Going thru a tough time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Going thru a tough time...
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 12:15pm
I haven't had a job for a month and a half and I am completely broke. I do have a job I will start in the later part of June, but won't get a paycheck until the beginning of July. Thank god I have a fabulous man to help me out but my problem is I'm not used to it. We are getting married in November, so he is still trying to save for the wedding, paying the mortgage payment, paying for both car payments and both of our school loans and everything else. I know we are to the point that we can barely afford to put gas in our cars but he won't admit much to me. He says he just wants to make me happy. I don't know how to discuss this with him, but I have always been really independent and I'm feeling like a looser here. I also found out while I have been laid off that I have severe back problems so I have been laying around quite a bit (they did some injection therapy on my back and I've been on very strong meds). I try doing all the housework still but I throw my back out fairly quickly then he snaps at me for doing too much and I should relax. I just feel like a looser here, I've had several boyfriend and been married once before but I've always been the one that took care of everything. I need some ideas on how to make myself handle this better. I can feel myself getting depressed, like I've let myself down. Help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 12:40pm
I would try not to get so upset about it....be thankful that you have a man that can help you out and doesnt throw it in your face. Cheer up! You'll me back to work in a few weeks and then you'll be looking forward to those days off!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 1:33am
OK, you need to relax and just let him do it for you for a while. I know you're so used to being independent and taking care of others, but marriage should be about give-and-take, not all-give or all-take. So you're having a tough time right now, but your fiance is being the strong one right now to support you (in more ways than one). So let him! There will be times when he will be down and will need your support and encouragement, maybe in a different way, but will still need you. It's okay to just let him take care of you for a while.

I know in my relationship with my fiance, and our relationship with money, that trust is a HUGE factor, especially to him. I discovered years ago that what he really needed from me was *trust* that he could take care of our fiances, make decisions, help me get out of my debt, and plan for our future. This took a lot of blind faith on my part - handing over my paychecks, and following through with some really tough demands he made on me (like sitting up all night one weekend to sort through my bills piled up over a period of years, to get a complete picture of how much I owed and where). He had some ideas about money that were strange to me, but in time I came to see the logic and benefits of just letting go and letting him DO it. Trusting him. His previous wife and girlfriends never would trust him enough to do that, and it was so frustrating. They didn't believe in his plans, or just couldn't trust him enough.

Sweetie, it makes him happy to take care of you right now, and that's good for you, good for him, and good for your relationship. By resisting his help, you could be unconsciously sending him the message that you don't trust him to take care of you when you need it most.

So relax, take care of your back, and bask in the glow of his love. You're one lucky lady.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 9:47am

Your reply just warmed my heart so much! My eyes are welling with happy tears, and my heart is overflowing with good feelings toward all the good men in our lives. You're right, she is one lucky lady, and so am I.

Everything is beauuuuu-ti-fuuuuuuull...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 9:49am
Sorry for the cl-hat. I'm a lead compulsive spender on another board, ha ha!

Lee Ann


Avatar for cl_beckymk
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:51am
I agree with what everyone else is saying. I am the always in control type (or so I like to think. ROFLMBO!!! Lately, I have had no control of our situation and have had to change to going with the flow type...at least I've learned how to do that).

Anyway, I have been married 12 years and a long time ago someone told me this line and it has stuck a chord with me and is SOOO very true. Marriage is never 50-50. Sometimes you are giving 90 and the other person 10, HOWEVER, there will be times when you are giving 10 and the other person giving 90. I have found in my marriage that has held true.

I know at times monaterily wise I was the person basically holding us together, especially in the early years. Then I quit to be a SAHM and let me tell you THAT was one of the hardest things I did, it was something I had always wanted to do but that also meant I had to get over the feeling of not contributing monetarily wise...it was no longer "my money" type thing. I still grapple with that on occasion when DH asks for something (he rarely asks), I will feel bad if we can't do it because "it's his money" type thing. So, I can completely understand your independance part of this and it's hard but if you trust your fiance, things will work out. It's been at least 5 years or so and with us working together we have gotten a lot farther than we would have otherwise.