spending - an emotional bandage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
spending - an emotional bandage
2
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 1:03am

my first debt symptoms fluctuated out of control after my first boyfriend and I broke up

i took a trip to thailand to clear my head. i had enough saved for the trip, but not the ticket.

it took me the better part of a year to clear it up.

then, i started dating my second boyfriend, and this made me extremely poor. i moved to sweden to be with him therefore totally destroying any plausible adult earning potential -- i was an immigrant, i couldn't speak the language, and not educated within their system.

moving to tokyo just made it worse. we were poor and I'd buy groceries on credit card occasionally. not to mention the other debts from long distance phone calls between him and i during our months apart. by the time i got a well paying job my 2nd b/f had left the country and I had no more impetus to stay.

then i put my cell on credit card and i think it rocketed then. that and those stupid internet plans which didn't cancel when I had intended to.

when my second boyfriend broke up with me I was hollow with grief. i went to Sweden and lived there while I tried to work things out with him -- again not working, and wiping out any savings i had ~$3,000

we got back together again, and i was in limbo wondering if i was moving back to Sweden again, not getting a full time job. even now i'm still temping.

for four years i never had a full time job.

then we broke up last january.

my debt skyrocketed after moving to New York, it went from 4,000 to 6,000, and now I'm at 13,000 of credit card debt.

i'm earning much more than I did before (unemployed previously), but the cost of living is high, granted, but in other ways I realize that I use spending to make myself feel better about the break up.

i am so taut with grief that I keep trying to buy myself treats to fix my self-esteem.

buy a new jacket, buy some gourmet chocolate. it's true treating yourself well should be part of everyone's life, but many times I have wondered why sadness = consumerism.

i think if i can find a better way to think about myself, that my sadness doesn't need to mean financial destructiveness, the debt part will be a lot easier, because it won't be about money meaning that i'm valuable.

in other ways i feel like it's punishing myself. I would always save with my 2nd b/f because we looked forward to a future with many beautiful things in it, like a home together, and a beautiful small wedding in the countryside.

without the relationship, I don't feel like saving. something inside me tells me that I don't think I'm worth that future without him.

it makes me sad to write this out, but it's cathartic at the same time.

thank you so much for your support.

i need to work through this before i can really effectively get out my dangerous debt habits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 8:56am
I think a lot of us shop to make ourselves feel better. What I've done is try to get to a point where having some cushion in the bank makes me feel better. Paying down on my credit cards makes me feel better. Feeling financially secure feels good. If you make debt free and financial security your goals, you will be in a much better place when the next relationship comes along.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:01am

Hi there and thanks for posting.

All my best,
Danni