What age does it end with gifts!! Arg!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
What age does it end with gifts!! Arg!!!
21
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:18am


My dh has 5 siblings ages 19-25. One of them is married with a baby. I think when you get to these ages, it's time to stop exchanging.
But noooo, last year dh made me get them all something. They all get for our kids so he feels obligated to get them something. Only 2 of them gave us a "small" gift last year.

We (DH)gave the youngest $20, a gift cert. for $20 to the married couple, and 2 bottles of wine EACH to the others. Plus the baby. And his mom and dad. I think all of this is riddiculous. It should be limited to just the little kids.
There's no point in even exchanging names because the ones that didn't give us last year don't have jobs or are broke- so dh doesn't want to "force" anyone. And dh doesn't want to look cheap. His mom spends around $500 on each of us. (I'd rather have it in cash, but that's another story- she told me she bought my 30-yr old dh an X-BOX this year---great, just what he needed....)

Anyway--- this year 2 of them are absolutely not getting from us because they each owe us $40 for a combined birthday gift for his mom from all the kids. It has been brought up and they still blow us off about it so dh told me that was their present this year. (I say forever!)

I have no siblings, so at least I don't have to worry about my side. I did take an angel card for a needy child this year and my 7 yo will help pick out some clothes and toys for her- I think it's important to show her the true meaning of giving to those who need it. And she's so excited to do it. I'd rather spend the money on a poor child than those spoiled brat sibs of his. :)

Don't you guys think there's a time to stop the madness? Is anyone else in this predicament? I spend enough on my kids to worry about them (who some have nice jobs by the way!!!) Sigh.... Nicki

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 5:09pm
Hi, Sorry to just jump in here but I saw the title and thought I might get some ideas.
I have one sister and my husband has 2 brothers and 3 sisters. Only one parent is still alive. We have 2 grown daughters and a grandson and a granddaughter.
I buy a small gift for my sister and we buy one for my husband's mom. We have 30 neices and nephews(some are great-neices and nephews) and 5 godchildren.
We buy for the godchildren up to age 18 than we stop. After that they are on their own.
We did exchange names with my husbands family but we have quit this year because there are too many.
Now we only have our 2 girls, 1 son-in-law, and our grandchildren. This makes it so much better and easier. There is just too much stress around the holidays to be thinking of everyone.
We have our own internet business and we have gift certificates to give to business associates so they can pick out their own gift from a small booklet with 40 items. We have thousands of other items some just for Christmas. We buy from ourselves and get paid for it. This is the best part.
Maybe you can just give the small children up to a certain age or have everyone put their name in a box and draw names. It has to stop somewhere.
Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-1999
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:08pm
I am a professional. I dress like a professional and I really like high end clothes because they look and wear better. I buy them.... in thrift shops. It amazes me that people would choose more expensive, lower quality clothes that are new than to wear really nice used clothes. The "used" clothes look better, fit better, last longer and hold their shape better than the new stuff. I learned many years ago that the people in the second hand/ thrift stores were usually the people who had the most money. In our family we don't throw anything away! If one person is tired of something or no longer needs it, the word goes out to see if anyone is interested. If not, it goes on sale. What doesn't sell is donated. This is not just a money thing... the more you recycle EVERYTHING the less resources are wasted. The sad thing is that in our culture there is a need to buy new or feel somehow inferior. What message does that send to out kids!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 9:50pm

I agree with you, carla_gal. It really sounds like she doesn't like her in-laws and that more than anything is affecting her gift-giving spirit. I would suggest to her that she have her husband do the shopping then, if it's that important to HIM, and she can wash her hands of it.

For my family and my husband's, we all agreed to only buy for the kids and our immediate families. Then we do a drawing with the rest of the adults (18 and over) that WANT to participate. That still ends up being 20 something people to buy for, but I've gotten used to it. I also start shopping in August so I can enjoy the holiday season without going crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 10:43pm
There is no obligation to buy Christmas gifts for ANYONE, ever. Not adults, not kids, not needy kids - nobody. No obligation. Least of all, spoiled brats! People need to be more understanding. Simply mail them a Christmas card, that's all. Its the spirit of Christmas that counts, not the Barbie Dream House or the Kate Spade bag, or the Pokemon cards. Who really "needs" these things anyway? THESE ARE WANTS, NOT NEEDS. Take some canned food to the local shelter - food is a need.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 12:23am

Carla gal--maybe you didn't mean it this way, but it sure sounds like you're blasting Nicki. I agree it sounds like she doesn't like her husband's siblings all that much, but this board is about supporting each other, not bringing each other down. The tone of your message doesn't seem very supportive to me.

And, actually--$20 and a couple bottles of wine *would* break my budget if I had to do it for five siblings. That's $100--two thirds of my entire Christmas budget this year. My brother and I buy for each others' children, but never for each other. Maybe if we were closer we would, but it sounds like Nicki's husband isn't that close to his siblings and like it's just done for show.

Anyway, I got the impression Nicki just wanted to vent, which is one of the things I love about this board (the ability to do so, that is). I hope I just misread your tone, and that you really didn't mean to be ugly to Nicki. I just felt I should say something to clear the air.

Heather

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 9:54am

Sorry everyone - I had not been closely following this thread.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 3:29pm
Hey there~
I have not read anyone elses reponses, so you may have already been given this idea. My family, immediate and extended, get together and draw one name on Thanksgiving. The name you draw is who you buy your Christmas present for. Sometimes you get a sibling, sometimes a cousin. Those who are in the financial position to buy presents for everyone may do so, while those who are not do not feel like that HAVE to. This has worked well for us for the past 15 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 10:45pm

Hello and where do I begin? First, I must say THANK YOU. I gave up on X-Mas awhile ago, especially for adults. Anyone who know me now and back then, knows this. Anywho, I will make this short and get back to you later.

P.S. - I'm in total agreement, that X-Mas is not what it used to be.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 2:58pm

First of all, thank you Heather for sticking up for me. I don't even know what the other post said-it must have been deleted. But from what you said it must not have been very nice at all.

Secondly, of course I was just venting- we all need to do that sometimes~ and this is the only place I can do that. (So I thought)
My DH and I do love our family-- I am just bitter that the 2 of them never paid us back the $80 for mom's gift! Eventhough I said we weren't getting them anything for Christmas as "payback"~ we did get them something little this year. Eventhough they prob. won't get us anything. DH says it's Christmas....
Those 2 are in their late 20's (single) with good jobs and are always going to his mom and dad for money.(And spending it at the bars!) One of them also promises my 7 year old she will come and take her somewhere special just the 2 of them and never shows up- while my little girl waits for her aunt with her coat on..... that breaks my heart.. and that is why I called them (2 of them) spoiled brats. That doesn't mean I hate them. They just need to grow up. Sorry if I offended anyone....

I guess I'm just not used to having any siblings to buy for. I manage to do it every year, but just hate spending money... I don't hate them, and it's always worth it on Christmas day to give the gifts. My kids love to give gifts "almost" more than getting them.
Merry Christmas to all! Nicki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 4:24pm

No problem, Nicki. It wasn't a particularly supportive post, is all, and I like to see things stay friendly around here. I'm glad to see it was deleted, though I guess it can be frustrating, because you probably are dying of curiousity--I would be anyway, lol. But you can pretty much tell what it was about based on my response. Anyway, I understand about the frustration regarding relatives. I am pretty lucky all in all, but I have, for instance, watched friends accept money from other friends and then blow it out their you-know-whats, and it never fails to really anger me. The same friends have also asked us for money, and I'll be darned if I'm going to contribute to that!

I also know how you can love someone and still think they are spoiled brats. I used to feel that way about my brother-in-law, who has fortunately grown up A LOT in the past couple years.

Oooo... and it just burns me about your daughter and her aunt. My neighbor has custody (and is going to be adopting) of her two nieces. Their birth mother (until her rights were terminated recently) would say she was coming over on Sunday, and then not show up. The girls would just be devastated. I've seen the same thing happen with our divorced friend and the childrens' mother not showing up for planned visitation. It just really burns me that these people think that's okay! My neighbor took to not telling the girls when their mother was supposed to come, so they wouldn't get disappointed. Of course, you don't have that option if the aunt is telling your daughter directly. :(

Anyway, thanks for bringing your vent here. It's always good to hear other peoples's struggles, to put our own in perspective and remind us that others are in a similar position.

Blessings and happy holidays,

Heather