ARGHGHGHGHGHH
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| Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:37am |
So I gathered my pile of lies...my latest credit card statement, my card, the 401K paperwork, everything - I also got my credit report, my credit score (753) and my card to give to him... Wouldn't you know it, his office throws him an anniversary party for 13 years in business...and he doesn't get home until after midnight (yes he called and told me). I did wake and tell him that I had some more things to discuss and not that I was trying to avoid it, but at this late hour it is best to wait until tomorrow. He agreed.
Then he writes me this beautiful email this morning and says "It's over...it's behind us...I understand why you did what you did...start healing...stop destroying yourself and lets move on...I trust you not 99% but 100% and signed it your best friend, husband and partner". I feel even more disgusting.
OK...so the sick part of me says DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT THE OTHER DEBT...IT WILL BE WORSE...YOU'VE LASTED THIS LONG WITH THE LIE, JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND PAY IT OFF AND BE DONE....
Then I hear the voice that says...YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CRAZY IF YOU KEEP UP THIS LIE ONE MORE DAY. So, now I have to reopen the wound and pour $7k worth of salt on it!! I just want to get it out...why why why can't i just get it out!!???
Just needed to vent...
B.

I know it's hard to keep to convince yourself to stop the lie once it's been started. Oh boy, do I know! :-) As much as it was hurting me to keep the lie going, and as much as I had wanted to tell my husband for such a long time, I kept the lie going.
But honestly, as much as it hurts to tell the truth and lay it all out on the table and all that....in time, you will see that life is MUCH better once everything is in the open. All the worry and stress and hiding and lying that you've been doing up to this point will stop. So all of that pain will be instantly gone from your life. The guilt might take a little longer. For me, the worst part was the week right after my husband found out. My husband was like yours....he instantly forgave me and vowed to stay with me no matter what. In fact, I remember him chuckling and saying, "I don't see why you're so upset about this. It's not that big a deal. I'm just glad you put up with me all these years". But the guilt was just something I had to learn to cope with.
After the first week, it gradually got better. I loved that there were no secrets in my life anymore. I loved knowing that I never had to sneak off to the post office and stop the mail if the credit card bill was due to arrive on a weekend (it usually came between the 23rd and 25th of each month) when my husband might get the mail before me. With this plan, I was able to resume mail service the following Monday and get to the credit card bill (and hide it) before my husband could see it. But no more. When I'm in a store now and want to make an impulse buy....I just remember that my husband has access to our account online, and he can see every purchase that I make. So those cute little shoes or new purse that I might love just doesnt' look that attractive anymore.
Plus, watching our debt level go down in just the short amount of time since my lies stopped has encouraged me to really save and look for ways to cut back in our family's spending. Now I'm no longer guilty...but proud. Just last night I bragged to my husband on the phone (he's away on business) about how I'd just made another extra payment to our 2nd mortgage, which brings our balance down from the 18K we started with at the beginning of the year down to 13K, and he was both happy and completely floored. LOL!
When your husband is finally able to sit down and talk to you about the debt, please be completely 100% honest with him. Show him every bit of debt, every account, and even be honest with him about what you're feeling. Tell him that you're saddened by what you've done, and you're very sorry, and above all, thank him for being such a wonderful husband and agreeing to stick by you through this. You've got yourself a special guy, and you're one special lady for having the strength to admit you've made a mistake and to work at fixing it.
I wish you lots of luck and good thoughts!
Pat
Where oh where is the "holding your hand" icon?? Okay, here is a virtual hand-hold for you. You are strong and brave. You can do this. And he will be so proud of you. Your husbands (I'm including going2dobetter's in this) put me to shame with their loving understanding (I screamed and threw things when I learned of my husband's lies, lol).
And even I would have been proud rather than angry if he had come to me soon after I found out and came clean with the rest. Heck, I'd be proud even now if he'd just once admit that he was stopping the mail after I ordered the credit reports (okay, there is a teeny tiny possibility that he really wasn't and that it's just a coincidence that all three of *my* reports came promptly in the mail and *none* of his did, though they were each ordered individually from the different agencies... but I'd feel better even now, a year and a half later, if he'd just once say, "I'm sorry, but I really was stopping the mail, and it was really crummy of me, and I hope you'll forgive me" but enough about *my* marriage, lol).
Anyway, I know it is hard, but you have come this far, and you can make it the last two steps to the goal line. Just push on through. I have faith in you.
Blessings,
Heather
B.
Don't hide it anymore. Tell him everything. It sounds like you have a very loving and understanding husband.
My husband not only cheated while I was pregnant with our twins and during the time our DD was recovering from a liver transplant, he also accrued $40K in credit card debt during the affair. I found out about the affair because I called the number that appeared frequently on his cellphone bill. Not only did it kill the trust I had in him, it also killed my love for him.
I know you didn't accrued that debt due to an affair. Don't be afraid to come clean. Don't let him find out about it on his own.
MYM