Secret Santa dilemma.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Secret Santa dilemma.....
11
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:06pm

I have a pretty small group of VERY close friends, and rather than spend money on each of them, I came up with an idea of doing a Secret Santa. That way our little circle could still exchange gifts, and only have to spend money on one person. I thought it was rather clever.

Well, one of our friends has an "internet" boyfriend, who will be coming to visit her for the first time over the holidays. None of us has met him, or even so much as spoken to him. But she wants to include him in the Secret Santa. I can see her point of not wanting him left out... but none of us know him! I figured we could simply exchange the gifts before he arrives.

I don't know if I'm being selfish, but I came up with this idea for my friends. If I end up drawing his name, I'm not going to be too thrilled about spending money on some very impersonal gift for someone I don't know. Likewise, I can't imagine HIM being impressed with buying something impersonal for one of us.

Thoughts, opinions?


















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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:14pm

I agree with you. I assume everyone on the list knows each other. So tell her the requirement to be involved is that everyone must know that person. It's not that you don't want to include him, but someone will have to buy for him and it will be no fun that that person. Plus how weird for him to have to get one of you a gift! She can certainly get him a gift herself! Tell her that you are sure he'll buy her a gift, he shouldn't also have to buy for one of her friends he's never met.

I think this is just her wanting him to be included. Ther are other ways to include him, and frankly I doubt he really wants to be included in this. If he does, then he might be gay and she should rethink a relationship with him (nothing against gay men here, JMHO).




Edited 12/13/2004 3:16 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:31pm

Yes, everyone knows each other. There are 5 of us total - two couples and one single - she's the single one wanting to include her internet boyfriend (don't get me wrong - I know a few very happy couples who have met online - that's not why I have a problem. It's just that none of us knows him).

I'm already trying to include him - myself and our other girlfriend have already told her numerous times that we want to meet him, plus she wants approval from our guys too (she's had some very bad luck with men in the past). I've also invited both of them as a couple to come to my home on New Year's Day for dinner.

I just hope there is a tactful way to explain to her that I don't want to buy this stranger a gift, and I would feel strange accepting something from him vice versa. Next year (if they make it that far) I won't have a problem!


















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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:32pm

I can see your dilemma. Anyway, most guys could care less about getting a gift, especially when he's the token male. I'd probably want to do the gift exchange before he comes so he won't know any differently.
I"m tired of this holiday season and the obligatory-feeling giving that comes with it. You shouldn't ever "have to" give a gift.
Why can't she just give him the gifts that she chooses for him? I'd ask her.
Remind her that guys think differently and that he might not want to feel obligated to participate, either.

JMHO,
slojuly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:40pm
Oh, I thought it was all girls and she wanted to include him. I see now why she wants to, she's the only non-couple. Maybe you could have the guys trade names and the girls trade names. I can't imagine the guys really care that much, and maybe it would be a good idea to ask the guys who are included in the list what they think. Or you could do a couples secret santa, one couple buys for another couple (and in that you could include a guy gift and a girl gift). That way you'd get to buy what you want for the friend you select, and if you get her, you can get him some guy gift that would work for any guy.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 4:18pm
Oh yeah, I tho't it was all girls, too. He still may not want to feel like he has to get something for folks he doesn't know....but you have some good suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 4:23pm

I agree, it would be awkard to try and buy a gift for someone you don't know. The only time we did the name thing for DH's family, he ended up getting his sister's exh's name. After that we didn't exchange presents among the adult children.

However, I can also understand your friend wanting her BF included. I know the first year DH and I dated, he was in the military and far from his loved ones on Christmas. So, he came to my house. We had exchanged Christmas gifts at his house and were just going to my house for the dinner festivities. Well, my family kinda realized I was serious about this guy because all of them had done gift bags for him. It was nothing major (wild rice and homemade jelly from my Mom who does that for ALL of her friends, crackers and gourmet cheese from my aunt and uncle, and someone else gave him some gourmet chocalates--just everything a bachelor could want) but DB then DH now loved it. It made him feel special.

Maybe you could do the same thing only on a smaller scale for her BF. Maybe someone pitch in a bottle of wine, someone else the crackers and someone the cheese. That way he can treat your friend like she's special and she knows you a least care enough about her to want him to see she's special to you guys.

Good luck,
Kellie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 4:55pm

*sigh*

I'm sort of re-thinking the whole thing now. I just thought it would be a nice idea, but now it's getting complicated. My other girlfriend doesn't want us to draw our own spouses (which makes sense since we'll be getting them their own gifts anyway). Her husband is indifferent to the idea, and my DBF isin't all that cracked up about the idea at all, but said he'd do it anyway. Plus we'd all have to arrage a time to meet in order to draw the names, and throwing a stranger into the mix will just complicate THAT even more because the single friend will have to draw two names....

I just love giving gifts... but I hate it when the recipient then feels obligated to buy me something too. I thought a SS among a tight-knit group of friends would be a good way to get around it because everyone only has to buy one gift. Maybe I'll just call the whole thing off. It was just a dumb little idea.


















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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 9:14pm
I have a friend that does secret santa for all the kids at her annual party, she draws all the names herself. You don't have to get everyone together to do it, if you don't want to do it yourself you could have a neighbor or something do it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 7:47pm

What if you did a White Elaphant Gift exchange? If I remember correctly everyone brings a unisex, kinda offbeat "gift", everyone takes turns picking from the pile or they can "steal" a present some else has already chosen? I may be a bit off on the procedural aspects of the game but I'm sure someone can correct me. There can be a monetary limit ($15-20?) and it is just an excuse for getting together. Also I think it takes some of the pressure off. Just an idea, hope it helps.

Katarina

Avatar for mymartes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 3:08pm

Katarina,
I know exactly what you are talking about. When i worked, we exchanged gifts that way. It was so much fun.

The process is......you give a monetary limit (amount to spend on gift) No names from who it's from. On the day of the exchange, everyone picks a number. Number one picks a gift from the pile (and opens it), number two can take the gift from number one(which is already opened) or take a gift from the pile. If number two takes the gift from number one, then number one takes another gift from the pile.

Hope it's not confusing.

MYM

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