Help - DH doesn't know about debt

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Help - DH doesn't know about debt
6
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 1:48pm

My DH started a new job last spring and with that, came expenses that he puts on his card and he gets fully reimbursed at the end of the month. Things have been pretty tight for us lately so the money that we've been getting, I haven't been able to pay off all of the expenses. So, needless to say, he had a balance of over $3000.00 on his card. I pay all of the bills so he didn't know what the deal was there.

I cashed in $2600.00 of my mutual funds to pay his bill and they put the money in the wrong account so if he goes to the bank and prints off a statement (which he sometimes does) he's going to see it.

Background - my mom took out a second mortgage on the house without my dad knowing. My DH knows all of this.

What do I do? Do I tell him about the problems or do I hope that he doesn't print off a statement. Anyone else been in this situation before? Please help. I really don't want him to find out - I'm worried he'd divorce me.

Thanks and sorry this is so long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 3:42pm
Hi, I have been lurking here for quite some time. I read your post and can relate. I have been hiding our debt from my husband for years. I am terrified of telling him. I have 30,000 in credit card debt. It is from going over budget every month, mainly because he puts so much in savings for college (3 kids) and IRA. I blame him for this but afraid to tell him. I am stay at home mom and he thinks I should have a career, so that is why I haven't told him about going over budget every month. I am living the same life as my mother, who also hid debt and overspent. What do we do? I know how you are feeling and I wish there was a magic potion to take it all away. Let me know how you are doing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 4:07pm

Thanks for your reply - I was beginning to think there was no one around. While I don't have $30,000 in debt I really feel like there's no end in sight for us. DH has been asking to take over the bills and I don't want him too, obviously. When I get the statements, I don't even open them and just pay as much as I can (I've actually been hiding them). He knows about our line of credit ($6500.00 on that one and we have a $5000.00 vehicle to sell).

I'm thinking about telling him tonight. I am so living my mothers life too but I don't overspend and neither did she. Her motto is "worry about it when the bill comes in.

Boy we have lots in common!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 4:29pm

I don't have much advice, but I know there have been a couple similar posts in the recent past. You might want to check out the advice in these threads. I am sure there will be others along with some advice, some posts take longer to get answers to. My guess is that it's best to come clean to your dh.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-mlsupport&msg=12497.1&ctx=128

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-mlsupport&msg=12218.1&ctx=128

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-mlsupport&msg=12294.1

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 4:55pm

It's incredibly hard, but I know that I felt better when I was upfront and honest about our money situation with my husband. I didn't want to admit the problem, and I was worried he'd be angry, alarmed, preturbed...whatever. It was such a relief to be able to share it with him, though, and we can see it through together. For better or for worse, right...?

If your husband is a supportive, loving man, he will understand and help you. If he isn't...well, I don't have much advice in that case. Only you know your husband well enough to have an idea how he will react. All I know is that it was like a thousand pound weight had been taken off my back when I told him.

Hope you make the right decision for you and your family -

Kris

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 5:19pm

It is so hard, but you have to tell him. I finally told my husband last year. Before I did it I did my research. I got information on consumer credit counseling, found out our options with cc, student loans, house note, etc. It was really hard for him to take because he is a little obsessive compulsive but we are slowly working it out. Actually last night when I was reading these posts on this board he asked what I was looking at. I told him and he said it was nice to know other people are in the same boat!


He still asked me over and over every month about each bill- did you pay it? how much? on time? etc. It used to bother me, but that is his way of helping.


Good luck!

Audrey
farming siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:28pm


Wow, this seems like you're describing my debt story here. I also had a high balance on our credit card, and my DH didn't know a thing about it. He thought we had paid it down, and each time he'd ask, "How's the credit card looking?", I'd say, "Good" and leave it at that, hoping he wouldn't ask me anything about it. Well....in early December, he decided to try out his new Quicken program that he found on his laptop his company had bought for him. And he asked for our bank statements. I thought, "Oh No!!!". I mean, we've never been late on a payment, and our credit score is high, but I have always had to shuffle money from account to account to make sure that no bills were late and things like that. Well, he entered all the banking info in ,and then he asked if we had any other accounts. I said, "Nope", and then he said, "What about the credit card?". I couldn't stand it anymore. I mean, there we were...standing alone in the living room with him asking me point blank for the credit card statement....the one that showed a $10K balance that he didn't know about!! The pressure was awful, and I felt horrible about keeping it a secret for sooo long, so I just told him everything, burst into tears, thinking he would surely divorce me for what I'd done. To my surprise, he smiled, gave me a hug, and told me that he didn't see why I was so upset about it, and that we'd just do the bills together from now on. I was absolutely floored by his reaction, and VERY thankful. I mean, I used to even go to the post office and stop our mail on any weekend where the credit card might arrive (since it usually comes around the 23rd-25th of each month) because I didn't want my husband to get the mail and see the bill....so I'd have mail resumed the following Monday and I'd be sure to get the bill from the box first and hide it. Since then, we have done the bills together, made our shopping lists together, and budgeted together. Just three weeks after 'breaking the news', we had managed to put away enough money to pay off our car, and now our target bill is our 2nd mortgage since it's got a higher interest rate than the credit card.

I know it's scary to tell your hubby about this, but honestly, it does feel better once it's all out in the open. Sure, for about three weeks, I felt horrible about myself, and for about the first two weeks, I would start to cry for no reason at all, just feeling so bad about what I'd done. But now that we have a plan for getting out of this debt we're in, our marriage is stronger. We're a team now, and it's a good feeling.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do!

Pat