New and need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
New and need help.
2
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 9:55pm
I have a problem with DH. I guess you could say I am a debt enabler. I take care of all the finaces because DH is in the military. We decided when we married 10 years ago, that I would handle everything because he's gone so much.

Well in our first 9 years of marriage we ran up over $30,000 cc debt. Some of it was from eating out to much in our early days, other parts of it were for starting a new home, some of it I don't know about, but a large part of it is from moving so much. The military pays us to move, but not nearly what it costs. (As an example, we moved from Germany to CA. The gov't paid for us to stay in a hotel for 10 days so we could find a house. Unfortunately because we moved in the middle part of the month, we couldn't find a place to live. We had to pay for 25 days in a hotel out of our own pockets. This is just one example). Anyway, we cashed in our IRAs and our mutual fund in Jan to finally pay the cc debt off. We also managed to pay $7500 in principal on my van this year.

However, we have once again moved and we are now back in debt $5000. Not to mention the car my DH insisted on buying because he was going to need it for work. (We moved from a small military post to a much larger one). Only, we get here, there is no parking close to his office, so he bikes back and forth. Great way to save money on gas, but now I am spending $420/month for a car he isn't using, plus insurance.

The reason I say I am an enabler, is DH asks my permission to charge something, then pouts when I say no, not right now, and then wears me down till I say yes, just to get him to shut up. most of the $5000 was for a vacation I DIDN'T want to take, as well as things for our new house I didn't want to buy.

How can I say no to DH and not back down.

Oh his latest thing is he wants to buy a $350 lawnmower with a bagging attachment, because ours doesn't have the bagging attachment, but it works just fine. Not to mention there is only about 6 weeks of mowing season left (and my next-door neighbors have mowed our yard for the past two weeks).

Help. i want to get out of debt and stay out of debt.

Sorry this is so long and any help would be greatly appreciated.

Kellie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: t09w
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 11:08pm
Welcome here-

Huh. My first thought was, "Hey! That sounds like how my DH used to be!" lol. I do the majority of the finances as well, and always had a clearer picture of how things were.

One thing I'd suggest is to show him the budget, and where the money is coming from and where it's going. Then, if he wants a 'toy' (lawnmower), then ask him where he'd suggest cutting the budget to come up with the money. OK, I'm not explaining this well, am I? :D

I don't know if you've read any of my other posts, but yes, I am a big fan of Dave Ramsey and his 'teachings'. One thing that is soooo important is to have everyone on the same page-you design the budget, your DH approves it. One of his books that has the budget forms is "Financial Peace Revisited". It has helped us get past where you are. If my DH wants something, I just hand him the budget and tell him that if he can find the money, he can have the whatever. I don't do it in a mean sarcastic way, but there's only so many dollars coming in-and we're not using our credit cards anymore (after a slight hiccup last month, anyhow, lol), and therefore, since every dollar has a place it's designated for BEFORE it gets to the house-he's got to move numbers around. It works best if you know that he's not going to cut a category so much that you won't make it through the pay period.

As far as telling him no, and not backing down-again, show him the budget. I think you are in a pretty good position to get out of debt, if you can pull together in the same direction. That's the tricky part!

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
In reply to: t09w
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 4:02pm
Hi, Kellie! We are also a military family; USCG! I've been military all my life. Can he get a mutual assistance loan to pay off the debt and have it taken from his pay via allotment?

If not, you have to make some decisions; but it's good that you're looking into it NOW rather than when it gets to be a serious problem!

If you had to pay out of pocket for the hotel you stayed in due to the PCS, you can file for reimbursement if you have the receipt. You should also have collected BAH for that time period that you were not in housing. If not, you need to get in touch with his yeoman (or the equivalent personnel for your branch!)!! You might be able to find help on this over at Http://www.soloops.com in the finances forum. Solo-Ops is a great board for military families!

I would definitely look into selling the second vehicle if it is not necessary! The ONLY reason we have one right now when DH is only 2 miles from his work is because we own it outright, and one tank of gas can last him most of the month!!

My DH and I sat down and did alot of talking. Neither of us like being in debt and we are committed to it. We both remind each other when we get to talking about things we'd like. DH- I want to get such and such this next payday for the fish tanks. Me- Ok, but we're trying to get out of debt. Can it wait awhile? DH- well, yeah, it can wait thanks for the reminder!

Good luck! Keep us posted!