Help! DH is driving me crazy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Help! DH is driving me crazy!
7
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 2:44pm

I need some serious advice. My DH is driving me bonkers. I can't go to the store with him without him going overboard. I have tried making a list and getting us to both stick with it to no avail.

When I go to the store, be it the grocery store, Wal-Mart, Toys R Us, whatever, I make a list and stick with it. It seems when my DH goes with me more winds up in the cart and I tell him "that was $25 (or whatever amount) that I wasn't planning on spending."

A good example is yesterday. We went to Wal-Mart to get DH a soft-sided lunch box he can throw in his backpack. Well we weren't in the door two minutes when things started getting thrown in the cart. First it was state maps of Kansas and Missouri (we live on the border), then it was gum, then it was slippers for the kids (DS won't wear them and DD has a perfectly good pair--so they weren't really needed) then he cruised the electronics dept (thank goodness he didn't find anything there). About this time DD started throwing a fit because she wanted a Disney Princess camera (I told her Santa Claus may put one in her stocking) and then she wanted a Mickey Mouse Christmas DVD. She also thought she needed a "surprise." You see, everytime we go into a store DH always promises a surprise if she behaves. She is almost 5 years old, I have never promised her a surprise for behaving, I think she is old enough to behave without being bribed. However, as we were leaving DH picked up a $2 toy for her as her "surprise" and said it was cheaper than the camera she wanted. What should have been a $4 trip, ending up costing $25 and I told DH that. He responded with he needed everything he got. Yeah right (sorry for the sarcasm).

I have tried explaining how those $2 items add up and how just throwing things in the cart willy-nilly add to the money we have going out, but he won't listen.

God forbid we go to Best Buy or Toys R Us. What should be a $20 stop has run us to almost $200 and he doesn't seem to care. I often joke my grocery bill can be $50 to $100 higher if he goes with me. I say it half in jest, but even he admits it's true.

Any advice?

I have tried saying no and have discussions with him in the store, before we go to the store and after we leave the store, but he just pouts and carries on with "Fine, I'll take it back." He knows where we are budget wise, because I go over the budget with him twice a month.

Help!
Kellie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 3:21pm

I hate the pouting. My ex did this and I would break down every time. We are divorced now. My therapist thinks we had evolved into a mother-teenager relationship. I was in charge and he didn't take responsibility. He pouted and I caved. Really, should a husband be pouting to get what he wants, and why should the wife be the one to make the ultimate decision herself? Basically he tried to run the family into the ground financially and I took all the blame because I was supposed to be the responsible one.

So my first advice to you is marriage counseling.

My second advice, and something I read in some post on here, is that you set a budget based on what comes in and what has to go out, and you sound like you are already doing this. You know when you walk into the store you have $xx to spend. So have your budget handy and if he wants to spend an extra $50, he has to choose what other budget item will be reduced by $50. Will it be $50 less at the grocery store that pay period? Will it be no eating out that week? Make him decide what the family will give up so he can buy dd a spare set of slippers. Or take cash with you to the store, and have a list so if there are things he wants but was not planned for that trip, you can keep them on a list, budget for them, and buy them next time.

Past that, you should both be involved in making the families financial decisions. It only takes one to balance the checkbook, but it takes both of you to decide how much you are going to save for the kids college, or if you'd rather blow that all on surprises at toys r us. Unless you are like me and you end up divorced, and you know that your ex will never be responsible with money, and then saving for the children's college is all up to you. In the divorce we agreed to each share her college expenses but what do you think the odds are that when she graduates he's going to have any money saved? Zippo chance. He doesn't have any money to buy her clothes or share the expense of a gymnastics class, but somehow he does have the money to buy her plenty of toys. He can't say no to her just like he can't say no to himself. I shouldn't be so harsh on him, I used to be like that to but we are adults now, I grew up and it's time he grew up too. It sounds like your dh needs to do the same.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 3:46pm

I whole-heartedly agree with the previous poster that counseling is a really, really good idea. I wish we had done some of that when we hit hard times--we managed without it, but I think life would have been easier and happier, and we would have gotten through the hard times faster with it. And some people don't make it through.

In the meantime, I suggest the short-term band-aid solution of not taking him with you. Plan your outings for times when you know he won't be available so you don't have to explain to him why he can't come.

And yes, 5 years old is old enough to "behave" without treats, for goodness sake. Well, I'm a little opinionated on this, but, frankly, I believe two months is old enough to "behave" without treats. So is 39 or however old your husband is, though he apparently hasn't learned this! LOL Really, children should behave because they respect their parents and wish to be respected, not because they are going to get a two-dollar toy out of it. That having been said, my oldest has occasionally pitched a fit at the store. I simply stand by and wait till he's done, and we go on. He learns very quickly that the fit gets him nothing, and it happens so rarely I can't remember the last time he did more than whine briefly (and I mean briefly) over something he wanted but couldn't have at the store. And all it costs me is a few stares from onlookers once in a while. He does get treats sometimes, and the way we deal with that is he gets a $1 "allowance" each week. He gets it in quarters, and if he keeps track of his quarters, remembers to bring them (I do remind him when I remember, but it is primarily his responsibility), he can use them for whatever he wants in the store as long as he has enough. He can also save it up and buy something bigger another time. He's not quite four, and this works quite well. I make sure his item is rung up separately, he gives the money to the cashier himself, and receives his receipt and his change, which he can save for the next trip or put in his piggy bank.

Please don't think I'm trying to suggest that I have it all figured out and that our trips to the store are always peaceful and easy. I have my share of parenting challenges, and we have had our share of issues that I haven't had a clue how to deal with. But this is one that I think works very well for us.

Another thought that occurs to me is that your husband is teaching your daughter exactly the lesson you'd like him to un-learn for himself. That he deserves treats just for being civil, that $2 is "small," that every trip to the store results in fun purchases for everyone involved, that if she throws a fit or pouts (like he does) people will buy her things. The makings of a compulsive spending nightmare! LOL

I think the way you're handling it is great. I have had similar issues with my dh in the past, and we have come a long, long way. He actually washes out ziploc baggies for re-use, and saves veggie scraps for broth right along with me. He tells me not to run out for an item when he can make do. And he is magic with leftovers. But we used to have the same issue with him wanting wanting wanting and me not being able to say no. You'll need to learn to say no. He'll need to learn not to ask. Counseling can help!

Good luck and blessings,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 3:50pm

My advice is to get him more involved in the budgeting. Put him in charge of some of the household bills that need to be paid. Go over your budgets together weekly. Hold him accountable, and don't bail him out. Lead by example.

More advice - leave him home. Next time he pouts, laugh right at him. You wanted advice, not sympathy, right? ;-)

Hang in there!

Lee Ann

Lee Ann

www.werenotafraid.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:29pm
I think shopping with cash only will work wonders here. Agree on the amount prior to going to the store. And i agree with the others....buying something for your five year old once in awhile is no big deal...buying something everytime, if she behaves isn't such a great idea. I will occasionally buy my girls (5 and 7) a Hersheys bar to share if they are good in the store, but not everytime, not even half the time. And because my younger daughter has autism (and because of this a very hard time accepting no), I actually did a therapy program with her where I would take her past things she wanted and when she asked for them I would tell her no. It ended up with a lot of SCREAMING for the first dozen times, but even she is ok with no most of the time now, so it was worth it. In the real world, you don't always get everything you want, right?? A good lesson at any age!!! Another thing that can cause problems with spending is the act of going shopping on or near payday. See if you can plan your trips 4-5 days later, and by that time, the bills will already be paid and there won't be as much money sitting in the bank account tempting him to spend. I don't know what else to suggest...sounds like he has a seiour case of feeling entitled to everything!!! Good luck, Heather
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 3:00pm

I have to say I agree with you. My dad tried to "buy" my brother and I's favoritism in light of their divorce. I was always a compassionate child and had learned the meaning of a dollar very young due to being poor. However with my brother being the "boy" he was spoiled from day one. At a book fair he wanted a third book when my mom had said only two were allowed to each of us. My dad was there (I think we had teacher conferences or something and the book fair was that week) he got so mad at my mom and said it only costs $2! She said yeah $2 today $20 in 2 years, $200 in 5 years and $2000 by the time he is 16. My dad rolled his eyes and bought him the book. My dad is financially very stabel now and my little bother is now 17 and guess what, he has 3, count them 3 cars, two trucks and a comaro. None he paid for or pays insurance for. Me I got a cavalier that was the same age I was and I paid every penny of the increase on our insurance that adding me on caused. Granted my bother does work for the family for free whenever needed. He works very hard. But he does think that when he asks for something he desrves to get, which he always does get it. Like the 9,000 custom rifle that was bought for him recently. He does run our family's gun club so having a gun is justified it is for sports only.

So to Kellie let him know what kind of pattern he is setting for his reletionship for him and his daughter. Not to mention she'll carry that lesson into her marriage someday as well as you usually releate to your to spouse in the same way as you did with the parent of the oppisite sex. As for a quick fix to your problem only take the amount of cash into the store that you have to spend. Leave all other forms of money at home not even in the car, that way it is impossible for him to spend any more money than needed. I use this trick on myself as I have the tendency to buy things that I wasn't planning on.

Jessi

Jessi

Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 8:23pm
My dh thinks when we go to the store he needs to buy stuff not on the list also. I tell him no. If he gets huffy with me, I tell him just because you make the money does not mean you can spend the money. You have a wife and two kids to support. Its not YOUR money, its OURS. He is the one who incurred most of our debt (not all, I will cut him a break) and if he wants something, then he can get it when we get out of debt. I just don't think it fair that I go without my wants cause I am trying to do my part to pull us out of debt while he gets to have his wants. Not fair and doesn't stand with me.
I go shopping without dh. For some reason when we get groceries together, he always has the munchies, so he wants this and that and I never buy this and that. No junk food, no microvable food, no anything that isn't on my list. I will occasionally but its very rare for me to buy something not on my list, unless I need it and forgot to add it on and remember when I see the item lol. That happened this week.
I hope you can sit down and talk to him and he understands what you are trying to say. It may not be easy but I hope he sees your point and stops the compulsive spending.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 5:11pm

I'm so late in this thread! LOL

My first thought when reading the initial post was "Let him pout." Seriously that's what I do. My husband is so like that. My first step was to tell him flat out that he couldn't go to the store with me. Now DH is an aspiring Chef so the grocery store is full of horrible temptations for him. But I just laid down the law and said no, going alone. And it worked. But it worked in a different way than I expected. He enjoys grocery shopping so when he saw I meant business about no extra spending he agreed to stop throwing stuff in the cart. And for the most part he does well. Every now and then though he will throw stuff in. That's when I just have to say no...or we talk about what we can put back to pay for whatever he's wanting. He rarely pouts anymore. The other thing I've done with him is to involve him in the meal planning. When I set up the shopping list he looks at what meals we have already and we talk about what to make. It's helped a lot.

Shoot - I have more to say but the kids just woke up.