Tired and Disgusted with DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tired and Disgusted with DH
12
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:32am
I know you guys get tired of hearing about my DH and I hope you don't mind me posting in this spot, I was trying to wait until the check-in but, this has been bothering me so bad I couldn't sleep. Let me give you a little background so that you'll see why i'm so frustrated, this man eats lunch out every Friday, regardless of finances it's $5 so I don't mind him having it(at least I try not to be envious aobut it) he pays a "monthly" fee to race, and he smokes, and insists on having this stupid DSL to race on, well, for several months now he's been playing this Army game online, he got with a bunch of guys and they formed a team and you guessed he was asking me yesterday "when we have $20 available he wanted to send it to the guys to help pay for the server" I was so flabbergasted I just walked away. I'm so tired of this crap, what about me and the kids? We might want to eat lunch out every once in awhile, what about summer clothes for the kids, we haven't bought those yet, what about anything other than some mindless stupid game. I'm planning to go home for vacation this summer and I have not decided if i'll be returning to OH or not it just doesn't feel like I have a reason.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:23am
communication!!! you've got to talk to him, tell him what you're feeling. It'll probably end up in a fight though unless you do some background work.

My first marriage broke up, and gee, guess what came up alot in the counselling from the Ex's mouth?... money. money this and money that... she controls all the money, I couldn't do this, I couldn't have that, I never have any money. And it was all news to me, it seemed to me that the ex was always getting money for ski trips and sports while I sacrificed to pay bills and juggle debt.

So... I learned that couples need to communicate about money. We need to come up with spending plans for our households too. If you come up with a spending plan where you know that your kids will need $x worth of new clothes this upcoming season, where you know you'll be spending $x on groceries, it makes monthly living so much easier. It also allows you to see how much is left over for debt and fun money. Each of you having $x for personal money monthly would be good too, then it wouldn't matter what DH did with his.

Spending plan or budget, whatever you call it, it works, as long as it's a family affair. Im crazy for the Debt Proof Living book now. It helped us immensely here, money was causing alot of stress here and now it doesn't. It's a great book and can teach you how to do all this stuff.

Just MHO. Money is a very stupid thing to ruin a marriage over, I know.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-1999
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:23am
I just wanted to send you hugs and wish you the strength to get through this, whatever you decide. I don't know how you have managed to cope for so long. Good luck to you!
Avatar for judy_jetson
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:38am
Hi Toni,

I have read most of your posts about your money situation and your DH. I hope you don't mind my honest opion and please know that I am in total support of you. Your DH needs to get a grip and look at reality. He is asking for all of this stuff and you are basically giving in and letting him have it. You need to stand your ground with him and tell him NO once in a while. He may not like it, but geez you are sacrificing yourself and your children by letting him have what he wants. To me, $20 on game stuff is just not important, it should be going towards clothes for your children. Money is the #1 thing that couples fight over and it really shouldn't. You both are a team and need to start working and loving like one. Personally, I wouldn't put up with this, family is much too important. I know we all need an outlet and he probably feels like this is his, but there are times when you need to sacrifice and put you rfamily first. Maybe you could have a family member or close friend watch the kids and the both of you could just sit down, have a heart to heart, show him what you are working with, what the bills are and maybe you both could come up with a plan. Once you work towards it, it will get easier and then in a year or so, he could have his game club.

Big hugs sweetie, I know it is hard and you are doing such a great job with this. I hope you aren't upset with my post, I am honest and upfront.

Let us know how it goes,

JJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 2:06pm
I agree with JJ. You need to confront dh big time. Have you really talked to him about your feelings? Tell him how it makes you feel (not important, not loved, etc) whatever *your* feelings are (those were just some examples). Perhaps if he saw if from that point he would *wake up*!

I don't want to sound harsh either but you are letting him treat you like this. Stand up to him! I also agree that if you have a basic plan to present to him and sit down for a long talk this may help. When dh didn't really take me seriously about our money I finally sat down and for two months (back) I wrote down every dime we spent and where (including cc). He was flabbergasted at how much we were spending a month. If I had asked him to just guess he would have said 2000 a month - well we were spending over 5000!! You cannot assume your dh knows exactly how bad it is unless you have already gone over the numbers with him. I also believe that you should approach this with some solutions in mind so that you don't just make it *his* problem. It is both of yours together and only together can you get yourself out of debt.

Next time he says he wants 20.00 for this or that tell him he has to decide if he really wants to spend it on his *want* or does he think you should spend it on clothes that the kids *need*.

Also, think of ways you both can reward yourself and have your *down time* without it costing a lot of money and something you could do together as a couple and as a family. I have found that we all need to *play* and its just as fun to do it together as a couple/family.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you because I haven't exactly walked in your shoes but I want you to know that I and the others are here to support you whatever you decide. Sending you lots of ((((HUGS)))).

Sandra


Edited 5/27/2003 2:07:55 PM ET by momof2boys1663

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 2:54pm
I "have" sat down several times with the budget and my DH to discuss finances so that he is aware of were every dime goes "he doesn't get it" or "he just doesn't care" if I have to take the money from a bill to pay for his little extras. I try to keep a positive attitude by showing him receipts and showing him that our debt is going down but, he just keeps on spending, this man took money that I had saved to go out for our anniversary and bought computer parts with it, that's what's so frustrating he knows what the money is in the bank for and he spends it anyway.
Avatar for mymartes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 3:04pm
toni,

my husband was the same way. he just thought about spending, spending, spending. then found out he was having an affair and pretty much supporting the whore. (i don't mean to imply that your husband is having an affair). just wanted to tell you that maybe you can move some of the money u having in the joint acct. that way he doesn't see money in the acct. I tell my husband. we only have so much in the acct. he has improved. we cut up all ccs.

hang in there.

mym

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 3:05pm
Do you think it may be time to tell him what you've told us, that you might not come back from vacation? Sounds like he needs a reality check. It reminds me of a story:

A farmer had the most amazing donkey. This donkey was trained to stand up on two legs, twirl around in a circle, and curtsey.

When a visitor from out of town heard of this spectacle, he went right over to the farm, and asked the farmer to get the donkey to perform. The farmer said, "Sure!", picked up a 2 x 4, and whacked the donkey right between the eyes with all his might. Then he said, "Stand up, twirl around, and curtsey", and the donkey did.

The visitor was horrified. "Why did you hit your donkey with a 2x4 like that?". The farmer said, "Well, he's very well-trained, but first you've got to get his attention".

Sounds like you've got to get your donkey's attention...

Lee Ann

www.werenotafraid.com

Avatar for judy_jetson
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 3:46pm
Maybe you should put the money in another account until the situation gets controlled. He knows how much money is in there and spends it. If he didn't know what the account was and how to get a hold of it, he wouldn't spend it. Sorry, but I just would not put up with this. Hang in there hon. It sounds like you need to grow a set of ***** and get that man in shape!

Big hugs sweetie, I'm pulling for ya!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:08pm
I sometimes wonder if you accept his behavior and then come here to complain to us. We listen, offer support and you keep accepting his behaviors. I'm sorry to observe this but when others ask you why you don't get tough and with a sense of authority absolutely insist on better behavior you seem to disappear off the board for awhile.

When I read your posts I always wish you would find a way to get stronger with more authority to put your foot down with your dh.

cl-12by10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:25pm
I've read posts about your husband and am wondering is this the only area of complaint? Do you see this "it's all about me" attitude in other things besides money? I've got a feeling you do. Sometimes, you have to get to the core of the problem. THere are actions you can take to solve the money situation, as others have said. Open another acct, you can cancel that DSL or just quit paying it. But, I've got a feeling there's something deeper. I hope that you get what you need. Big hugs and support!!!! Maybe a vacation would be a great time to think about things! Been there, done that. and I will never regret. I had a long time bf who wouldn't commit. I went on vacation to sort out my mind. Came home, broke up, and in one month found out he had cheated on me for the last half of our relationship. Not saying your DH is, but go clear your head and find out the source of this money problem

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