How do I say "No" to DH
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| Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:03am |
Anyway, we spent almost $3000 for everything he needed for this tablet. That is in addition to the $625 painting he just had to have and he needs a new dress uniform. I say needs not wants because it is dictated to him by the military that because of his rank he will have the uniform for a spring formal. That uniform will cost us another $750. He has agreed that I am not to get him anything for Christmas. I will get him something small and wrap it up, probably from the kids just because I hate for him not to have anything to open. But, that is a whole different matter.
My problem, if I say no to what he wants I feel guilty because I am a SAHM and all of the money we have coming in is from him alone. I feel it's his money, he earns it and it isn't up to me to say no. Yes, he knows about our finaces I show him every week where we are and he knew before we walked into the store, how much we had where so it isn't a matter of him thinking we have more money than we do.
I guess this is more of a vent than anything, but any suggestions on saying no would help. I have tried just saying no in the past--but then I have to listen to him beg for months and he wears me down so I eventually give in.
Thanks for any help.
Kellie

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Hi Kellie,
I know how you feel.
I too know how that feels! With my DH it is usually hunting or car stuff. I can't name all of the times I've coaxed him out of buying cars/trucks! I also feel bad sometimes because he works hard and makes much more than I do, so I don't complain about every little thing. I now shut my mouth at Walmart when I see a can of ArmorAll and car wax in the cart EVERY time! (How fast can he go thru that stuff?) And he never says one word about what I buy since he knows I'm in charge of the bills.
A few things that work for me are to show him our budget and explain that we can be debt free (cc's) in xx amount of months and since we both want to build a new home- it will take xx years etc.....I try to get him excited.
When that doesn't work-- I put on the waterworks-- yes I cry like a baby!(I really do get that upset) I keep saying how I don't want to be poor because he's buying that (usually a vehicle) and it's worked everytime. He's an impulse buyer and I'm try to buy time for him to really think about it. And he always sees my point afterwards!
These are just things that work for me- hang in there,just don't be mean about it or he may resent you and buy things to spite you. Good luck!!
Nicki
I guess I shouldn't be so concerned. Our debt is nowhere near what a lot of people's is, it is just that we are looking at DD starting school next fall (private school because the schools on post here aren't DOD--they are state schools and the cirriculum doesn't look that great) along with a PCS sometime in the next year and a half and for once in my married life, I would like to be completely debt free. Hope this makes sense.
Kellie
Hopefully this will be the last thing I have to say no to for awhile.
Kellie
Thanks for not making me feel alone out there.
I didn't read the other replies, but I had this same problem. I would tell my (now ex) husband that we didn't have money for birthday presents, or should skip christmas presents for each other, and that I would be happy to forgo those so we could get credit cards on track... and he'd pout and mope until I felt so guilty I'd go spend $600 for a new power tool. When he graduated he needed a car (we only had one and I used it to get to work). It was a need, no doubt about it. No available public transportion for either of us, and we could not carpool. We could not get a car loan because of bad credit. The bad news is, we put in an a credit card using a cash advance - the highest possible interest rate. I paid the minimum for two years and then we separated, sold the house, and paid it in full. Bad story with a bad ending, isn't it?
Here is what I would do if I were you. If you can't say no, don't. Put it on a spreadsheet with the amount he wants to charge, or has charged in the last month, and show him with the current interest rate (I'm assuming all those purchases were on a credit card) and how long it will be before it's paid off, and what the total paid will be. I wrote a post on how to do a debt amortization schedule under the "online calculators" thread if you don't know how to do this. I just ran it, and $3,000 on a credit card at 14%, if you made a $50 per month minimum payment would be paid in 104 months (more than 8 1/2 years) and in the end you would have paid $5,189 for it. If instead you paid $100 per month, you'd pay it off in 37 months (3 years) and you'd end up paying $3,713. My formula is simple, and does not assume interest on the average monthly balance, so it could be a little off, but it's close enough.
So instead of saying no, ask him how you are going to get an extra $100 per month to pay for it for the next 3 years and if he thinks it's worth $3,700 instead of the mere $3,000 he thought you were paying.
Set up a system so before big purchases, you sit down together and discuss how something will be paid, over what time frame, and at what cost before you walk into the store together. That way it's not always him asking and you having to deny him (which leads to pouting and resentment).
Then work on values. You will spend less if you value inexpensive, low tech options rather than high tech off the shelf ones. People went to school for ages and managed to learn great things without a PDA or a tablet (I really don't even know what a tablet is, some kind of mini laptop I'm guessing). Value a home made picnic lunch on the living room floor rather than eating out at a restaurant. Value getting friends together to trade hand-me-downs rather than shopping.
All this is easier said than done, I know. I am working on it myself. And the tablet is already purchased, so use it as a lesson learned. But try to get to the point across to him now, have him learn the lesson with you, so that next time he needs (wants) something you'll remember the extra $100 your paying on the tablet each month and realize that is the reason you have to wait on other purchases.
t09w,
To be honest with you, I used to be in your position where my husband would want to buy everything that we didn't need.
Oh I see.
As a sahm myself, I see my current career as a multi-level manager. I manage the raising of our children, I manage the (mostly) smooth operations of our home, and I manage the finacial side of our endeavor together as well. That includes not only the budgeting, but also finding the best way to stretch our income--buying food at the lowest cost possible, cooking from scratch instead of convenience foods and eating out, finding bargains on second-hand items, researching the best values on items that have to be purchased new, and so on. Think of it this way--if your dh were to hire someone to do all that you do, would his income even cover your monthly expenses? A private cook, a nanny, a housekeeper, and a financial manager. That's four salaries. Oh, and that doesn't even count the private grocery-shopper, laundress, errand-runner, and holiday gift-shopper that dh doesn't have to hire.
So, your first step in saying "no" is recognizing that the income is not *his.* It is *yours* plural (i.e., yours and his). After that--well, it can be a long process. I've had the same problem just because I like to see dh happy--and buying makes him (temporarily) happy. But you've gotten lots of good advice on that measure, so I'm sure you can do it.
Good luck and blessings,
Heather
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