New here and need to vent (long)
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:04am |
I started dating my boyfriend in 1995. He had 3 kids which I love dearly. In 1998 I moved in with him. By 2001 I was not happy with the relationship so I decided to look for my own house to buy. I had NO debt (except for some taxes I owed the govt for my business) I had $35,000 in the bank ($17,000 from a car accident and the rest I saved to be able to purchase a house) I didnt tell him my plan to move out because I thought it would make things difficult between us until I actually moved and I waited to tell him. In 2001 as I was about to close on my house he came home and told me he got laid off with the rest of his group.
I didnt tell him about the house yet cause I was in shock and didnt know what to do. Two of his 3 children were living with us and I felt like I'd be kicking him when he was down. So....I bought my house and stayed with him until he could find a job and I helped him pay the bills. Well, about 18 months later I was at the end of my rope. He went to a tech school to learn something new but I was literally hanging on by a thread because he couldnt find anything in his field and he wasnt looking in any other field, he was depressed and drinking too much and we really werent getting along. I did tell him I had gotten myself another place and moved my stuff from storage into this new place I got. He didnt say much cause he knew things werent right between us. In 1993 one night we had a fight and I moved out. Two days later a friend offered him a job making twice the amount he was making at his other job.
Needless to say, my business had a hard time supporting his home, my home and my business for 18 months. He paid the mortgage on his house, his cell phone, and his insurances and I covered all the rest, gas, electric, phone, water, sewer, food, kids clothes (most of them) and all the small stuff kids need. And now Im in way over my head!! I HAD NO DEBT!! I could kick myself for letting this happen to me.
We live in separate houses but I still see him regularly. I do resent the fact that I have all this debt which he knows about but has not offered to help me with it. He told me when he first got his job if there was anything I ever needed I could come to him because I was there for him and he appreciates everything I did. He knows he would have lost the house without me. He offered to LEND me $2000 9 months ago and I have paid back $700. He is able to save about $1000 a month. Do you have any idea how much this burns me?????
Am I an idiot or what? This is the only time in my life I would want to go back and change things.
Anyway, I am so happy I found this board. Everyone is so helpful and full of great ideas and support. I dont follow message boards at all but this one is definetly a good thing I came across. Thanks for listening and sorry it was so long.

Then settle the debts between you. Pay what you agreed to borrow, and hopefully he will agree to compensate you some. Then walk away from the relationship. Yes, it may have been a mistake to go into debt for him, but you were doing what you thought was right. And you had a good heart doing it.
Are you paying your debts down now?
Welcome to the board!
Some of life's best lessons are its most expensive ones.
All my best,
Danni
I too have some leftover debt from an 'expensive mistake' like that, just not on a huge scale. The only advice I'd have for that is to either try and get him to pay some, or walk away from him and accept that you are responsible for paying it all. Neither choice is easy.
One of the most important things is to sit down and figure out where exactly you stand. It's scary, and not fun, but when you have the whole picture in front of you is when you can effectively start hammering away at the debt. Line them up in order from smallest to biggest, and go after that smallest one.
You can do this-you were debt free once, you can defintely get there again!
~Lisa
Im affraid if I ask for 3-4000 dollars he will be put off. Well I guess I will take is one step at a time.
At times (lately) Ive felt more resentful because he keeps talking about all the things he's planning to buy in the next couple of months like a new concrete driveway, TV, bike, fishing trip for 3 days etc. Last month was my birthday and he said he couldnt afford a birthday present for me because we went to Mystic Seaport in August. He paid for the hotel($600)and the bill came in. He never said the trip was my present and it was the first time in the 9 years we've been together he paid for a trip for me.
Anyway, he's cheap or thrifty, however you prefer to look at it,but he's very loving and affectionate. I guess you cant have everything.
Thanks for the words everyone! This is a great board!
HUGS!!!
Becky
CL of 4th, 5th & 6th grade Scoliosis
Why don't you work up (on a spreadsheet) what you think he ought to pay you for the period when you were supporting two households. Then don't ask him to 'give' you more than that amount. Tell him how you've been feeling, that you helped him when he was down, and how much you would appreciate him reciprocating. Tell him you wouldn't even ask if you weren't in so much financial trouble, just like he would never have had you pay all his bills except he was in financial trouble too. Tell him you feel that you don't want to take more than you gave, and show him how much you gave (for his mortgage payment, food, kids clothes, etc.).
I'm also thinking that although you are feeling resentful (certainly understandable in this case) you are also not very good at telling him what's going through your mind. He can't do what you want if you never tell him what you want (repayment for your past generosity). I could be wrong, but it's how it seems to me from reading your posts.
I gotta disagree with you on this one-
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Yes, you can have it all. it sounds like you're feeling resentful that he helped get you in all this debt, but isn't helping you get back out. It may be that he thought that what you did was a 'gift' to him, but doesn't feel the desire to 'gift' you back, or doesn't know that's what you want to have happen. You may get a "No" answer if you tell him about how you feel about this, but at least it will be out on the table and things clear between you.
I'm not trying to be mean about this all-I really have been there done that, and the only way that I finally got some peace about the whole thing was to realize that the debt was MINE in the end, and that I had to pay it off-no help was going to ever come from him. The guy that I was involved with wasn't worth all the time I spent resenting the fact that I got left holding a tremendous amount of debt. I think that unless you stated that it wasn't a gift, that is was a loan, you may have to write it off as a loss.
I wish you the best here-it doesn't sound like an easy time for you.
Lisa
I pretty much have written it off as fully my responsibility. I should have told him at the time I was helping him that is was a loan or had some kind of agreement about the whole thing. We learn from our mistakes. And this was the biggest Ive ever made. I do still feel resentful at times but it doesnt really get in the way of our relationship. Im not a grudge kind of a person. I just had to vent about it to people who understand what its like to have a financial weight on their shoulders.
Since I found this board (last week) Im amazed at how much more in control of this debt I feel! I finally feel it is in my power to eliminate my debt quickly. I have come up with $3000 in front of me that I can pay on my credit card that I wasnt seeing. Well I wasnt seeing it to be used as debt paying money. It was safety money. Now I see that by putting it on my credit cards its still safety money. And it gives me great internal energy to know Im working quickly toward paying off my debt.
I LOVE THIS BOARD!!!