I am need of help.. PLEASE
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| Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:45pm |
I first remember being a kid, in the Pathmark. I used to take the price stickers off the items I wanted to buy and find one that was less expensive and put it on. All my friends did it so, I thought no harm no foul. If I could get away with it that I won. I always felt like I was not the only one wanting I always had backup.
I remember wanting a shirt so bad I took quarters out of my dad’s bank, put them in plastic baggies and rode my bike to the store and paid for the shirt $10.00 in quarters.
I never stole anything until I started working in retail. It really wasn’t for me right out of high school. My friend used to come in with bags and walk out with clothes. I would ring things up and not give the customer the receipt then go back into the transaction after they left and enter a coupon… 30% in my pocket of a $100 sale was big, $30 to go out. After I got caught I vowed never to steal again. I haven’t taken any physical items, however, I have stolen the trust of my family.
Even when I was working making very good money, I was still a credit card freak. For me setting foot in a store is like an alcoholic stepping into a bar. I have always been in debt. I have always hid it. For the fear of someone not accepting who I am rather what I have. For being the “fat chick” I have always been fashionable, put together. And if I had more, people wouldn’t concentrate on my weight, but how I accessorized it. I wasn’t always fat. I think that is when I started spending money, when the boys didn’t think I was cute anymore and the weight went up so did the bills.
After we first paid off all our debts I said I would never do it again. I guess I am a liar too since I am laying it all on the table. I know my husband will never, ever trust me again and may never want to be with me again. But I guess since I have to cleanse myself of all that it bad, I have no choice but to eventually tell him I have done it again. And this time, not only have I ravaged my own name, but my parents. And this one is more serious. I may lose my freedom, and my baby.
On top of our outstanding bills, I have racked up bills under my parents. At first, I figured just for an emergency. Of course, sometimes it was. When I couldn’t pay bills, I would have to use the credit card. What else could I do? My husband was stressed out enough, I couldn’t very well tell him, “you work 16 hours a day, that just doesn’t cut it”. And yes, I could have went back to work, doing what I used to do, but I knew that would make me even more depressed… being at a job I hated and having to leave my baby, I would spend more money.
At this point, if I didn’t have my son, I would have taken some pills or taken a knife to my wrist. But I have no choice. I love him too much. So much more than myself.
Two years ago, October it was Halloween, I thought I was getting a legitimate job from home. I had no idea it was a scam. I only lost $700, but that was big. Because of that I lost my real legitimate Candle selling job. Which sucked. I could have lost much more.
My husband finds the bills; I always have a quick line to tell him about them. I don’t know if he believes me or he really wants to believe me. It’s like when my mother found my cigarettes for the first time I hid in a pocketbook, “they’re not mine”. But of course they were, whether or not I smoked them… they were mine or when the cases of beer were missing when I was in High School… I told them I had a few people over and they must have taken them… when a few people were more like 50. That has always been on my conscience.
I don’t know how I am going to pay these bills. More importantly, how to tell everyone. Now that my parents know, they have to figure this out… then I have to find a way to tell my husband what I have done. That I have ruined his life too.
This is my demon. I do try to control it. But, sometimes I can’t. I don’t know where it comes from. I am depressed and sad. I grew up in a house where yes, there was abuse, alcohol. But this I created. It’s like a monster inside me. I don’t want to live with this, but I don’t know how to reconcile this.


Welcome to the board.
First off I want to give you some hugs as I'm sure it was very hard for you to write this post.
Have you ever had the chance to journal how you are feeling, what is happening when you do this?
Becky
CL of 4th, 5th & 6th grade Scoliosis
NONE of us can do this on our own. We all need help. It sounds like you need more than your husband and family can provide, and it sounds like you are ready to reach out. Please do reach out, right away. If your husband has health insurance, it probably includes mental health counseling. Please call the number on your insurance card and ask them right away what they will cover and how you can find a counselor.
Kelly