How do I say "No" to DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
How do I say "No" to DH
16
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:03am
Help! I haven't been posting for a few days because I feel so guilty! I can't say no to my husband and it is costing us big time. DH is in the military and he put me in charge of finances because he's gone so much. Now he's in school and decided that he needed a "tablet" computer to help with school work--his PDA kept crashing. That way he could take care of the kids and do his school work at the same time. Yeah right like that's gonna happen.

Anyway, we spent almost $3000 for everything he needed for this tablet. That is in addition to the $625 painting he just had to have and he needs a new dress uniform. I say needs not wants because it is dictated to him by the military that because of his rank he will have the uniform for a spring formal. That uniform will cost us another $750. He has agreed that I am not to get him anything for Christmas. I will get him something small and wrap it up, probably from the kids just because I hate for him not to have anything to open. But, that is a whole different matter.


My problem, if I say no to what he wants I feel guilty because I am a SAHM and all of the money we have coming in is from him alone. I feel it's his money, he earns it and it isn't up to me to say no. Yes, he knows about our finaces I show him every week where we are and he knew before we walked into the store, how much we had where so it isn't a matter of him thinking we have more money than we do.

I guess this is more of a vent than anything, but any suggestions on saying no would help. I have tried just saying no in the past--but then I have to listen to him beg for months and he wears me down so I eventually give in.

Thanks for any help.

Kellie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:53am
Hi Kellie.

I too am an Army wife. I can so relate to your dh needing this that and the other! It seems we spend money on dhs needs more than my own right now. Does your dh know anyone who is getting out of the army and that is close to his size, maybe they have a uniform they are wanting to get rid of. Usually there is a surplus store that sells used military stuff near the base. Or at least in my 6yrs of being married to the Army we've always found one near by. I know this isnt a great suggestion but do y'all have a Star card? I know there is UCDPP(military clothing) and regualr retail with that card. It's basically a credit card but can only be used on military installations at the PX, shoppette, and military clothing store. I know when we dont have the money in our regular accts and dh is needing something military we will put it on his ucdpp and it'll get paid at the first of the month. And then when he gets his clothing allowance that all goes toward the card. Well I hope I helped some. Take care

DaniBelle
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:12pm
Now, this might be a touchy subject, but I think part of the problem comes from definitions of what a person's role in a *family* and a *marriage* are supposed to be. By my definition (and DH's), we are a family unit, and the family and the marriage come before our individual needs and wants. That includes money. It doesn't matter whose name is on the paycheck, the money belongs to the FAMILY first, including the children. Anything that comes out of it for each person has to be fair to the family.

So in our family, that money your husband is making would NOT be his money, it would be OUR money. And I can say that very affirmatively because in our family, I am the one who earns the money. DH works on the weekend, making one-twentieth of what I make, and the rest of the week is a full-time SAHD. He only started working a year ago because we really needed the money, and before that he earned no money whatsoever for 8 years.

Now, my marriage is not your marriage, but maybe if you look at this situation a little differently, as more than a money issue, you'll find it easier to say no - not to a uniform that he is required to have for his job, but to "wanna-haves." Me, I have difficulty saying no because I think DH works much harder than I do and has a much tougher life, emotionally speaking, than I do. I also have no trouble telling him, if he spends money on tennis equipment without asking first (I do manage the money), that now that that money is gone, he'll have to figure out how he's going to feed the family on $80 less this month. Yes, we have had some tough conversations, including one where I told him that I needed a *partner* in managing our money, not another child, but our marriage is stronger because we both clearly know what our financial situation and goals are. I know this might be unusual, and not everyone is going to be comfortable going this route, but it's better than watching him siphon away *our* income on his own pursuits. And, BTW, it forced me to realize that I was doing some of the same thing and rationalizing some of my expenses as "necessary" - which might even be worse because I'm the one controlling the money! - so it made me take more ownership of our situation, too.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:28pm
I had to laugh about the slow learners comment-Yep, sounds familiar-but now as much so since last Christmas when all I wanted was to go through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University classes.

I'm the main money manager for us too, but I tell you what-if an unexpected purchase comes up, I just hand him the budget forms and tell him that he has to shuffle the numbers around until he can figure out a way to make it all balance to zero again.

We are on a pretty much all-cash basis, but we've gotten lazy the last couple of months. We divide up the cash into the different envelopes, and once those are empty, that's it. It's made for some, um, creative shuffling, lol! Once of the categories that is VERY VERY important to our sanity is the "Blow" category. That's an amount that each of us gets that we can spend HOWEVER we want to, without having to explain why. DH's mainly goes towards pop from the gas station (which used to drive me crazy) and other miscellaneous. The good thing about the personal walking around money is that it can be saved until the longed-for toy can be bought. And, I have to say, sometimes by the time we can buy it with cash, we don't want it anymore...

This is a hard thing to do, I understand. But, if it's causing you this much heartache, it can't be ignored. If you don't stick to your guns about it, it will only fester and get worse. Good luck to you-

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:53pm
Hey, how can you be married to my husband when he is married to me? :) Girl you do sound like my twin. I have finally just told dh no. If he wants to get a car next year, we only have one vehicle, he needs to quit spending money so I can pay off these bills and have the money for his car. And I totally understand where you are coming from with the military. Dh is army and it seems like he is constantly having to buy one thing or another for it. He is TDY right now and none of the extra money has kicked in so I'm trying to pay the bills, get food, etc and make sure he has enough money to eat and get his necessities. Trust me I understand!. If you would like to email me to vent my address is domal02@yahoo.com.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 11:05pm
do you post on the MW board also. I think I recognize your screen name. I think what people who aren't in the military don't understand sometimes is that in order to keep up with the ever changing technology the army and the rest of the DOD uses, sometimes you have to buy things yourself. If you wait for the military to issue it, it will be obsolete and they will be onto the next latest and greatest.

In defense of DH, the tablet computer he bought, he thought long and hard about before mentioning it to me. We went over his options together and decided this was the best thing for him at this time. He is kicking himself because he just bought a laptop in June and now we essentially have two laptops--just one smaller than the other. He needs a laptop so he can do his Army school work as well as his master's school work (the army is paying for the masters, all we have to pay for is books and half.com on ebay has great prices). He needed the smaller one because he doesn't have enough space at his desk in his class room for the one he already had. All is not lost though. We are going to give his mother our PC and I am going to use the big laptop.

I am not trying to justify to anyone DH's purchase. I am trying to explain the thought process. I made the orginal post when I was still in shock from spending the money. We will get back on track with debt reduction and our budget, and this purchase will only put us one month behind in our debt free date. The good thing is is DH has relieved me of all responsibilty for buying him a Christmas gift.

He can't buy me a Christmas gift this year unless he wants egg nog thrown at him. By Christmas I will be 7 months pregnant and he usually buys me clothes--something he better not do this year LOL.

Thanks everyone for your great advice and support. That's why I love this board.

Kellie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 5:02pm
Yes I post on the MW board.

When he first joined, I thought they would give everything he needed to him. lol I guess I found out didn't I? Its frustrating and makes me want to scream.

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