How do I say "No" to DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
How do I say "No" to DH
16
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:03am
Help! I haven't been posting for a few days because I feel so guilty! I can't say no to my husband and it is costing us big time. DH is in the military and he put me in charge of finances because he's gone so much. Now he's in school and decided that he needed a "tablet" computer to help with school work--his PDA kept crashing. That way he could take care of the kids and do his school work at the same time. Yeah right like that's gonna happen.

Anyway, we spent almost $3000 for everything he needed for this tablet. That is in addition to the $625 painting he just had to have and he needs a new dress uniform. I say needs not wants because it is dictated to him by the military that because of his rank he will have the uniform for a spring formal. That uniform will cost us another $750. He has agreed that I am not to get him anything for Christmas. I will get him something small and wrap it up, probably from the kids just because I hate for him not to have anything to open. But, that is a whole different matter.


My problem, if I say no to what he wants I feel guilty because I am a SAHM and all of the money we have coming in is from him alone. I feel it's his money, he earns it and it isn't up to me to say no. Yes, he knows about our finaces I show him every week where we are and he knew before we walked into the store, how much we had where so it isn't a matter of him thinking we have more money than we do.

I guess this is more of a vent than anything, but any suggestions on saying no would help. I have tried just saying no in the past--but then I have to listen to him beg for months and he wears me down so I eventually give in.

Thanks for any help.

Kellie

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Avatar for mquin73
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:27am

Hi Kellie,


I know how you feel.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:01am
Hi!

I too know how that feels! With my DH it is usually hunting or car stuff. I can't name all of the times I've coaxed him out of buying cars/trucks! I also feel bad sometimes because he works hard and makes much more than I do, so I don't complain about every little thing. I now shut my mouth at Walmart when I see a can of ArmorAll and car wax in the cart EVERY time! (How fast can he go thru that stuff?) And he never says one word about what I buy since he knows I'm in charge of the bills.

A few things that work for me are to show him our budget and explain that we can be debt free (cc's) in xx amount of months and since we both want to build a new home- it will take xx years etc.....I try to get him excited.

When that doesn't work-- I put on the waterworks-- yes I cry like a baby!(I really do get that upset) I keep saying how I don't want to be poor because he's buying that (usually a vehicle) and it's worked everytime. He's an impulse buyer and I'm try to buy time for him to really think about it. And he always sees my point afterwards!


These are just things that work for me- hang in there,just don't be mean about it or he may resent you and buy things to spite you. Good luck!!

Nicki

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:45am
Funny, I had not made the connection to the MW board. I think there is a least one other of us on this board. Funny, we seem to have some of the same problems being MW. The formal uniform is his Mess Dress. DH is army and I checked with the uniform supplier (Marlow White) and they told me with the medals and everything that is the average price. They can't wear the simple ribbons that cost 90 cents each on it, they have to have the fancy ones and even at the PX they are $4.50 - $8 each and he needs at least 11 of them right now. They are the miniture versions of the actual medal (KWIM?).

I guess I shouldn't be so concerned. Our debt is nowhere near what a lot of people's is, it is just that we are looking at DD starting school next fall (private school because the schools on post here aren't DOD--they are state schools and the cirriculum doesn't look that great) along with a PCS sometime in the next year and a half and for once in my married life, I would like to be completely debt free. Hope this makes sense.

Kellie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:49am
Thanks Nicki. I don't turn on the tears because it usually upsets the kids. I have learned with my DH he got so tired of me saying no, he no longer brings up things until he has made up his mind that x is what he needs. He has actually been thinking about the tablet computer for several weeks. He said he thinks things through so he can present his ideas to me after careful thought because he used to be a bad impulse shopper.


Hopefully this will be the last thing I have to say no to for awhile.

Kellie

Thanks for not making me feel alone out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-1999
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:24pm
I just have to jump in here because I hear what everyone is saying. I've been married 21 years and we have purchased 3 brand new boats, 2 brand new motorcycles (1 for son, 1 for DH) umpteen vehicles etc!! I have a hard time telling my DH no as well. He works hard on the road (construction) and so I always think he sacrifices being away from home so he should be able to get what he wants. But if we didn't keep buying all of this stuff he wouldn't need to work on the road. Anyway we have been doing the Dave Ramsey debt snowball and had his pickup 15,000 and student loan for our son 11,000 left. We both make great $, then he decides he wants a $7500 4 wheeler. We had about $3100 we could put down on it and so I couldn't say no. He had back surgery in January, back to work in March and 4 weeks after we purchased the 4 wheeler he re-herniated the disk he had surgery on. He is back to work, but for a while was thinking he would find some other line of work...I NEVER would have agreed to the 4 wheeler if he was going to have to find some other line of work...that was just irresponsible! We both should have known better, we are attacking the 4 wheeler debt and then onto the pickup, but we would have been way further along without the 4 wheeler. I guess I've rambled long enough...but you young ones need to work together, get out of debt have some savings and then start treating yourself but only use cash!!! We are getting there but we are SLOW learners.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:11pm
Kellie,

I didn't read the other replies, but I had this same problem. I would tell my (now ex) husband that we didn't have money for birthday presents, or should skip christmas presents for each other, and that I would be happy to forgo those so we could get credit cards on track... and he'd pout and mope until I felt so guilty I'd go spend $600 for a new power tool. When he graduated he needed a car (we only had one and I used it to get to work). It was a need, no doubt about it. No available public transportion for either of us, and we could not carpool. We could not get a car loan because of bad credit. The bad news is, we put in an a credit card using a cash advance - the highest possible interest rate. I paid the minimum for two years and then we separated, sold the house, and paid it in full. Bad story with a bad ending, isn't it?

Here is what I would do if I were you. If you can't say no, don't. Put it on a spreadsheet with the amount he wants to charge, or has charged in the last month, and show him with the current interest rate (I'm assuming all those purchases were on a credit card) and how long it will be before it's paid off, and what the total paid will be. I wrote a post on how to do a debt amortization schedule under the "online calculators" thread if you don't know how to do this. I just ran it, and $3,000 on a credit card at 14%, if you made a $50 per month minimum payment would be paid in 104 months (more than 8 1/2 years) and in the end you would have paid $5,189 for it. If instead you paid $100 per month, you'd pay it off in 37 months (3 years) and you'd end up paying $3,713. My formula is simple, and does not assume interest on the average monthly balance, so it could be a little off, but it's close enough.

So instead of saying no, ask him how you are going to get an extra $100 per month to pay for it for the next 3 years and if he thinks it's worth $3,700 instead of the mere $3,000 he thought you were paying.

Set up a system so before big purchases, you sit down together and discuss how something will be paid, over what time frame, and at what cost before you walk into the store together. That way it's not always him asking and you having to deny him (which leads to pouting and resentment).

Then work on values. You will spend less if you value inexpensive, low tech options rather than high tech off the shelf ones. People went to school for ages and managed to learn great things without a PDA or a tablet (I really don't even know what a tablet is, some kind of mini laptop I'm guessing). Value a home made picnic lunch on the living room floor rather than eating out at a restaurant. Value getting friends together to trade hand-me-downs rather than shopping.

All this is easier said than done, I know. I am working on it myself. And the tablet is already purchased, so use it as a lesson learned. But try to get to the point across to him now, have him learn the lesson with you, so that next time he needs (wants) something you'll remember the extra $100 your paying on the tablet each month and realize that is the reason you have to wait on other purchases.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:32pm

t09w,


To be honest with you, I used to be in your position where my husband would want to buy everything that we didn't need.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 6:53pm
I just hope you aren't charging everything and if so, hope its not all in your name. My friends husband pouts every week for something different he has to have. They charged until they couldn't charge anymore, then couldn't afford the payments because of her job/income change. They quit paying most of their bills, both of their credits now past bad, they are filing bankru. this month. Even let their house go and are renting. This is because the husband was selfish, couldn't buy just one dvd, had to buy five that day (example)and she was not very bright by giving in to him and in the end having her good credit destroyed. They also have two children. She at one time was going to leave him, he is always playing a guilt game with her. She now doesn't even have any good credit to fall back on to leave. I'm sure her situation is different than what everyone here is going through, I just want to show you what can happen. And as for you being a sahm, you deserve more money than he could ever bring in for that job!!!
Avatar for mquin73
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:32pm

Oh I see.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:59pm
I just want to second the comment that the money is not *his* just because he's the one to whom the paycheck is written. You are the one taking the daily responsibility for the precious children you both brought into this world. Your career is every bit as important as your husband's.

As a sahm myself, I see my current career as a multi-level manager. I manage the raising of our children, I manage the (mostly) smooth operations of our home, and I manage the finacial side of our endeavor together as well. That includes not only the budgeting, but also finding the best way to stretch our income--buying food at the lowest cost possible, cooking from scratch instead of convenience foods and eating out, finding bargains on second-hand items, researching the best values on items that have to be purchased new, and so on. Think of it this way--if your dh were to hire someone to do all that you do, would his income even cover your monthly expenses? A private cook, a nanny, a housekeeper, and a financial manager. That's four salaries. Oh, and that doesn't even count the private grocery-shopper, laundress, errand-runner, and holiday gift-shopper that dh doesn't have to hire.

So, your first step in saying "no" is recognizing that the income is not *his.* It is *yours* plural (i.e., yours and his). After that--well, it can be a long process. I've had the same problem just because I like to see dh happy--and buying makes him (temporarily) happy. But you've gotten lots of good advice on that measure, so I'm sure you can do it.

Good luck and blessings,

Heather

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