Glad I found this group! (Long)
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| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 12:26pm |
My name is Patty, and I'm 32, married 12 years on the 19th of this month, and boy, did I mess up with my family's finances. I'm the one who pays the bills in our house, and for the 3rd time, I've run our credit card up to almost 10K. The first two times, my husband was less than happy, understandably, so this time I was afraid to tell him what I'd done. We have never been late in our payments, and our credit is good....it's just this crazy card. I just buy things I don't need...new products in the grocery store, trips to the movies, DVDs, etc. Just stuff. And I'd shuffle money between accounts (usually our checking and my hubby's work account where his expense reports are paid from) to make sure nothing bounced, and then repay the money to the account I'd taken money from once my husband got paid. I was driving myself crazy, feeling miserable, not smiling or laughing as much anymore to the point where my son would act silly and say, "I just wanted you to smile. Smile, Mom...". And I knew what it was...it was my guilt over this debt. Everytime my husband would say something like, "Well, they pay me enough, so...." about his work, I'd cringe because yes, they probably DO pay him enough, but it would be so much 'more' if we weren't paying back debt. My health has taken a toll....my weight has gone up 80 pounds in two years, and I'm now at 300lbs, 5'4", and two days ago, I had to go on blood pressure medications. And I know what it's from....just plain guilt. I had gotten so bad that if I knew the credit card bill would arrive on a weekend (since I know it usually arrives around the 23-25th of the month), I'd go to the post office and say we were going out of town that weekend and ask to have my mail held and redelivered on the following Monday so I could be sure that "I" would be the one to get the mail since he'd be at work.
Well, yesterday, that all came crashing down around me, and while I'm relieved to have it off my shoulders now, I'm feeling like such a terrible person. My husband was playing with his laptop that his company had purchased for him (each guy at work gets one to do their jobs), and he said there's a copy of Quicken on it, and he'd like to "start watching the accounts". I got all flustered and said, "Uh...but why? Why would you want to do that?", and there was no getting out of it. I had to bring him the normal bank statments, which was bad enough with him being able to see that there's lots of debit card transactions and money being transferred to and from accounts, etc. I figured that was it....and I went upstairs to iron some clothes. A few minutes later, he came up and said, "Any other accounts?", and I said, "Uh...no...", and he said, "What about the credit card account?", and tears started welling up in my eyes, and I just couldn't keep the lie going anymore. It was making me sick and turning me into a person I didn't like anymore. I said, "I don't want you to see it". He smiled a little, as if he knew what I was about to tell him, and he said, "Why?", and I said, "Because you're not going to like it". Then I started sobbing and told him everything.....about stopping the mail when the bill was due, about moving money between accounts, about how rotten I felt and how it was eating me up inside, and I just sobbed and sobbed. And to my surprise, he didn't yell. He didn't even raise his voice. He kept his smile and said, "Honey, I don't know what you're crying like this about...it's ok. It's just a mistake, and we'll fix it", but by this point, I was inconsolible, and I said, "But I can't fix it. I'm terrible with money", and he just chuckled and said that he'd watch the accounts with me, and enter everything on Quicken, including the cash we already had in our wallets at that moment, and every time we spent anything, he would record it for us, and then we could see where our money was going, and get our debt paid off. I had built this guilt inside of me up to the point where I was sure he'd just divorce me for running that bill up. I told him, while sobbing, that I felt I was a rotten person, and I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave me, and he laughed and said, "Honey, you might need some help with money, but you're great at everything else you do. I'm just glad you put up with me all these years". And that was it. It was over...all out in the open.
I still feel terrible about not telling him immediately when things got out of hand, and doing this deception month after month. I hate what it's done to me. I hate what it's done to my body and health. I was weepy all day yesterday, and at times, I'm still weepy today over what I did.
My husband went through all our accounts and downloaded everything from the bank, and he reconciled everything as of 10pm last night (working almost 12 hours on this). Now it's all set, except his work Etrade account for stock options we don't have the money to exercise just yet.
I mean, in my heart, I know it's not the end of the world now that he is aware of everything and can see it all in his Quicken account. Tax time is around the corner, and I know that'll pay off quite a bit of our debt right there, and my husband's car is paid off in March, so starting in April, we will have an extra 400 to put towards the card also. So it's not a lost cause....I just feel bad because of what I did. Also, I could see that my husband's and my relationship changed overnight. With all the depression and secrecy I was feeling, and him feeling that something was wrong (probably wondering if it was something he had done), we had become a little distant, but since yesterday, we've been talking about things openly (even the bills), and when he left this morning, he gave me such a tight hug.....something I havent had from him in months. A hug that shows he loves me.
I am looking forward to the support of this group. I sure do need it.
Thanks!
Patty

~leanne
~leanne
deciding to be happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, but that you had decided to look beyond the imp
Wow Patty. Welcome to the group and I'm glad you have all that off your shoulders. Learning to handle money is not that hard to do, it takes knowledge and desire. You have the desire, and it sounds like your husband is going to help you learn how to make the family finances work. I would recommend you go to the library and pick up a few books on family budgeting and investing for your future.
I also think you have some underlying issues with self esteem and instant gratification. You have been using stuff (and maybe also food) to help you feel okay enough to live day to day. This is a very common thing. I used to shop all the time. It was my main activity and I felt better when I did it, and I couldn't stand not to do it. It was all because I was trying really hard to avoid the problems in my life. I seriously recommend you seek some counseling to find out what has led you to do these things, shopping and gaining weight and letting all the stress from those things eat you up inside. I see therapy as one hour each week I can have someone talk to me about me, without judgement, and help me understand myself. I can't tell you how helpful it is.
Paying off the debt is great, but you need to work on the things that let you accumulate it over and over, that makes you spend on things you don't need, keeps you from taking good care of your body... then you can get to the point your life is happy and fulfilling - and that will help you be a much better partner for your husband.
Oh, and congratulations on being married to such a wonderful supportive man! You are very lucky.
Welcome to the board. let me start by telling you you have a wonderful husband (but then you already know that). You have taken the first, most important step by confessing everything to your husband.
Finances are something you need to work on together, just one person handling everything won't do it.
It sounds like you are on the right path and you can come here anytime you have a question, need support or just want to vent.
I have only been posting for a few months, but this is a great group and I have learned so much from them. I am glad you found us and I am glad I found them.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Kellie
P.S. Don't be surprised if your DH becomes obsessed with Quicken. You eventually will too. At first I found it a pain in the behind, but now, I use it everyday and I have forgotten how to reconcile a bank statement with pen and paper--Quicken really does make it easier.
Thanks for the warm welcome!
I had to pay some bills that came in the mail today, and I did really well. I paid each one and then I immediately sent my hubby an email at work listing every check's details (payee, amount, etc) so he could enter them into his Quicken program, and then let him know what outstanding expenses we have for this pay period (car insurance, groceries, fuel, etc, --things we haven't gotten bills for or haven't done) and how much is left over.
I have made a list of fun things for my son and I do to that don't require any money to be spent, and when I showed my son the list he was just as excited as I was, and he was able to come up with other ideas of his own to add to it.
I definitely like Quicken better than what we used to use. We used to use Microsoft Money 1997. We had the 2000 upgrade for it, but it just seemed too confusing for me, so I just kept my old 1997 copy running all this time. But it was a pain to enter in all the items from my check register and then wait for the statements to come and click on each one to reconcile them. When my husband downloaded everything from our bank last night, I was shocked. Sure, I'd seen commercials about online banking, but I never knew it was that neat. In a couple of months, once everything is settled, we're thinking about trying online bill paying.
Looking forward to learning more about dealing with debt from this group.
Patty :-D
OMG I just have to say that your dh is awesome. Wow. You must have a really fabulous relationship. I was on the other side of the equation a couple years ago, with dh having done some financially not-so-great things and hidden them from me, and I wasn't nearly so understanding!! We have come through it, but I am just awed at your husband's maturity and understanding.
Anyway, I'm glad you are on the path to recovery. It's tough! But with a strong relationship, your husband's cooperation, and hard work, you'll get there. And good for you, by the way, for owning up to your mistakes and coming clean. A lot of people wouldn't have been so honest with themselves and their loved ones.
Welcome and blessings,
Heather
Patty,
I think you will able to turn things around for yourself....sounds like your financial health, well being and physical health will benefit. Just accept the help here and from your family, and I know you will be okay! You had a great start even if you don't think it was.
Littlesbigs
Welcome to a long journey! One thing I have learned is before you can get out of debt you need to heal what is going on in your head. Welcome to our little group! I have found it fabulous!
Kiki
Welcome Patty!
I respect
Kassandra
"It is said that life has its peaks and valleys. The challenge is to accept them equally and experience them
Welcome to the group Patty!!
I'm so glad you were able to let your husband know and that the guilt has been lifted.
Becky
CL of 4th, 5th & 6th grade Scoliosis