OT - I need help
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| Fri, 01-21-2005 - 4:46pm |
I'm sorry, I know this is completely off topic, but I need other people's ideas.
Background: I'm 25, Fi is 28
We are planning to get married this summer. I don't want a wedding, but Fi wants something small, so we decided to rent helicopters and fly to the top of a local mountain and get married up there. The we would have dinner at my second favourite restaurant (Fi's 3rd or 4th favourite) for our families, and go on a little weekend away. This would cost about $6000.
Fi's mom hates this. I'm already not getting along that well with his mom, as she:
a.) cries whenever he doesn't do what she wants, causing him to go along with her at the expense of his time and thus schoolwork (she lives an hour's drive away!)
b.) takes over everything I try to do (especially trying to learn to cook)
c.) calls him her "big boy" to other people
d.) tells everyone everything that he or I say or do - we can't do anything without about 80 people knowing about it
e.) when we went to buy the car, she told him he "wasn't allowed to, as SHE (me) will drive it all the time" (because our previous car, I drove most of the time, but, hello, my dad bought me that car! And we chose our apartment to be biking distance from Fi's work and school),
But she always means well, so...
anyways, she refuses to go in a helicopter. She said that we would just have to get married without her, and started sniffling. She also doesn't want to do the restaurant thing.
She didn't like any of my other suggestions, except the one where we would go on a cruise with them for a week. (I am not spending my honeymoon period with my in-laws!)
She wants a church wedding and a golf club reception. She has pictures of flower arrangements, ideas about officiants, wants to go dress shopping with me (or for me if I don't want to go), is upset that I don't want his sister as a bridesmaid (she doesn't even want to be a bridesmaid, and I have 2 sisters and 3 best friends), wants to invite all her friends, and in general is really stressing us out.
I'm getting sick of it all. (Literally). I can't just say that I'm doing it on my own, because FI wants to be involved, which means she'll call him every day and pester him for details, then complain about our choices until his dad calls him and asks him to change it.
I've thought about it and I can't just ignore her, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She really loves her son, and wants him to be happy, she just doesn't realize that he's grown up.
I can't do a church wedding. I can't. Just the idea of a whole bunch of people looking at me freaks me out. I want something small and private. So does Fi. But if we have a church, we have to invite our families, and that's 125 people.
Does anyone have a solution? Am I doomed?

I really think that you and your future husband need to see eye-to-eye when it comes to your families. If he lets his mother manipulate him, you are only setting yourself up for future problems. For your mental well-being, you should probably sit down with your future DH and explain exactly how you feel. If the air is clear, then there can be no misunderstandings.
As for your wedding, whose day is it? I understand that including the groom's parents should be a priority, but unless they are paying for it, YOU are the one who gets to decide what is happening and when. You also cannot be manipulated by her and give her the upper hand from the start.
I also did not start out on the right foot with my in-laws, but refused to be a push over to them. We do not have a great relationship, but I live 1800 miles away and do not need to see them often. No amount of weeping or threats deterred my husband from making the both of us happy and we were able to see through the pathetic act.
It's really in your best interest to clear this up before you are married because your happiness is your first priority.
Best wishes,
Windy
I really have to agree with Windy.
Take it from someone who's realtives are STILL not talking to her because she didn't invite their children, weddings, babies, and funerals bring out the best and worst in people.
Unless future MIL is contributing to the wedding she has NO SAY in what's done. You can include her to be cordial but she's not footing the bill.
From your post it sounds as though your DF let's his mother manipulate him, you say she means well, but someone who means well does not say something like you are not allowed to buy that car. He's an adult.
If you don't present a UNITED front to her, your parents, the world this will continue to happen. If you think this is a problem now, and side step the bigger issue this will be the type of mother in law who will want to be between your legs during childbirth (sorry to be so graphic) but honestly this is just one in many many things to come in your married life. Vacations, holidays, children, and the list goes on.
I seriously think that before this goes any further your DF should speak to his mother and let her know that although he loves her and always will, you are now the number one woman in his life from now on. And the priorities for you as a COUPLE come first. This means that you are going on the helicopter and getting married on that mountain top gosh darn it! And if mother can not make it it will break both your hearts but you'll respect her decision. If your DF is not willing to talk to his mother about her behavior I forsee you having many disagreements in the future where whe is involved. You will either suffer with her mis-treatment, or explode at her, or explode at DF. You really don't want that.
This is the perfect time for DF to cut the apron strings but keep the love for the cook. :)
Good luck to you and your DF and for what it's worth your idea sounds WONDERFUL, simple, and more importantly it's something that you BOTH want.
In a marriage the only person you should be compromising like that to is your DF. DO NOT COMPROMISE!
And congrats on the engagement.
:)
Girl I so feel for you!!! I have one of the most manipulative and crazy MILs on the planet. It can be absolute freakin' hell. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So this is coming from someone who knows. And keep in mind I haven't always made the best decisions or done what I could've to make things a bit easier.
You know, when DH and I were planning our wedding (planned it in three days, very small, very private) my MIL screamed and cried to DH on the phone saying she wouldn't come if we did it our way. She basically made DH choose between me and her. He choose me and guess what? She was there at the wedding. I knew she would be. She just wanted to control it and it killed her that she couldn't. But in the end she came and I'm glad. Not 'cause I really wanted her there but it made DH very happy.
First I agree you need to sit with your DH and make sure he knows how you're feeling but don't bash your future MIL. It might put him on the defensive and make him feel really torn and in the middle. I've done that to my husband so many times and it doesn't help at all. Just try to be matter of fact and lay it all out.
Second, don't be a pushover. It doesn't sound like you are at all and that's good. It's one of those give an inch, take a mile things.
Third, what about giving your MIL something to be in charge of? Like maybe let her go all out on some sort of bridal shower? Or just find some aspect of it that you would be willing to give up control of so she could do it. It might make her back off the rest of your plans. And yes, you'd still have to do something her way but you'd be the one who gave her the choices. Maybe she's just feel completely shut out...I dunno.
In the end YES it is a day for you and your future DH. It should be something really special and wonderful for you. But giving in on a couple of small points could help smooth the waters without you having to give up the most important parts of the day for you.
No matter how it works out or what happens on the wedding day remember to focus on the marriage, not the wedding. A wedding is one day, a marriage is forever. Long after the day you're married you'll have your DH and he'll have you and you'll be building a life together. That is what matters.
From one wife of a mama's boy to another, good luck!!!!
**hugs**
Lisa
Wow - I'm so sorry to hear this.
All my best,
Danni
Thank you everyone for your responses. Fi and I have talked and talked about his mother... my problem is, he understands this is a problem, and she does this to his dad, his sister, and his cousins, and they all let her get away with it because it is easier. One time Fi showed up to her place to go out for dinner with them, and she didn't like what he was wearing. She refused to go unless he changed. He refused to change. In the end, his dad and sister both got mad at him and told him to change. That's happened to Fi's sister's boyfriend, too, and man, was Fi's sister mad. But she made her bf change.
If I had been there, she would never have done that, because she knows that I would just say no. Unfortunately, this means that every time Fi stands up to her, it's "my fault". And I have no idea how to get his entire family to stop letting her get away with this.
But hearing your responses has made me realize this is not going to get better after the wedding, which I had been kind of hoping (as in, I'll be his wife then, won't she have to listen to what I want?), so I have 5 1/2 months to think of a solution. Hmmm... how much do houses cost in Alaska?
I can respond to this from experience. When my Dh and I became engaged, I was only 19, and DH was 21, and we had never been on our own, and didn't know how to stand up to our parents. So when we announced our engagement, we told our parents we just wanted to go to the local Courthouse and get married. Keep it simple. My MIL said that was unacceptable. She said it had to be in a church. She also said that it was wrong for me to want a tiara and a veil that just went down the back of my head...that "proper" brides wore veils over their faces. She also said that my bridesmaids couldn't wear red (despite the fact that we were having a Christmas wedding), and that "proper" bridesmaids always wore pastel pinks and blues (these are the colors she had for her OWN wedding, btw). Then when I said I wanted just a simple dress, she said it "had" to be a nice wedding gown.
We gave in on some things. We said we would have a church wedding, but the bridesmaids would still wear red. I insisted on my tiara headdress, and I didn't back down from that. As far as the wedding gown, during a family dinner with my future in-laws, they passed me an envelope containing $2000 and told me to buy a wedding gown with it. When my own parents heard about this, they went completely nuts and screamed, "If you are going to have a wedding gown, then WE are going to buy it!", and then that resulted in angered phonecalls between my parents and his.
There were additional squabbles about guest lists. We wanted just parents, grandparents, and brothers and sisters (of course their spouses and children as well), a total guest list of about 48 people. MIL said she was going to invite her whole family anyway without telling me about it...just as a "surprise" because that's what she wanted to do. I told her I would walk out of the church if she pulled something like that. Luckily, she didn't, but that doesn't mean she didn't complain about it.
In the end, we had a church wedding, with my own choice of dress and veil. Only the 48 guests we wanted, and a simple buffet reception in my parent's basement (food cooked by myself and my Mom, no dancing, no music....just food and talk, and that's it). Photos were taken by my parents and family friends and we created our own photo albums.
But...did that stop my MIL from trying to "run the show"?? Nope! For the past 12 years of my marriage, she has tried to control everything. How bad did it get before I stopped talking to her altogether last July? She came for overnight visits (from out-of-state) without any notice at all and expected me to wait on her hand/foot during her whole visit. She would'nt come to the table for meals I prepared. She would scream, "Just bring it to me in front of the TV. I'm busy!". When our 2nd son was born, we asked for no visitors for a month (our older son had passed away at birth just one year earlier, and we wanted to spend a month coping with the joint happiness/grief in being able to bring home our 2nd son when we hadn't been able to bring home our first). My parents understood, but MIL didn't. She called us the day I got out of the hospital and told us FIL was dying of colon cancer and didn't want anyone to know....so she "had" to come get pictures of our new son for him. Well, we believed her, she came, got her pictures (despite the fact that our son wasn't eating and my legs were so swollen I could'nt bend them), and then we found out that she lied to get her way. FIL was in perfect health. To add insult to injury, she wrote a letter to MY mother saying, "I knew they didn't want company so soon, but I came anyway because I'm the boss of them and I can do anything I want". Following this, she would call and yell at me for stupid things.....demanding that I call Dh's Aunt who I had never met and "cheer her up", and do other things for other family members, and when I refused, she'd call and scream at the top of her lungs at me. So, last July, I had finally had enough. Perhaps age came into play because I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now. She is currently going nuts because I've stopped the control she had over me (us). She has written to my own mother (and they're not even friends.....trust me), written to my 6 year old son to try and convince HIM to get me to start writing again (he never saw the letter....I opened it when I saw it was from her, thankfully), written to my Dh to get him to convince me to write. She even sent a letter to me asking if we could "be friends" and that she already said she was sorry she had yelled at me.
But the point remains that she always said "sorry" after each thing she did....but continued to try and control and disrespect me. It's an unending cycle....until someone puts an end to it. And now I have.
I'm not saying your future MIL will be as controlling as mine became, and even if she tried, I'm sure you'd be wiser than I was and put an end to it sooner than I did. But I wanted you to know how bad it can become if it isnt' nipped in the bud as soon as possible.
I wish you love and happiness in your marriage. The helicopter idea sounds fantastic! Wish I'd thought of it!
Pat
Thank you for your post...I'm really sorry about your first son...and I can't believe she would lie about her husband's health just to invade your family like that.
But at least I know I'm not the only one. And I know going in what I'm facing. And my FMIL doesn't know my parents' phone number, address, or last name, LOL.
I think you did a pretty good job trying to stand up to her and compromising at the same time. It's too bad she wasn't able to compromise.
I'm thinking about trying to get Fi to get his mom to go to counselling with him. Maybe a professional can help her see that a lot of the things he and his sister are doing is just part of growing up?
You know the funniest part? She has spent entire afternoons complaining about how awful HER MIL was about HER wedding. She just doesn't see it - there's always some reason why it's different now.