So Ashamed!

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
So Ashamed!
6
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 10:31pm
For a while I had a bit of control of my money and managed to even save some. Although I was in credit card debt, it was manageable and not the way it used to be. Now it is terrible again. I purchase big ticket items like electronics, furniture and appliances. It's all bought on credit and "do not pay for 12 months." I have a negative balance in my bank account of over $2,000 in overdraft protection. I have accumulated over $20,000 worth of credit card debt. I just bought a house this past year and have every room fully furnished, no stone left unturned. Now I am sick and scared to even look at my balance account for fear that I will see more escalation. I am bipolar and think this has a lot to do with my impulsive behaviour. I buy things to make me feel better. I always think I'll be able to handle it. I never do! I'm just sick over this. Thank God I'm divorced - my husband was an abusive alcoholic and our divorce was final last October. I rarely venture out except to go to work where I make over $60,000. I feel like I've given up on life. I have a lot of emotional problems. I am on meds and have been in therapy off and on (usually on) since I was 25. Now I'm 46, extremely depressed, deep in debt and feel very much alone. When not worrying about my job, I worry about money. I just came off a stress leave of absence from work that last three years (dealing with my marriage, divorce, lost chance of motherhood, etc.). I am scheming and manipulative and everyone who gets to know me ends up hating me. I can't say that I blame them but I am sick with guilt and disgust at my own behaviour. I almost died a year and a half ago when a bladder infection spread to my kidneys, entered my bloodstream and went throughout my whole body. Basically what Christopher Reeves had also. I was in a coma, on a respirator, feeding tube, the works! I live in Canada so it was all paid for but it just seems I do everything wrong. I knew I should have got antiobiotics for the bladder infection but I didn't bother - I didn't care. I have screwed up my life so badly, I fear I will never ever win. I need a lot of support. Hopefully, I won't be manipulative or demanding with you guys. I just hate myself right now.

Travi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: travinski
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 11:29am
You are in a bad place at the moment, but it's not permanent. Sit down and look at what money you have coming in and what money you have going out. What are you spending money on right now? Do you have a cell phone and a home phone? If so, cancel one of them. Do you have cable tv? If so, cancel it. Find a cheaper internet connection. See if you can find cheaper car insurance or raise your deductibles. Basically, cut your spending drastically - think of it as punshiment for previous overspending (better than just sitting on your nice new furniture beating yourself up). Then any penny you save (even if you find a way to spend $30 less at the grocery store this week - will go towards bringing your checking balance up to zero. After that you can put any spending reduction to the credit cards. There are people on this board that have a lot more than $22,000 in debt. You can turn this around, you just have to want it bad enough.

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Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
In reply to: travinski
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 11:48am
I really DO want to get out of this mess. Nobody can feel good about themselves getting into such ridiculous debt. I think I just used spending to sedate and comfort myself as there is little else in life that gives me much pleasure or joy. I was on this board about five years ago and it helped so I'm here again and hopefully I will do all the things that need to be done to get back on track.

Travi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: travinski
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 12:09pm
I used to shop to feel better too. I still do it sometimes, but a lot less frequently than I used to and when I do, I spend a lot less money. I agree this board helps. What I try to do is VALUE and get joy from seeing that I stayed within my budget for 2 weeks instead of valuing and getting joy from having new things. It's hard sometimes, but the more I do it, the easier it seems to be.

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Avatar for cl_beckymk
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: travinski
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 5:29pm

Welcome back to the board.


You have already gotten some good advice.

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: travinski
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 5:42pm

Welcome to the board.

All my best,
Danni

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
In reply to: travinski
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 7:35pm
There is $500.00 worth of things that I am going to return. When I reduced my debt a while ago, I felt so much better about myself. I felt responsible and was thrilled that I could even save money. I think that my loneliness is getting the best of me again. I am a real recluse - I never go out to the stores - I only buy online. I go to work and go out with my mother once a week for tea but that's it. Still, I manage to spend a fortune and living with just myself is like living with my worst enemy.

Travi