while he thinks about it. Once I showed dh where our money was going he was amazed to see that we were spending over 5000 a month! If you would have asked him he thought we were spending 2000.00. BIG DIFFERENCE!

I also think $75 a week is too excesive ( and he is crying for more?)especially given you are coming up short for paying the bills. Right now dh is lucky if he gets 20.00 a week. I would tell him if he saved the 75.00 in two months he would have the money for the car and if he wants the car than that is what he needs to do.

Perhaps sitting down every payday and going over which bills you are paying etc will help him to stay focused. I talk about our finances alot to dh and for the longest time he thought it wasn't as bad as I was making it out etc. But the more I showed him the budget (he dislikes paying bills etc) and talked about we only have $$ (x amount) until payday and we still need to buy this or that (usually groceries) it really made him think about taking out 20.00 at the atm when he knew we had to still buy milk for the kids. I have to admit I also had to start "walking the talk". I was always saying we need to cut back and than go and spend money we did really have (even though it wasn't much 10.00 here or there) but still this made dh think it was ok for him too. Once I made changes to my spending (yes, once in awhile I still go over budget) he made changes too. I don't know if this applies to you but it is worth thinking about. I have come to realize every dollar makes a difference and I used to think what will spending another $15 do? I didn't think much but it does add up quite alot. This is how my dh thought too until I showed him $5 here, $20 there can add up to hundreds of dollars by month's end.

I don't know if any of this will help but I wanted you to know you are noy alone. Your SO needs yo pull up his socks and start acting like an adult instead of a whiney kid.

Sandra

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 2:06pm
Hi Brenda - thank you very much for posting. I agree with Sandy that sitting down and talking about it is important here. Your SO isn't going to magically *see* how/what you see unless you show it to him. Maybe a chart or a spreadsheet so he sees where the money is going?

I'm sorry you're so frustrated right now - especially when you're pg and should be enjoying that!

Please keep us updated on any progress or setbacks - we're here for you, okay?!

All my best,

Danni

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 2:55pm
Boy do I hear you! My dh has come a long way. He still complains about his measly $75 a week. And I'm lucky if I spend $10 a week myself.

He has been doing good. Checking with me before every purchase. Today he was asking if he should buy the cheap brakes and rotors for his Jeep or the "better" ones. I told him if it were me I'd buy the cheap ones, then think about getting the better ones next time if we have the money. Well, I thought I had him talked into the cheap ones when he tells me he wants to buy one good set on the check card and CHARGE the other set!!! I want to kill him! And he KNOWS how hard I've been working to get us out of debt. Ugh!

Sharon