What age does it end with gifts!! Arg!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
What age does it end with gifts!! Arg!!!
21
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:18am


My dh has 5 siblings ages 19-25. One of them is married with a baby. I think when you get to these ages, it's time to stop exchanging.
But noooo, last year dh made me get them all something. They all get for our kids so he feels obligated to get them something. Only 2 of them gave us a "small" gift last year.

We (DH)gave the youngest $20, a gift cert. for $20 to the married couple, and 2 bottles of wine EACH to the others. Plus the baby. And his mom and dad. I think all of this is riddiculous. It should be limited to just the little kids.
There's no point in even exchanging names because the ones that didn't give us last year don't have jobs or are broke- so dh doesn't want to "force" anyone. And dh doesn't want to look cheap. His mom spends around $500 on each of us. (I'd rather have it in cash, but that's another story- she told me she bought my 30-yr old dh an X-BOX this year---great, just what he needed....)

Anyway--- this year 2 of them are absolutely not getting from us because they each owe us $40 for a combined birthday gift for his mom from all the kids. It has been brought up and they still blow us off about it so dh told me that was their present this year. (I say forever!)

I have no siblings, so at least I don't have to worry about my side. I did take an angel card for a needy child this year and my 7 yo will help pick out some clothes and toys for her- I think it's important to show her the true meaning of giving to those who need it. And she's so excited to do it. I'd rather spend the money on a poor child than those spoiled brat sibs of his. :)

Don't you guys think there's a time to stop the madness? Is anyone else in this predicament? I spend enough on my kids to worry about them (who some have nice jobs by the way!!!) Sigh.... Nicki

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:36am
I'm right there with ya, Nicki! My DH has to go even further though. He buys for 5 secretary's and 3 assistant coaches, 2 newspaper delivery guys and the mail lady. He just said this morning he thinks we should buy something for the neighbors next door!!! I'm about to explode it's getting so ridiculous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:16am

Last year I talked to my mom and sister, and said I though we should start doing gifts just for the kids. I might have felt differently if my sister and I didn't both have kids. Everyone agreed! I only have to buy for my dd, my niece and my nephew.

I could never have said that to my ex's family. But we separated last year so his family is his problem now.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:23am

The first year after DH and I got married, we tried exchanging names with his side (he has 3 siblings and their spouses) but that didn't really work because my DH ended up with his sister's ex and it wasn't really a secret because his sister knew who everyone got. Since then, we just let it drop. It is now by unspoken agreement we get only for the kids. I buy for the younger of his nephews (almost 2) and the younger of his neices (5 months). The other niece and nephew get a card and $20 each.

I only have one brother and up until this year we have exchanged gifts. Last year, my SIL decided she didn't want to do it anymore between the brothers and sisters (she has one sister) so I said fine. Her kids are 10 and 11, so I do the same as for DH's older niece and nephew, a card with $20 each.

Well, SIL has taken the no gifts a little too far this year. In a year's time it has gone from no gifts between brothers and sisters to no gifts for adults period. None for or from my mother or father, none for or from my aunt and uncle, etc. It has really hurt my mother because she spends months looking for the right present, etc. and has already gotten them their gifts for this year. She enjoys the shopping and wrapping and everything about Christmas.

My mother has only her sister left (both parents and an older brother have passed) and they still exchange presents, but I think that is different. They are both older and have gone back to gift giving within the last 10 years, and they are more finacially stable than someone in their 20s or 30s.

I have bought for my mother and her husband, for my father and will contribute to a gift certificate for my MIL and will get a gift card for my aunt and uncle, but that is it as far as adults are concerned. The only reason I get for my aunt and uncle is that they get for me and DH every year and really enjoy the season as much as my parents. I also contributed to Toys for Tots and I did an Angel from the Angel Tree. I figure if I can spend $5 on two cups of coffee for me and DH then we can help a needy family have a better Christmas.

It gets to a point though that some people think they "deserve" holiday gifts. That's not it. It should be given from the heart not out of obligation. I don't tip extra to postal employees, I don't tip extra to hairdressers, or to the bag boy at the grocery store. I give enough throughout the year. What is it about the holidays that I should give extra?

JMHO.

Kellie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:38am

It is very frustrating, I agree. My extended family tends to be like that. This year, I am only spoiling my immediate family and grandparents. I am getting nothing for my co-workers this year, either. We had a bad situation at our office where we were collecting items for a needy family and were told either new items with tags OR gently used/clean. It got really ugly b/c the used items were turned down even though they were in good condition and brand name items. I brought in a nice sweater coat that had never been worn, but the tag had been removed, and a big deal was made over finding a tag to put on it. The women collecting for the family said they preferred only new or cash (which was NOT what the instructions said). I refuse to give anyone cash b/c who knows what will happen to your money when it doesn't go directly to the family. Any needy family will take whatever is given to them with thankfulness. I got a lot of hand-me-downs growing up and I was not too good to take them or wear them. There's a lot more ugliness to the story that I won't go into, but it sure makes me realize where some people's hearts are, and it's very sad. It seems that people tend to lose their perspective and the real meaning of Christmas.

Here's hoping we can spread genuine Christmas cheer despite the grinches around us.
cheers,
slojuly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:13pm

I wanted to comment on the issue of buying for needy children. This is a form of charity that dh and I do not engage in, because of my first-hand experience with it when my parents were foster parents. Our foster children got so many presents at Christmas it was ridiculous. They came from churches, charities, individuals, everywhere. It was overwhelming, and the children couldn't even take most of it with them when they went to new homes (my parents were emergency foster care, so the children rarely stayed with us more than a few months). They weren't that enthusiastic about it either, and it wasn't what they needed. They needed stability, love, traditions, roots. No amount of money can buy those things for them. If there were a shortage of Christmas gifts for "needy" children, I'd probably do it, but the truth is that there is a glut on that particular charitable "market."

Instead, we are looking into volunteering at a homeless rescue mission, and we contribute used clothes and such to a women's shelter. Since the charity at dh's office this year was a gifts for children sort, we had to abstain. It turned out, however, that they received all the gifts that all the children requested (no surprise) before the drive was over, and began asking for things for their school/homework room--calculators, books, notepads, etc. So dh went to WalMart and stocked up on scientific calculators to give them.

Anyway, I don't want to sound like a scrooge, but our society *so* overemphasizes the role of buying things, getting big expensive *new* gifts. My kids couldn't care less whether things are new, and I don't think most kids do unless they've been trained to do so. Mine wouldn't even notice except to be annoyed at having to wait to have the packaging removed. What my ds wants more than anything for Christmas is for me to *make* him a spiderman mask using a little hat-knitting loom I bought recently.

I just get so worked up over how consumer-driven is the Christmas season, and I just hate to see people throwing money away on it. I'm sorry that you had the experience of their not accepting your used items. What a shame that we are nurturing an environment in which even the poor are "above" accepting used items. Bleah. It just makes me see red.

My children wear used clothes, (*I* wear used clothes) play with used toys, sleep on used mattresses and sheets, eat food cooked in used pans on a used stove, and gladly accept used gifts at Christmas from our small group of friends among whom the agreement is that our children give each other toys from their own trove that they no longer want. But I guess since we're not "needy" we don't "need" new things.

Okay, I'd better quit ranting now. I am just really grateful that my family is reasonable about the gift-giving.

Blessings to all,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:41pm


I agree with you. I have one brother, who is married with two small children. We exchange gifts, but we always buy small items...nothing expensive, and we also try to make gifts when we come up with neat ideas. But my husband's family is a different story. He's from a very large family (he's the 9th of 10), so we decided to do a hatpick each year. That sounded great to me. The limit was set at $10 for each gift, and the kids had their own hatpick at $10 each. So instead of buying for each person, we would only buy $30 in gifts (one from hubby, one from me, one from our son)...still not cheap, but a big savings. BUT..now it's turned into a "What did get you??" contest where my husband's sisters call everyone in the family to find out what everyone gave as hatpick gifts so they can compare them and see who went over the $10 limit, and praises are given to the ones who went over. It's like they're trying to compete for who can outdo the others with their gift giving. It's frustrating. One year, we were given a microwave, and since it was delivered to the house from the store it was ordered from in it's original box, we knew instantly what the gift was. My husband and I turned to each other and said, "There's no WAY that was a $10 gift!" It's just silly.

Then, we gave gifts to all of his co-workers this year, including his boss, and we received an email saying there's a collection being taken for his boss this year, so now we have to pay more more money for a gift to a person who has already been gifted by us.

I wish the holidays were more simple like they were when we were children. Doesn't it seem like the hustle and bustle and worry over money and pleasing people has taken away some of the joy of what the holidays are really about?

Patty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 3:58pm

I agree with you on the consumerism and materialistic focus of Christmas. I don't think it was necessarily the family who was seeking NEW items. The mother had only asked for a warm winter coat, which I provided that was new but the tag had been taken off and never worn. The problem was the attitude of those collecting as if used items were unacceptable and a disgrace to share, that it would make the company look bad if we didn't donate new items. I'm with you - I don't have a problem with swapping used clothes. But, I'm determined not to let those other ppl ruin my CHristmas cheer.

slojuly

Avatar for cl_beckymk
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:24pm

Family dynamics - They are always interesting aren't they.


On my side of the family, our immediate family stopped giving adults gifts several years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 7:58am

I don't think that's cheesy at all. But you could dress it up--maybe draw up a little coupon for free girl scout cookies, redeemable for previous orders, then make a little card with a cut-out for holding the coupon (like you can buy at the store, but why spend a couple bucks when you can make one out of construction paper to the same effect?) and present it along with the gift. You could even find a cheap little stuffed toy at a dollar store or yard sale, and have the stuffed animal hold the coupon, and drop it into a gift bag.

I think that's a great thing to do. It seems like we're doing something similar this year, but I don't remember off hand who for or what the situation was.

Blessings,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 1:04pm
Well in Dh's family we buy him and his mom and his dad gets a box of chocolates. My mIL also buys the gift for Dh's brother.
We buy for my 3 sisters (we only spend maybe $10) and our DS. His has a large extended family we exchange names and buy a nice gift ($30 value) for one cousin. Dh and I took our nams out and put our son Peter's name in.
With my DH and I what we try to do is spend as little as possible, usually only $10 a gift, but we look and hunt and search the far corners of the Earth for the perfect gift. We ant them to know that we did put a lot of thought into the gifts!
KIki
Running Woman

Pages