New here/spouse question

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
New here/spouse question
3
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 3:56pm

Hi, I am Kelly, a married mother of a 3 and 6 year old in TN. My husband works full time as well as part-time 3-4 nights per week. I stay home raising the kids. We are not able to meet our monthly obligations, not because we don't have the moneyh to cover them (barely, but on paper we should) but because of our spending and priorities. I have typically been in "charge" of finances. The only time my husband gets involved is when we don't have money :-) I really want to make changes in our finances, getting out of debt and getting our financial future healthy. I know with support and good tips, this can be done. My husband is not really interested in participating in getting our finances in better shape. How do you handle this? I suggested we sit down together on payday, pay the bills due and dole out what is left for personal needs. He likes (as I have many times before) to pay personal stuff first and bills later. He somehow thinks magically all the bills will get paid, no matter what he/we spend. Yikes!! ANy ideas on how to approach this?

I look forward to getting to know you all.
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:06pm

Great job making the decision to get things under control! I'm so proud of you for recognizing your role in the money problems and being willing to work on it.

I think it is the norm rather than the exception that one spouse comes to this realization before the other, and it can be very frustrating for both. I don't have specific advice, only the reassurance that if you start taking the right steps, and try to be patient, most likely he will come around by baby steps to the sensible things you are doing.

I am a sahm also (actually, newly a wahm, as you can see from recent posts of mine), and we worked hard to get in a position where I could do that. For a long time when we were getting back on our feet, I worked nights at a bar so dh could be home with the kids while I was gone. I went without sleep, lived with the smell of cig smoke in my hair, endured the taunts and groping of drunken slobs, nursed aching feet, and tried not to be an absolute bear to my family. It all paid off, and we are so happily financially sound now.

Still in debt, but working on it. In a house we love, and I don't *have* to work any more if I don't want to. And most ASSUREDLY not working in a bar any more, thank the goodness in this universe. Hopefully won't have to do that ever again.

You can do it too, and you will. You start making the baby steps, and don't try too hard to drag dh's sorry carcass along :). Lead by example, and he will come around sooner or later. In the meantime, perhaps you can worm into your budget a small spending account for dh (and yourself, if you can manage it, to avoid creating resentment--but of course you'll be socking yours away in a savings account for a rainy day while he fritters his away on silly stuff) to keep him occupied while you get the rest of your finances in order. Just make clear to him that that is *it*--he will not be given any additional money to spend until the next allowance is due.

Glad to have you join us, and I hope you'll stick around. This is a TERRIFIC group.

Gotta go take my beautiful little boys to the pond now. Take care and blessings,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:14pm

I think if he's working two jobs he might not have the time or energy to worry about the finances! I wouldn't.

What you need is a plan. Get together what you've spent and figure out what you should be spending so that you can get all your bills paid. Tell him you just need his buy in on the big things, like how much will be spent on each spending category (show him what you've been spending and what you should be planning to spend), how much will be saved, etc. Tell him that you will be responsible for the daily tracking of things and making sure the bills will be paid but there are conditions. First, he needs to agree that bills must be paid ontime, that is non-negotiable. Your credit rating is important for your financial health. Second, he needs to give his buy-in to the spending plan and agree to live by it. If he wants to plan to spend more in a certain category he has to figure out which category will be reduced to make up the difference. If he overspends in any given month, he is responsible for making up the difference somewhere and you will do the same. Tell him if he can't agree to the conditions then you are out and nobody will be paying the bills, so you'll just wait and see how long that roof stays over your head or the lights stay on when you aren't doing your share either. You are not an island and you can't do this without his support.

If you get his buy-in, then you take take responsibility for managing the finances, paying bills, educating yourself on how to make your budget work and how to get your head above water and stay there. I think it's common for one person to be more involved in the finances, although he should give you some time away from the kids to pay the bills and analyze past spending. However, it just doesn't work if one person doesn't agree that living within your means and saving for your future and your children's future are important goals.

If you have a lot of debt, add up what you paid in interest in the past year and show it to him. That can be a big motivating factor - imagining where you could be if you could have saved that money in a 401k or 529 plan (plus the tax deduction) and how far ahead you might be if you didn't have that cc payment each month!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 5:44pm

Hello, and welcome from another Kelly!

I agree with what someone already said about how one spouse usually comprehends the reality of the situation before the other does. Most spouses are not perfectly in sync on spending issues, that's why money is one of the biggest reasons why couples argue!

What I've done is track all our spending for months at a time and figured out what we were spending on what. This is tricky, because you have to separate out things you spent on the house because you have to (door handles, oil burner, refrigerator repair) and what you spent because you wanted to (new bathmats, a mattress set, grill, upscale washing machine). Same with food - what you spent at the grocery store, vs what you spent at the convenience store because you didn't put together a proper grocery list before you went to the supermarket, vs what you spent on fast food and other eating out. My guess is that you do most of the spending but you might have a hard time prying this info out of your husband. I'm fortunate that my husband was very cooperative about reporting what he spends (I'm a WOHM, he's a SAHD), since he's the one who spends all our money, LOL.

I think when you put it down on paper - we bring home $4000 a month after taxes & deductions and we're spending $5000 - it will be pretty obvious that you need to make changes. If it's not, you might want to consider just paying the bills anyway and then giving him what he's allowed to spend. Some people really don't mind that. Personally I wish someone would take care of my finances and give me an allowance, but since DH cares not one whit about managing money, I have to do it myself, alas!

Kelly