Have u ever felt like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
Have u ever felt like this?
5
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 10:51pm
I am new to this board and in need of some guidance and support. I am a divorced 30 yearold with an 11 year old son and and I am $30,000.00 in debt. All unsecured. I got into this financial situation due to the fact that at the time of my divorce, I was making $11K a year and not recieving child support. I charged almost everything. Most of my debt is out of true necessity but there are some frivilous purchases included. Two years ago, I got a job and I am making $30K a year. I am having a terrible time dealing with my money situation. It seems like there is not a minute of any day that I am not thinking about it and worrying about it. I feel myself slipping into depression about it and need to learn some skills to cope with this. I am doing my best to pay my balances, I am always on time and trying to pay $800.00-$1000.00 each month on these bills. I figure that if I pay $800.00 a month, I will be debt free in a little over 3 years BUT THAT IS NOT SOON ENOUGH. I hate the way I feel. Recently, I noticed that I am comparing my situation to others that I know my age and feel jealous, hopeless and sickened. Friends and aquanitences that I know are buying land, building homes, going on vacations and such...Basically living the life that I so want to have for me and my son and I feel terrible. I feel like my self worth is somewhat determined by this debt. Do any of you ever feel this way or have felt this way and how do I deal with this? Any suggestions on earning extra money or tips to get my bills down? I can't keep feeling like this..I am turning into someone that I do not like or know. Thank you for your responses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 11:10pm
Daisee,

Welcome! well first I would recommend checking in here, I have learned so much just by hearing other successes and struggles! This board and a few others on money have helped me shake off my desire for more and more stuff. You love your son and he loves you, is owning land really going to make a difference in the quality of your lives as long as you have each other? I don't know where you live now, but I am sure there is a park nearby that you can spend time in. And once you are financially back on firm ground you can work towards that goal. I rent a lower flat in the suburbs for $615/month, cheaper than lots of apartments in the area and we have our own yard. Learning to stop trying to keep up with the Jones' is a hard but important lesson. Plus I have it on good authority that a lot of those Jones' have scary debt too, so the grass isn't always greener. Keep your chin up and check back often!

Rebecca J.

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 11:39pm
Daisee Welcome to the DSG! I'm so glad that you've found us. I found this board some time ago at a time when I was feeling very low also. And someone posted a very important mantra for me. It's simply, "I am not my debt. I just owe some companies some money." I may not have the quote exact, but the gist is there, and I found it both comforting and reassuring. I think it comes from the Jerrold Mundis book "How to get out of debt, stay out of debt, and live prosperously". Many folks here on this board have found that book very, very helpful. Another board favorite is Mary Hunt's Debt Proof Living. Perhaps you could check them out of your local library and see if there are any nuggets in there that help you feel better. At the end of the day - it's just money. You have a son to enjoy and to raise and to love - that's where I would put my energy. Whenever you feel yourself veering toward worry about debt, just put it in perspective - you WILL conquer this with time - it's just a matter of time. I think someone recently posted that they allow a scheduled time (15 minutes) to worry - whatever that time of day is - just collect all the things you want to worry about, and do it during the scheduled time - I haven't tried this - but I love the idea!

Again - welcome to the board. I hope you get additional responses from others - it's really a great group here.

All my best,

Danni

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 9:42am
You will get there, sometimes it takes baby steps, and it seems like you are doing that. Before finding this board I used to compare myself to others and say "well at least we don't have that much credit card debt." and then go ahead and charge even more.

Did you check out the smowflake challenge? That is my favorite thing. It really helped me to get motivated.

As for owning the land or the house. Purchasing our first home, really increased my unsecured debt. I wanted the best of everything and bought alot of stuff on buy now pay later deals. Well the pay later is here! I have stopped furnishing my home and although I still need alot of things, I am waiting and working on one room at a time.

Welcome, I know you will find lots of helpful tips here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 11:38pm
Thank u all for your responses.I am so glad to have found this board. I think that getting advise and encouragement from others that understand the mess I'm in will help me greatly. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 10:21am
Okay, I thought I'd give you some adviced from someone who grew up in your son's position (well I was a daughter, but same sort of thing!). My mom was divorced when I was six months old. There were times when we had to camp out in front of the fireplace because we couldn't afford to turn on the electric heat, I thought it was fun. We didn't own a house until I was in high school, apartments usually have pools and lots of other kids! See there is always a bright side!! Now here is the amazing part, my mom struggled with her debt most of my life, but I always thought we were middle to upper class. Why? My mom never deprived me of the basics, love, food, and time together. No I didn't get to have name brand shoes or a brand new car on my 16th b-day like some of my peers did, but I never had to worry about whether or not my mom was proud of me. Also, another upside is that my mom dealing with her debt as I was growing up taught me the importance of credit scores and budgeting, which is probably one of the greatest lessons of all! Just keep paying down the debt and then save up (Oh and on a side not, if you get a house make sure it is thoroughly inspected first, all of my home repairs have put me $40,000 in debt!)