Purposeful sabotage?!!!
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| Sun, 01-16-2005 - 2:54pm |
Is my husband purposely trying to sabotage my efforts to get us out of debt? It has taken me awhile to get to where I have his agreement to be paying things off. He'd rather I didn't because "in another few years it won't be on our credit reports anyway." I however, feel we have the moral and biblical obligation to pay our debts in full no matter how long it takes.
He says he doesn't care what I do with the money as long as we have enough food, he has his mountain dews and cigarettes and we have what we need if something comes up ie: kids need new shoes, I'm able to go get them without recycling the soda cans, you know? I just have to plan that ok, Sarah's shoes are getting small so next payday I need to set aside $20 to go get shoes. And it's not a big deal.
We don't have any savings right now. I haven't been able to put any away. I just cancelled the long distance phone, to save us another $100 a month. I'll use a prepaid phone card. I have stopped drinking sodas to help save money, switched to generic diapers.
But still, while I've gotten better at stretching the paycheck out so that we aren't broke two days after payday, we are still living paycheck to paycheck.
He is a gamer. He's been content with free games until recently. He found a new game, and last month spent $100 on it in one payday, money that had been set aside for groceries..money he didn't even tell me he was spending on his game. I had to use what little savings we had for groceries. If he'd wanted that much I could have saved it and not paid a bill, but no, no mention of it so I paid bills.
Well, here he's done it again. Last payday it was $85 on his game. I had a fit. We made it through but using nearly every bit of food in the house. The kitty went without food for a day because she won't eat the dry food we have and I didn't have the money to go buy her any more of the wet stuff. In fact, I had to recycle cans for a little bit of money for milk.
We went around on it. I said that I had agreed to the monthly fee, and no extras. Told him I wanted him to take my character off the monthly fee back down to the free game. I'd joined the game as a bonding thing, but I can't get into it. Between the kids, housework and schoolwork I don't have TIME to sit and play a game I barely like.
I said that we really need to be cutting back and watching what we do. I said it's not that I don't want him to enjoy his game but simply that I need to know before he goes buying stuff because I budget to the damn penny to get us through. He agreed, said that's ok as long as he can keep it on the monthly $30 fee. That's all he really needs, he said.
So what did he do? There's another $30 charge. The monthly fee was taken out on the first of the month. Which means I can't send out the four year old dental bill I wanted to pay. The bill is $36.20. I can only send $6.20. I called them and told them I was sending the payment in full. They were nice about it, but now I have to write a note saying I couldn't send it and this was all I could do. It makes me look bad to be saying I'm going to pay it, then I can't. And it makes me feel dishonest.
Is he intentionally trying to sabotage my efforts to get us out of debt or am I being a witch?

I don't know if you husband is trying to intentionally sabotage your efforts, but there are definitly some issues that need to be addressed. The two of you are not on the same page when it comes to debt reduction and it can only escalate if it is not properly taken care of. Does he help with the bills? Has he seen your debt reduction plan? Is he involved? It may come down to your husband being put on a prepaid credit card and that's it. When his money is gone, then it's gone. It may seem harsh to treat him like a little kid with an allowance, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Good luck and best wishes.
Windy
Does he work or are you carrying the family on your own? He needs to grow up and take some responsibility for this situation. This is no way for a grown man with children to act. This has to be a partnership or it will never work. Do yourself a favor and sit down with your husband and tell him the ways things are and that you are tired of his irresponsible behavior. The two of you obviously have different attitudes and values when it comes to money. Have the two of you talked about how money was handled when the two of you were growing up? This might give you some insight into his behavior with money. It wouldn't hurt for you to have a seperate accounts if he refuses to take part in this with you. I would recommend seperate bank accounts and seperate credit cards if he refuses to change this behavior. A lot of couples do this, and it is good for the women especially since it gives them more peace of mind. It's not very romantic to have seperate accounts, but neither is a pre nup and a lot of couples do that too and have fewer fights about money.
What game are you talking about? Are you saying that he gambles? If so, I would address this issue with him also. If these issues are not addressed and things continue this way, you will grow more and more resentful and this will affect your relationship. Lots of couples split up because of money. You both need to find a compromise that you BOTH are happy with rather than you just giving in and letting him have his way to avoid a fight; or skipping paying a bill so he can do whatever he wants. You have to live your values or you will lose yourself, your financial freedom, your respect for him, and possibly more. Do yourself a favor, watch Suze Orman on MSNBC on saturday nights. She gives excellent common sense financial advice for couples, and especially women. She awesome! Give these things a try. Take care and keep us posted!
Unless there is a pattern in your relationship with him where he deliberately sabotages things that you're working on, I'm going to suggest that he's not deliberately sabotaging your plans.
All my best,
Danni
I agree with Danni. It doesn't sound like he is deliberately trying to sabotage your efforts. It sounds to me like he doesn't truly understand what you are trying to do. If you live with cc's month to month, it can be a hard habit to break.
You need to sit down with him and go over the bills, explain to him where you are trying to go and why. It may be that then he has a "lightbulb" moment and will stop his behavior.
It may also be that he feels he has no control over any of the finances. Let him take some responsibility and you may see a changed man. Men are funny. They sometimes resent women being in total control of the finances and, without realizing it, act out in ways you described so they feel as if they have some control.
It isn't just men either. I was like that until my DH let me start paying bills. Then I knew where we were finacially. I started watching Suze Orman and reading Dave Ramsey. I have had a total attitude shift. DH isn't quite into debt reduction as I am, but he is coming along.
Good luck.
Kellie
I understand!!!! I'd try not to deprive him completely or he could lash out. But maybe explain it calmly and show him there's no money for that and emphasize that neccessities come first~ like kid's shoes, food, bills, etc.....
I'm not sure which games you are speaking of, but my dh's mom just bought him an X-Box for Christmas. He had been wanting one (yes, a 29 yr old man) for so long and I kept saying no because those games are so much!!! So you can imagine my excitement when he got that thing. And then we had to go buy stuff for it!! An extra controller, hookup wires...$40 worth... he used his Christmas money for that though.
Next he started with the games. He started bugging me at Walmart for this one he liked, after I said yes~ he picked out two and asked me to get both in front of the clerk!!! I don't care if I did look like a meanie- I said "Just one please, how about you go rent the other first and see if you even like it?!!!" He agreed. So I just told him in the car that they are too much and he'll just have to rent most of them from now on.
But he found a better way. He buys them off of ebay for about $7 each with shipping!! Some are brand new! I said that was fine as long as it wasn't all the time and he check with me to make sure there's money in the checking first. It has really worked out since they are around $6 to rent anyway. I don't know if your dh would go for that, but it's an idea.
I wish you the best with this one! Nicki