Is this horrible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Is this horrible?
6
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 11:45am

I have posted on here a couple of times, and you guys are all so helpful. I have been feeling kind of bad about something and wanted some feedback.

I am 27 and a single mom of 2 beautiful kiddos. I don't mind being single at all, and actually sometimes prefer it. The three of us have our little routines and we are very comfortable with our family the way it is. (They spend 3 days/week with dad and stepmom, and have a wonderful relationship with both of them as well)

I was in debt for a LONG time ~ credit card, school loans, car payments, etc. while working and raising two kids. Well, long story short, my debt is gone, except for my school loans. (about $30,000) We live paycheck to paycheck as I don't make very much, but my bills are paid each month. (sometimes a week late, but they're paid!)

Well, I do date here and there. Nothing serious, as I don't want to jump into anything just to "be with somebody", you know?

Well, I am seeing somebody right now who I really care about. I'm not sure we're the best match longterm, but I do care about him. I just found out that he has a LOT of debt. A LOT. I know how it feels to be in the hole like that and I never want to be there again. So I started thinking about what I want from a relationship if it does become longterm, marriage, etc. and is it wrong that I don't want to marry someone or live with someone with a lot of debt? I know that sounds horrible, and I am not being judgemental, as I was there too, but that's the reason! I don't ever want to be responsible for someone else's debt now that mine is finally gone! (except my college loans) I know that if you really love someone you are with them through thick and thin, etc. but if I know they have problems with debt right off the bat before things get serious, is it horrible to not pursue a relationship with them?

I am feeling really bad about this, but at the same time, I have a responsibility to my kids and to myself to live (and spend) responsibly. sigh..

thanks for any input..

~Kiya

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: kiya3s
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 12:32pm
I don't think its bad at all. This is just something that you feel strongly about; and one of your values is to be out of debt. You have to live your values. If you were a recovering alcoholic, would you marry someone who drank alot? Its the same thing here. I feel the same way. I am not dating anyone now, but if I was I wouldn't want him to have alot of debt or be irresponsible with money. In fact, when I meet someone and someday get married to him, I want a prenup. My ex was irresponsible with money, had crappy credit, and I basically carried him like I was stupid. Well, I refuse to be stupid anymore. There are certain things we should be able to expect from out mates, and financial responsibility is one of them. I am not saying this guy is a bad person because he has a lot of debt or is even irresponsible with money, but if you have doubts, then you shouldn't got through with marriage. You have to trust yourself before you trust anyone else, and know where your boundaries are. Hope this helps. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
In reply to: kiya3s
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 5:46pm

No it is not horrible. One of the biggest reasons marriages break up is over money issues. Don't believe me, it is a statistic quoted by Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman and David Bach. These guys make their livings as finacial adivsors so they must know something.

If you don't have the same money philosophy as your SO, it will lead to more problems in the long run. You value being debt free and if the other person doesn't, you just won't make it.

You could try to change him, but it won't work. When I fell in love with my DH I knew nothing about money. I have learned over the years, and I have drug him kicking and screaming into the idea of being debt free. However, we started out the same. I changed and he had to change himself. He would still charge things, even if I didn't want him to. It was after I mentioned that we could save and invest over $2500 a month without our debt that the light bulb moment finally happened.

Good luck and you need to talk to your SO and see if you can get him to agree to get out of debt. If he won't then you have to decide if you want to stay with him, knowing what your finacial future will be.

Kellie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: kiya3s
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 9:30pm

I think you are dead on right. Your first priority must be your children, and that ugly debt could directly impact them in a very negative way. Your second priority should be you, and that ugly debt would directly impact you in a very negative way. Someone already mentioned the well-documented fact that financial complaints are the number one reason for divorce in this country.

You are very right to be cautious, and very right to be concerned about the debt. I would suggest not committing to this relationship until he can show a concerted, and long-term, commitment to getting that debt under control. And then, yes, a pre-nup is still an excellent idea to ensure if the relationship goes awry, you don't wind up stuck with his debts.

If he has expressed a desire to get the debt under control, then by all means be compassionate and helpful, but don't think that means you have to rush into the relationship.

I know it doesn't seem romantic, but that doesn't make it wrong. Go with your very sound instinct here, and be very, very cautious.

Blessings,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
In reply to: kiya3s
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 9:56am

Thank you all so much for your responses... I feel SO much better! On one hand, I was feeling guilty that I am being kind of reserved with the person I am dating, but on the other hand, thinking of accruing multiple thousands of debt just by *being* with someone sent me into a panic.

I think I am just going to keep our dating light and fun. We have been friends since we were teenagers and we have a lot of fun together, but I don't think it's something that would last longterm, like I said for many reasons.

So thank you all again! I appreciate it!

~Kiya

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: kiya3s
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 12:30pm
Kiya,
I understand how you feel. i completely married into debt, and dh rubbed off more on me in the first year than I rubbed off on him. But I think you have to be sure you are looking at the big picture....why is he in debt? Is it because he is careless with money? Is it because of some circumstances that have since changed, and he is working on solving the problem? I guess i would look towards attitude more than the bottomline. Anyhow, unless you are getting married, it really won't make that big of a difference. And if you do plan to marry him (which it doesn't sound like yet), then you can certainly explain to him that you don't feel comfortable getting married until he works on paying down some of his debt. Doesn't sound romantic, but chances are he'll do it for your future life together. My husband was depressed and unemployed right before we were to get married, even though he had graduated a few months prior...he couldn't find a job in his field. I broke down one day and told him he needed to get a job, any job in order for me to feel secure...and he ended up working at the Cracker Barrel washing dishes for a month until he finally came across something better (took that job because it was the fastest one he could get)
If it is an overall difference of attitudes, than I don't think I would bother trying to change him. It would be an uphill battle, and your little ones would suffer for it. So I totally understand where you are coming from there. I think you are very wise for letting your head offer you a bit of guidance (my heart sometimes does all the talking and gets carried away)...and i wish you the best of luck. Heather
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: kiya3s
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 2:36pm
I think it's smart to say you wouldn't be serious with someone that has not dealt with their money issues. Very smart. My ex has a semi-low paying job and over $100,000 in student loan debt, plus he's generally irresponsible with money. My financial situation improved dramatically once I left him, and that is a good thing for my dd. She lives with him every other week but I am there for her financially and I am sure it will be me that makes sure she has a healthy attitude about money and will have some saving to use for college. I will not marry anyone that will make my financial situation worse than it is today. My bf has a huge child support obligation, but no debt, he lives within his means and he makes about the same income as I do. If I met someone with more debt and less income, that would be enough for me to walk away.

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